Not Remotely Excited...

Is it weird to say that I'm not even the least bit excited to go back home tomorrow? I'm not really in the mood to see my family right now, I rather avoid them. It's kind of sad, but that's how I feel. Also, despite seeing all the Christmas decorations up, it just doesn't feel like the holidays to me. I used to love this time of the year, but the magic of everything seems to have disappeared. I don't feel at all excited right now...

Just got off the phone with my mom, nothing happened, but that's just it now, nothing. We keep the talking to a minimum, I'm not excited to talk to her and would rather not have anything to do with them at the moment. The things they say really screw with my head and I don't need to be any more messed up than I already am. *sigh*

A Serious Case of Infatuation

I know it's all in my head... but I'm really enjoying the moment for what it is. Nothing materialized or will ever materialize, but I am quite smitten with my weekend. I think I'm in love...

At least for now.

An Epic Evening

I had one of the greatest party experiences of my entire life yesterday and felt that I should shout it out from the roof tops... in a way. I felt sophisticated, yet trampy at the same time, it was an amazing experience.

My brilliant weekend really started with happy hour after work on Friday when we went to a local bar and my friend and I got pretty darn happy with the drinks. We played pool, met some nice people, and then had to call a mutual friend to come get us 'cause we were way too smashed to go anywhere. My girl friend and I did a lot of bonding that night over the drinks and pool and it's been great.

She invited me to a formal winter ball/party thing at one of her friend's houses and I spent yesterday looking for a formal dress. I ended up shopping at Banana Republic and found this great silk dress originally for $175 and managed to discount the price to slightly above $100. I was down 2 sizes from usual so that made me happy too. I looked absolutely stunning in the dress by the way ^_^ I felt quite pretty last night. I wore my good jewelry, I wore D&G's light blue perfume, peep toe shoes, and my new Coach purse from Vegas. I was quite the looker -- and yes I am bragging XD.

Before we set off to the first party, we had a glass of wine at my friend's place and then I drank four more or so, maybe five at the formal party before we left to go to someone else's birthday party at a bar/restaurant that has a dance floor. I bought a round of drinks for my friends and then I told my friends that I was going to go dancing so I left them for the dance floor. I was just doing my thing and danced with several guys -- five apparently, one of my friends counted lol. It was so much fun. I haven't had this much fun for a while. I felt like a tramp, but it felt so good lol. After a while, my friends made me down cranberry juice 'cause they were out of water and then had to drag me out of the place when it was getting close to closing time lol. I was too smashed that night to drive so I ended up staying over at a friend's house and didn't go home till late today lol.

Due to some details that would give too much away, I have to keep the story to a bare minimum, but it was truly the most epic night I've ever had XD.

Arguments With My Mother

If I had the money, I'd take everything with me and hide out for a year. I've been constantly fighting with my mother in the last month, and feeling a whole lot of resentment towards both my parents for the type of person I turned into and the path that I must take in life. I feel resentment, because they say I should follow my heart and do what I want, but then turn around and tell me they're disappointed with what I've done to my life. And my bosses tell me I have a victim mentality, so that pisses me off more. I don't like being perceived as someone who always thinks "Poor Me." Even though that's all it seems like lately. Even I hate myself.

I don't feel like I can say anything or talk freely about anything to anyone these days 'cause everyone has an opinion about what I should be doing. I just need space from everything and everyone. I need to get away from everything that reminds me how much I suck.

I'm so tired these days. I don't even want to pick up the phone to talk to anyone. I'm angry everyday. I made my mother cry again tonight and I didn't even feel anything. I was just so angry. I told her that she was a liar when she said that she didn't care what I did anymore. I repeated it over and over again, because I was so angry. Maybe someday I will regret it, but currently, I can't be sympathetic. I can't say anything nice or think of anything nice. I'm ignoring people and not wanting to go out. I'm just angry all the time now. I'm exhausted and I need some sleep.

Unpleasant Memory

I remembered something unpleasant today, but it gave me pause and allowed me to think a little more clearly.

Two years ago, my friend flew back up from the bay area and wanted to go shopping. She neglected to tell me that she didn't have a car, so after we made plans to go the mall, she said "Oh yeah, can you come pick me up? I don't have a car." It took over 20 minutes to drive to her place during Christmas shopping season with all the lovely traffic, and then another fifteen minutes to get to the mall. We did some shopping, but I had to get to work that day, so then we had to rush back to her place where I dropped her off, drove at least another 25 minutes to get to my house, before driving another 20 minutes to get to work that day and then had to work really late. I was really exhausted and depleted, but I did it because she's my friend.

Then last year when she offered to take me to the airport for one of my trips, she was conveniently unavailable when I needed her to take me so I had to rely on my relatives. And then she offered again for my birthday this year, and I didn't accept at first, but then asked her if she could do it today and she gave me the answer, "Probably" which translates to "No."

So, I think I may need to book a shuttle or something, because this suddenly put my head in perspective and made re-realized that I can't count on anyone really. I'm on my own. At least I remembered in the nick of time.

I Also Want to Move

I'd like to get a job in the city and then live there. I need a change of environment. My roommate and I are on good terms, but I'd like something different.

Job Hunting

I'm discouraged one day and then fired up the next. I have exactly two months to get out of my current job, or else I'm stuck until next April 15th. The only problem is that some jobs require three years of experience and I barely have two in my current occupation. I've only had three months of actual administrative work that can be labeled as admin, and that part really discourages me. In addition to that, hearing my mom's "I really do hope you don't give up on accounting" doesn't help. She doesn't care if I don't continue with public accounting, but she still hopes I continue with what I learned. It certainly makes my life a lot harder to figure out when I keep listening to their feedback. I grew up with people telling me how to live my life and for the most part I always saw their suggestions as correct and now for me to actually question it and try to live my life is so hard. It's pathetic, but true. I can't really come up with a decisive idea of what I really want and I change my mind everyday. It's been really annoying. I hate my current job, but I'm not sure of what I actually want either. I have five days till the drop dead and then I need to really get out of my job before December, which means I have to at least land an interview this month, get a position in November and turn in my two weeks notice. I'm so stressed right now.

I really want to stay here, but a part of me is telling me it would be more practical to go back home where the cost of living is really small and one can just survive on $35k a year. Here... $35k is like living paycheck to paycheck. I'm just so lost and I have a feeling that I will stay in this state for a while.

Opera Tickets

My friend just bought me tickets to see the opera next month as a birthday present to me *__* I'm kind of melting right now. I've always wanted someone to treat me to the opera for my birthday. Now I've got one wish fulfilled~

Always Eat Enough

I went to the gym today and worked out like I normally do, but one thing was off.... I didn't eat enough today so when I went to burn the usual amount of calories, I felt really sick after I was done. The acid in my stomach kept traveling up and down, it was not pretty. I immediately took some tums when I went home, which really helped and then sat there eating edamame that I made earlier today lol. I feel a whole lot better. But yeah, just as a note to all, always eat enough before you go to the gym, and make sure you give the food some time to settle too =_= I so hope this doesn't happen again. I need to eat more.

My Brain is a Mess

Life is so complicated, life is much more complicated when "love" is a factor that's quite distracting. When you can't stop thinking about a person and what happened between the two of you no matter how minor, it's annoying. I don't think I've been more annoyed with myself and with what's going on inside my head. I want to talk about it, but I don't want to talk about it. I remember how annoying it is to talk about the guy you may or may not like with your friends and then you become a broken record, which is annoying as hell, but he is the only thing (besides work) that I can think about. The last time I was this annoying... was in college and thankfully that didn't last too long, so the only other time before this was when I was sixteen. Oh god, make it stop! Make the constant rewinding stop! And what timing ... Did he have to text now =_=

You know life is already complicated enough, why do guys make it so much more complex than it should be? And why am I resisting this? Either fall or walk out, why can't I decide? I'm so scared. I don't want to love him. I'll only hurt him in the end. I need to get out, run while I can. Why am I so afraid to be in a mutual relationship? I fear it so much. Living a one-sided unrequited love lifestyle was so much easier. And I could dream about someone else. I feel chained already =_= I can't be committed 'cause I love my freedom so much. That's right, the freedom of being single is awesome. I should stay single. Have I turned into Iris? As soon as I figure out the guy likes me, I lose interest? No, it's not loss of interest, it's fear of being loved back... I can accept it when my friends love me... but when a guy actually loves me, it's scary it. I'm so scared right now. I want to run away, climb in a hole and just hide for a while. Maybe I shouldn't see him for a while. Maybe I should move back home with my parents after all. Then I can't see him for real like this anymore, I'll be able to just live life the way it was. It'll be easy.

Someone stop replaying these strange and bizarre thoughts in my head already!!! Ugh! Maybe I should do yoga. I need to clear my mind.

Children

I don't know why, but recently whenever I see kids, I feel like I want one. Even though I know all the implications that come with having a child, I can't help but really want one as of late. Like that feeling of being needed by someone smaller and more fragile than you, who loves you (and later hates you of course lol), but I really want a kid. Not sure why though.

I'm sure in a couple days, this spell cast over me will be lifted and I'm going to go back being my usual child-hating self lol. Kids are obnoxious and noisy. They cost a lot of money, suck up a lot of your time and energy, needs a ton of attention and if you don't raise them right, they can end up totally ruining society. They're a lot of responsibility and even though you love each other, there will come a time when you'll want to keep them under control at all times even though they want to break free and mature as quickly as they can, and thus the normal dissonance suffered between parent & child, and years upon years of struggle, disappointment, and angry feelings. If you try to push all your expectations on them, it may lift or crush them. If you don't have any expectations of them, they might stray off towards the wrong path. You might want them to do the things they love, but in the end, you may end up being just as controlling as your parents were and try to get them to pursue conservative yet secure careers and not attempt anything else that seems even the slightest bit risky. You may totally suppress any talent they could have had by telling them that they're not good enough to try it. They may be maligned with sicknesses all throughout their lives and it will take an emotional and physical strain on both of you trying to keep each other alive and not regretting anything about why things came to be the way they came to be. Kids may be ungrateful, or extremely grateful but too awkward to express it. You may miss what they're trying to say, because you're trying so hard to support the family. Everything gets really exhausting.

In any case, wanting to have children is kind of a self-sabotaging, yet possibly self-fulfilling chapter in one's life. Perhaps, I'm just lonely right now and so I really want someone to really need me. If I can't find a significant other, then a child would be good. I'm so strange to be thinking of such things right now.

Back at the Bookstore

So I've move on past the last test section and now studying for the next one. I really have no idea whether or not I'll pass, but I have to do whatever I need to do in order to be able to really live without any regrets. And though I don't want to go to work tomorrow, it'll be a start to ending all my problems with this line of work. I'm going to believe that things are going to get better. Rather than just try to believe, I want to actually believe. The workplace may stay the same and my boss may continue throwing the same comments at me, but I want to become someone who can handle all of that. I don't want to let my temper get the better of me, but I don't want to shirk back and let people take advantage of me.

I had this really interesting conversation with my mother last night about how Asians tend to not stand up for other people, don't meddle in other people's businesses, avoids conflict like the plague, humble to a fault, and just deal with things silently rather than speak up about it. In America, we can't be like this. What may have worked over on the east side, can't work over on the west side. My life has been really hard my entire life 'cause I've been taught to be traditional, to not say anything, to just bear with it until my chance came, while I should have been fighting it out with people when I've been wronged, grabbing chances when they come, speak up to sell myself instead of shrinking into nothing. So, I've decided that I need to work hard at changing myself. My lack of confidence may have been spawned from being told that I can't be good enough at a lot of things, and I should stay conservative, and so now we have this product of self-destruction.

So some steps for me to take:

1. Save humility for family and friends, if the boss praises you, say "Thank you, I worked really hard on this and I'm proud of it."
2. Tell my coworker that I don't like it when she raises her voice at me just because I happened to be there and she got mad at someone else's mistake and is now taking it out on me, the next time she takes out her frustration on me.
3. Tell off the bosses' son the next time he throws things at the admin people. It's inappropriate. I don't care if he's the son of the president of the United States, you don't throw things at people, period.
4. Take more breaks, one every 90 minutes.
5. Get rid of weasel words from my vocabulary. No more "I'll try my best," it should be "I'll do my best."
6. Change my posture. Hands on top of the desk, not underneath when at a meeting.
7. Smile even when I feel like killing someone.
8. Speak and articulate better -- no idea when this got so bad.
9. Don't be scared. Life's too short to be living in fear all the time. If he hates you, he hates you. No need to be liked all the time. Dissonance and discord is what life is all about, and the element that makes people stronger. Harmony only weakens you even though it's really nice.

So that's for a start. I might only be able to accomplish one out of the nine, but one is better than none. Going to give it my best. Beat this system of repression and get out of here.

Ugh... One Big Chapter Left

The one chapter that I needed to really dig into today, I haven't gotten around to it until just now and the person before me scribbled "32-38%" on the top of the chapter page =_=;;;; Thanks for the warning, but I feel like hyperventilating. J/k

Think I'm going to go home and hopefully not get sidetracked 'cause I really need to tackle this section in order to do well on the exam. *sigh* I might need to give up the last chapter, but we'll see. Tomorrow is questions and note review day. No book tomorrow, I've decided. I so hate tests. I get cranky and upset. Well, best get to it. My tummy doesn't feel all that great after lunch so I kinda want to go home now, but I'd rather stay here to study. Oh well. The lack of internet at home might serve me some good =_= .... might.

*sigh*

Official Study Day

I really should be studying rather than blogging, but I figure why not just use the internet for now before I can't again. I'm pretty sure there will be internet again later tonight, but even if there isn't, I really shouldn't be distracted so often. I've got my test in two days and not a whole lot of time left to cover three chapters of material. I've actually already skimmed the entire book and am now kind of going back and making notes, but still... I rather be reading notes tomorrow and doing some practice questions than stuffing answers in my brain. On the good side, my photographic memory seems to be working a little better these days. I feel like I've got a couple pages burned into my mind lol. I only know what I know though and tests have a certain way of testing you on things that you didn't study for lol. Well, I'm hoping it'll be different. Please just test me on the things I know lol. I feel that I'm getting things better when I'm relaxed though 'cause I'm just absorbing the info and not resisting/rejecting, nor trying to get it all at once. That's how learning should be, natural not forced. We do things better when we're not forced to do it.

My friend asked me if I wanted to do lunch today and I had to turn her invitation down 'cause I need to be serious about what I'm doing and not wasting time (like I am right now lol). In any case, I'm learning how to be more serious about getting myself better rather than worse. This past year and half, I never quite learned how to make myself a better worker. I had fallen into this trap thinking that what I did well elsewhere would apply to the position I'm in now, but that's really not the case. I had to play by a totally new set of rules, but didn't quite understand it till the books pointed it out to me. Well, first step of getting myself better is to be able to say no more often and separate work from play. Now is not the time to play, now is the time to focus and get some things sorted out and done right in my life. I'll play after the test is done ^_^

Books, Books, and More Books

I feel like I'm possessed. I keep swinging by the business and career section of the bookstore and buying whatever appeals to me off the shelves. Ever since the dismissal, the further pay-cut and such, I've been a mass of mixed emotions. Originally, I took this week off to study. Now, it's a combination of studying, soul-searching, self-reevaluating, lots of reading, and job hunting.

After two days of looking at other jobs, I stopped going over all the hiring ads and decided it would be best to stay with my current job. With my current attitude and mentality at work, I'd only bring it with me to a new place so until I can fix the broken pieces within myself and become stronger, I shouldn't go anywhere else. So then I set on a quest to fix myself and figure out how to be a better employee, but most of all, a more confident and less fearful person.

No one can fix you. Only you can fix yourself. I've always known this, but no idea how to go about it. I guess the best way to educate oneself is to read, read, and read some more. Not go get advice from other people, but to really read books, gain some knowledge, do some thinking. I bought the following books in the last three days:

01. "The 12 BAD Habits That Hold GOOD People Back" by James Waldroop and Timothy Butler
02. "Surviving the Toxic Workplace" by Linnda Durre
03. "Powered by Happy: How to Get and Stay Happy at Work" by Beth Thomas
04. "101 Ways to Stand Out at Work" by Arthur D. Rosenburg
05. "The 250 Job Interview Questions You'll Most Likely Be Asked..." by Peter Veruki
06. "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert
07. "No Time For Tact: 365 Days of the Wit, Words, and Wisdom of Larry Winget" by Larry Winget
08. "Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office" by Lois P. Frankel
09. "10 Make or Break Career Moments" by Casey Hawley
10. "Life's a Bitch and then You Change Careers" by Andrea Kay
11. "10 Career Essentials: Excel at Your Career by Using Your Personality Type" by Donna Dunning
12. "Swiss Ball for Core Strength" by Declan Condron

#6 and #12 are more like for entertainment and physical health, but the rest is on my mental and emotional well-being concerning work and life. First, I need to figure out all the things wrong with me and then go about fixing it, and then decide whether or not my current career path is the right thing for me. A lot of times, our resentment of work goes hand in hand with our own behaviors that affect what we do and how we perform, which in turn leads a flood of criticism followed by further lack of motivation & productivity and eventual firing.

I have to say that book #1 and #7 are the best things I've read for a while. I've just started the #9 and I like that one too. Very informative.

In any case, I'm on the path of career enlightenment and I have a lot of books to prove it lol. I need to stop buying so much though... but these books are really interesting. I wish I grew up with these types of books in the house. They have a wealth of useful information contrary to what I used to think. Can't wait to start some of the other ones.

Decisions & Goals

After a long 2-3 hour phone call with my parents, they told me to quit my job. They're really worried that I might go crazy, but I'm not going to quit because I have some personal goals to achieve. Money is no longer something I'm worrying about, but my self confidence and ability to handle rough situations like these. I have this feeling that if I run away now, I will never be able to overcome my fears and insecurities with working in general. If I can overcome this, I can overcome anything. So, despite the loving and supportive, "Please quit your job and come home, we're really worried about you," I'm going to stay at least for a limited duration of time until I feel ready to leave. It's really nice to hear my parents say that it's ok not to get that license and not to continue with this job, especially if the bosses treat their staff so badly. I just need to figure out how to make myself stronger and be able to withstand something like this so that in the future, even if something like this happens again, I'll be able to handle it. All these tears I've cried, and all this torment I've experienced will make me stronger, at least I hope it will. I've set a calendar date for when I'll walk, so now I'm just counting down the days. I'm going to survive this, and then I'll go home. I can do this, I've already made it this far, I should be able to continue doing this until my time is up. *deep breath* Yeah, I'll survive this.

Something Wrong With the World

There has got to be something wrong with the world when your boss allows their own children to put their feet on tables and not follow office protocol, but then punishes their staff for trying to find things to do during an off season. Where is the justice in all of that? Sometimes, I feel like writing a book based on my work experience for all the people out there suffering from the same inevitable pain I feel each and every work day of the week. They should make a movie on how awesome my firm is, because that is exactly what it is: "awe-some."

Yeah, nothing you do at work ever seems to make the bosses happy. There are 3 sets of rules to follow depending on the boss you're working with, so there's absolutely no uniformity at all. People always berate or belittle you, so you feel like you're never good enough at anything you do. They tell you that you're the same as everyone, always thinking that the bosses are bad people -- in which, I never did up until this last month 'cause I got really sick of getting beaten up by them while beating myself up for never being able to live up to expectations and so now I've decided to embrace the norm and just call them bad people 'cause that's what they think anyway. Fine. I used to think they're great bosses, and the problem only lied with me, it was all my fault and all my problem, but now I'm asking myself, "What the hell are you doing!? If you don't try to stand up for yourself, or help yourself stand up after a beating again, who will do it for you? Definitely not your coworkers or your bosses, so it's time to just do what others do: hate their bosses." So I've decided to embrace that norm and just go with the "It's not my fault, if you can't get past your judgmental biases and hate me for not being as perfect as you are. Maybe you should just go and be a one-person show if you think we're all just waste of space on earth."

And for all of those out there wondering why I'm not quitting yet... Years of experience is needed for another job, and financial reasons. If I left now, I may not be able to find another job as quickly and I'm not sure I can afford leaving my job right now. A year ago, if I had left, I would have had enough to support myself for a good number of months, but now I might not make it past 2 months without a job so I'm also embracing what other people are doing as well: personal survival responsibility.

I never thought there would come a day when I would say this, but I seriously loathe and detest my job. I hate it when you try to be proactive and do more, they tell you that if it hasn't been approved yet, don't do it. Then when you go ask for work, and they don't give it to you so you have nothing to do, it's your fault. The cream of the crop is when the head boss changes their minds so many times that the project goes back & forth a billion times, and then it's your fault that it takes so long when they're the one changing their mind. Yeah, probably most bosses are like this, but people have told me differently too. I mean, why the hell do I have to endure this type of torment in order to earn a living? I guess, there's this saying "If it doesn't kill you, it'll only make you stronger..." ... then why the hell do I feel so much weaker and helpless? I'm on this earn-spend treadmill right now 'cause I'm so unhappy with my life. I make money and I spend it on things I don't need 'cause shopping, cleaning, organizing, and redoing my bedroom are the only things I find joy doing in my life anymore.

My friends tell me to quit for my sanity's sake 'cause cutting my wrists have been looking quite inviting lately -- not because I want to die, but cutting used to be a nice stress relief. (Um... to all those reading right now, don't go cutting yourself. It may have been a nice stress relief when you're younger, but it hurts like a bitch when you're older, no idea why but the pain threshold gets weaker with time. Paper cuts hurt more than they used to!). Anyway, I've been looking around for jobs. Every time I feel the going gets rough, I immediately scan around for an outlet, an escape from my torturous lifestyle, but I don't want to go back home with my tail tucked behind either so I keep trudging along. I don't want to be weak or disappoint my family for not living up to expectations, but maybe that's the problem. I'm always trying to please other people, what about making myself happy for a change?

I'm so tired of trying to make the bosses happy or living in fear because I can't find something to do since no one will relinquish anything and then go down your throat the first moment they see that you're not working on a project. I need a job where I can stay actively busy and actually enjoy doing it. Yeah, all jobs have their off-days, but when you feel like it's an off-day every single day of your work life, isn't that usually a problem? When you can't enjoy work, and you just want to call in sick every day... isn't that kind of problematic? I don't know about other people, but having to work at a place where people seem to enjoy taking out their frustration out on you, and saying how your level of competency is not good enough, and then behind your back that you're barely tolerable is not my idea of a happy work environment.

Still, I can't leave right now for a number of reasons and that's probably the part that makes me the saddest. If I knew there was another job waiting for me elsewhere right now, I'd take it with no hesitation, but I need to stay in this state for now until I finish taking all my exams to get my license -- if I ever get my license. I'm quitting this career in a year if I can't get my license 'cause then it just shows maybe they're all right, maybe I'm just not cut out for this. I certainly don't feel like I'm getting anywhere or doing any better. No one ever praises people at work, and everything said to you is basically a criticism -- though I guess we could take it as constructive feedback, but when that feedback comes out with a negative and stern tone.... can you really call that constructive or destructive?

Of course, the bosses are always in their "Oh yeah, everyone thinks the bosses are the bad guys, but we pay them money!" Oh, so writing my paycheck makes you so much better than the rest of us!? Just because you can, doesn't mean you can belittle and treat people like they're worthless and unbearable to see. We're all young and still learning, and I've really tried to be respectful, but if I'm going to be dismissed for another person's mistake or treated like I'm a nervous train wreck that's about to throw myself into the ocean 'cause I'm so fragile and all, I'm sorry but the time for respect is over. I'm not going to be rude, but I'm not going to bend over backwards either. They think they're bending over backwards for us, and maybe to an extent they are, but that doesn't mean we're not trying to please them either. If nothing we ever do is right, then what really is the point of trying? I'm so sick of being treated like I'm dirt or worse. I've never been treated like this in any other job I've worked at. I've always been a valuable team player, someone they really rely on to get the job done, and very efficient plus resourceful, but here, I'm nothing, I'm useless, and most of all, I'm intolerable. How can I be so awesome at 9 out of 10 of the other places, I've been at, but just so damn awful here? I don't understand.

I used to think there's something wrong with me, now I think there's just something wrong with them. I'm really sick and tired of beating myself up. I'm just going to continue trying my best at what I can do, but seriously, I'm over this. If they don't want to pay me for non-billable time 'cause they're not giving me work, then fine. I'm going to take more time off to study for this exam. If I'm not going to be able to get paid there, I might as well spend my unpaid time at home or at a coffee shop studying. We will BOTH benefit from this.

Seriously, F**K this. *fumes*

Officially Stalking

So I think I've figured out how to follow a blog. I am now stalking my friend and Shimizu-sensei lol. Just thought I'd report that ^_^

New Blog

So after much thought, I finally decided to get myself a Japanese blog as well. I have it under the name Azusamatsuri in Ameba. I still haven't quite gotten everything yet 'cause it's all Japanese and my brain does a little mini-shutdown when I have to use more than 5% of my brain's available thinking power =_=; I've figured some things out by just feeling around, but I'm too lazy to explore anymore than I have for the day. Need to figure out how to follow other blogs on it. I want to stalk Shimizu Yuki sensei *___* and my friend. Yes, the term is "stalk." I love them both equally.

Anyway, some strange news... my left ear can hear again O_O. But I think I'm going to still keep my Tuesday appointment 'cause the itching hasn't stopped. I first noticed the hearing when I was at the gym, I thought it was so weird that I could hear from the left ear and then when I came home, I could hear my roommate as though there's no wall there in my ear. Looks like the antibiotics and the ear drops did the trick... See, I'm a perfectly healthy person who can recover quickly with a little help... ... ... but this itching needs to stop =_= so... I've decided to keep the damn appointment =_= even though it's really going to cost me =_= *sigh* This blows.

I knew it. I mean, I just knew something like this would happen. *sigh* But like they say... something about precautionary measures and preventive medicine =_= *sigh* I hate this. Well, if they need to irrigate still, then at least it'll be easier this time around.

Barnes & Nobles WiFi

So my VAIO computer really needed to install some updates, but I still haven't been able to get on to the internet at home with that computer so I had to go to Barnes & Nobles today to borrow their internet in order to update everything =_= Life's so much fun. When I get back to Oregon, I'm going to get the T-Mobile broadband card so I don't have to go steal public WiFi all the time =_= *sigh*

Ah, I went to Kinokuniya yesterday to pick up my copy of Dear+ July issue and joined their membership program after all. I figure, if I spend more than $200 a year (more like $200 in just 2-3 months), I might as well just get one and save 10% on all my purchases. Why the hell not you know? A lot of other magazines, I can just buy off of Akadot, but Dear+ is the only one I haven't been able to find (along with GUSH, but I was able to wean myself off of that one years ago). Anyway, I'm just addicted to Japanese everything so I can't seem to stay away from Japantown at all.

My left ear is still clogged and now it itches like crazy again. I think it may be trying to heal and such so it's just so itchy these last few days. My general internal medicine doctor prescribed some antibiotics and this antibiotic-like ear drop for my ear and so I've been putting in 10 drops a day into the infected ear like it said to do. I also made an appointment to see an ENT specialist in the city on Tuesday at 10:15A.M. so I'm skipping out on work for the first half of the day. *sigh* I hate losing work hours to a small little disagreement that my body and I am having. I already notified my boss about it so I'm good to go. I wonder if they're annoyed with me for always telling them when I'm going to doctor appointments, etc. No one seems to ever do it, at least I haven't ever seen it, but I guess my mom's always taught me to tell people where you are in these instances so I still do it. I have a lot of habits that other people don't seem to have and sometimes I wonder if they're all that good or not =_=; Am I being responsible or just plain annoying?

I have been doing quite a bit of shopping lately and watching my bank account deplete itself. I just stopped caring after making that appointment with the specialist. I did a forecast of my cash flows for the next few months and I should be able to replenish my savings that $1,000 I took out to throw into checking, H.S.A and pay the board of accountancy. I'm going to try and get my savings to be around $6,000 by year-end, and then hopefully $7,500 during the busy season. Before I go to Japan, I'll put $5,000 back in checking so I'll have enough spending money. No idea what it'll be like when I get over there.

I really should stop saying I don't have money, it's really starting to become like a verbal problem. I have money, I just am trying so hard to meet these financial goals of mine that I've been really on edge when I have to move money around to pay off financial responsibilities. I can always make it back and if I am just not so much of a spendthrift, everything would be fine. I really need to practice restraint with my spending. And when new expenses pop up, it just throws me off since I have a plan and want to stick with it, but of course, life gives us plenty of detours to make it much more interesting.

Man, it's been so long since I've typed on this computer that I can't seem to stop typing. I just want to continue rambling about everything that's happened in the last few weeks, but it seems kind hard to do since I'm neurotic and feel like people are peeking over my shoulder even if they probably aren't.

Oh, right now at Barnes & Nobles, there's a leak on the ceiling of the cafe area. I nearly got hit by a drop, but didn't. Looks like they just sent someone here to do some R&M on it.

Last night, I was watching "Sunao ni Narenakute" and it wasn't that bad of a drama actually. I think some parts really moved slowly, but the part where people became friends on Twitter kind of resonated in me 'cause I became friends with people I met on IRC. Granted that I'm close to only one, but I still have friends that I communicate with from time to time that I met on IRC. I was just remembering my time as an IRC junkie while watching the drama and thought about actually starting a Twitter account even though I've been so adamant about not getting one. That just goes to show that I'm easily influenced by things around me lol.

Another thing, I've started writing at the moment, but I really should be studying. I can't get this idea off of my mind and I really wanted to write so I've just been writing. I'm actually writing the actual story and its prequel at the same time so then I can get some facts straight in the story. I haven't quite figured out how to get the middle part to work yet though. This is a project I've been working on since my sophomore year of senior high, but it's undergone a lot of changes.

My main character was originally a girl and she was the centerpiece of my story, but I have changed it to her lover to become the main lead instead. The main girl used to be this weak, cry-all-the-time-sort of girl 'cause when I started writing this, that was the type of girl I was, trying to be strong, but complex and always depressed. In this version, she is a much stronger person and someone I can like more. Maybe it's 'cause I've change too since I was sixteen. She is twenty in this version while in the original, she was just a sixteen year-old. I figure that 20 is when you're an adult, but still kind of a child at the same time so it's a little bit of a limbo era where people are still trying to figure themselves out. Meanwhile, my main character is now the main guy, and I've made his two siblings more central characters. I think this set-up works better with the story that I'm wanting to tell. Also, I've changed their backgrounds and some names a bit to work better with the themes in the story. I really love symbols, motifs, and themes in stories. They make everything much more interesting so that's what I've done with this story too, I've put a lot of time and thought into it so I hope that sometime in my lifetime this story will be finished. Not sure if it'll ever get published, but I'd like for it be finished.

Also, this story, I've added a prequel to it since while I was trying to figure out the backgrounds of all the characters, my main male lead's grandfather became a very important figure in the past and at first I was going to make him into an antagonist, but over time I decided that I really liked him and that it wasn't that he's a bad guy, but that he was complicated instead. Some other people I've kept as actual antagonists, or changed from good to actual villains in the story. I think it'll surprise my friend, who read the draft of the very first version, but I'm not sure if she even remembers what happened in that first version lol.

Basically, the prequel and main story covers a span of three generations and four clans. The most interesting characters are in the first and third generations, with the second generation simply being a bit of a bridge so bits and pieces of the second generation is touched on in both stories, but I think the main story will cover more on things that happened in the second generation. (I know this isn't making much sense to whoever is reading this right now 'cause I'm kind of thinking as I'm typing) I really should be studying, but I really like this new direction I'm taking with the story. I guess, I still haven't given up my dream on writing a novel. It's just a really simple wish of mine, that's taking forever to complete. I used to want to be a mangaka, but I just don't have talent for it so I give up on that dream. I would like to write a novel and have someone draw it. If it could get published and translated into Japanese someday, that would be so indescribably wonderful. It would be a real honor if one of my favorite mangaka could do illustrations or a manga for it. I guess I could always do my own illustrations for the novel if I ever complete it since it's not like I can't draw, but I wish someone professional can do it. ... I just have to write the damn thing first and hope it's good lol.

But for now... I have to become a CPA. This is my parents' dream, so I have to grant that one first before I can really achieve my own goal =_=; Or... maybe I'll try to do both at the same time? No, can't do that 'cause when I trying to do too much, I just fail miserably at everything altogether. *sigh* I wish life can be easier =_=;

"Vacation"

No complaints, just some thoughts. I'm enjoying my vacation home as much as a vacation can be. It feels a bit like a mini summer break, I guess... kinda like ones that students take after finals or something and go back to their home state. That's kind of how it feels for me, only I have a lot of things to do and much on my mind.

I have to do some recruiting for my firm, and other important things. I have friends that I kind of want to see, and friends who definitely want to see me ^_^; so then I have to squeeze everyone into the schedule to make things work. As much as I love my friends, for some reason once I get home, all I want to see is my family. All the time I have, I just want to spend it with my family. But, I have a feeling that if I don't see my friends, I'm going to be bummed later on for missing the opportunity.

After this vacation, it'll be a while until I get to come back here. I have tests to complete by November, so hopefully I can get my CPA license. After that, I have plans to just live my life next year. I'm doing my research and planning my Post-April 15th vacation to Japan next year, figuring out vacation time to spend in Mexico for my friend's wedding next summer as well, and then the usual Christmas holiday with my family. I lack vacation time to go back more than once to Oregon.

On a better note, my family said that they plan on driving down to the bay area to see me mid-summer of next year. They plan on driving down during 4th of July weekend, so I may take a day extra off to hang out of with them depending on which day it is ^_^

Anyway, tomorrow I have to go to school and visit the campus a bit. Need to figure out what to do with recruiting so then I can go back to work knowing that I have done something and tried my best at making things work. After that, I plan on doing some much needed clothes shopping. I waited until I came back home to buy things so I'm not paying extra down there. I hope I can get tomorrow's work-related things taken cared of so I can just relax for the rest of my time-off.

My Chest Feels A Little Lighter These Days

I was chatting with my friend today about her boyfriend situation and due to all the exercise I've been doing lately, it's gotten easier to talk to her again. The distance between us did a lot of good. I can talk and not feel resentment these days. Even though they have hurt me, made me feel badly about myself, and were just terrible to me, I don't feel so angry or sad these days.

I'm not saying that I want to jump back in and be best friends, because I know how it feels to be that in love with a friend and not have them reciprocate those feelings back, but it doesn't hurt to be able to chat once in a while and enjoy a friendly exchange. Also, because we have spent the last six months apart, I feel like I have waken up from a long nightmare and starting to get back up on my feet. I can't wait until Sunday, it's my study day ^__^

For some reason, I just really like studying and exercising lately lol.

Epiphany

I know I should be doing some last minute studying at the moment, but I came out of the shower, sat on my bed and started crying after my epiphany. I remembered something that I had forgotten for a really long time and I think I can be ok now, like as in really ok now.

I may be alone, I may not have any friends, and I may feel inadequate, but maybe I am not as inadequate as I have thought myself to be.

I have the potential and ability to be really good, I mean, really good at whatever it is that I am doing or want to do. I may be bad at economics, I may be bad at writing essays, I may be bad at a lot of things and my pride might not be able to handle all these flaws that I cannot seem to forgive myself for, but maybe the reason why I have not been able to let go isn't because I have been inadequate at understanding these topics, but because I have not hit against the wall enough times to bleed yet.

I keep thinking that I have pushed myself, that I have gone over the edge, and there was a time where I did nearly throw myself off the cliff, but I didn't. I got lazy and then I was not good anymore.

When I was young, whenever there was a challenge, I really did beat against that wall until I could break it. I worked really hard to get to where I was, but I mistook that for me being naturally smart. I kept thinking that I was naturally smart for a long time and then when I got older, and my grades slipped, I started thinking that this was some fall from grace. I lost my magical powers, I was no longer smart, and I was average. No, I was worst than average, I was nobody anymore. I could not be proud, and could not love myself.

For the longest time, I believed this, but today when I was studying and I could do the answers, I remembered why I was so great. I remembered how hard I worked. I remembered why people could be proud of me and why I could hold my head high. Somehow, I remembered those feelings and I remembered why I was that smart straight-A student. I wasn't naturally smart, I really worked my tail off to get to where I was. I struggled and struggled and struggled, but I always overcame my trials and tribulations because I really gave it my all.

Somewhere down the line, these last seven years have put me in a fog. I lost sight of myself. I started doubting myself, hating myself, and believing myself to be worthless, insignificant and inadequate. I was really disappointed in myself and lived in fear everyday thinking that someone was going to expose me for being the fraud that I was.

I didn't really know what I was doing. I sucked at my job and because I couldn't be better, I hated myself. But you know, I can be better. I understood all the things I read today and I was even able to apply them to my job this week. I got lazy and decided not to broaden my knowledge base, thinking that I was someone going to just get good and later go. It was like my boss said, I felt entitled. I never thought of myself who thought I was entitled to anything, because unlike my peers, I spent so much time beating myself up and hating myself. But... what I have been entitling myself to were excuses. I have been making far too many excuses for my behavior up to now. I might not want to admit it, but I think it is true. And because in the back of my mind I knew it to be true, I hated myself even more.

I remembered today that feeling of being great that I forgot for a long time. Right now it's all baby steps, but I think I can really be something great. I have the potential to be better than what I've made myself believe that I can be. I just have to really work hard and believe that I can that person again. I can be that kid who wowed people at the spelling bee, the one who passed 10 levels of piano exams, the last chair clarinetist who became principal and never relinquished the position throughout all of middle school and high school, and that straight-A student whose homework was everyone's favorite pass-around resource. I think I can believe in myself again after this epiphany. I'm just too tired to study now that I've sat here and cried my eyes out lol. What will be will be tomorrow, but I have found my rhythm again. It took some time, but I'm getting back on my feet.

All of this really started at the beginning of the year when I separated myself from my toxic friends. That was a good move on my part and then I started investing more time in myself. Sure, I spent the last couple months really depressed and lonely, but I think I have found a goal now. I think I have found my ambition again. I couldn't remember it for a long time, but I think I can be ok now for real.

My Show Got Cancelled T__T

Well, it wasn't really my show per se, but I really liked watching it. It wasn't really a surprise at all when announced 'cause there haven't been any commercials for it for weeks now so I knew it was on the chopping block.

So Flashforward is officially cancelled and the May 27th episode will serve as the series finale. The leads weren't that interesting to watch, but the side characters were great. I really liked watching the series for the side characters, which was probably the same reason so many other people liked watching the show too lol. The side characters rocked while the main lead kinda... well... rocked in a not-so-good way =_=;

I was getting kind of tired of watching Mark and Olivia. Both characters kind of were a turn-off to me. Lloyd was getting kind of annoying too. I only really liked Demetri Noh and Janis Hawk. I liked watching Takeuchi Yuko too *__* Too bad this series was so short-lived, it really had potential, but it kind of didn't move much. It took maybe 14 episodes before it got good. For a freshman series... that's pretty bad. Still, it was my kind of story and I really liked it for what it was. Too bad this is all it'll ever be.

I Need a Third Computer

So... I need a third computer. The internet for some reason is not working on my 2009 VAIO, so I am back on my 2007 Dell notebook 'cause for some reason I am now getting internet on this slow-trodding thing. However, because my Dell notebook is not exactly the most updated of all machines, I got spammed by Trojans and lovely malware this morning around 3AM.

Oh yes, it was awesome. It was around this time that my computer did the blue screen of doom in order to save itself -- I will re-dub it as the blue screen of self-defense from now on -- and then it could not start up after it somewhat self-destructed despite running the restart screen. I pulled the plug -- erm, pushed the button -- and then waited a little bit before turning the computer back on, and then it took me to this "I need to fix myself up" screen so I let the computer do its own thing until it finally let me back on. Afterwards, the Antivirus Live bug tried to start doing its thing again, but my connection died on this computer so it held it off for the time being.

I went to my VAIO and tried to look up ways to kill the virus, but of course, the connection kept glitching on me so it's always those first 15 seconds after it reconnects that it actually works. I managed to find this thing called SUPERAntiSpyware Portable Scanner, that I tried to download with my terrible connection -- I had to use BT to keep it from failing on me -- and then I put it in one of my small, hardly-ever use flash drives (so if it gets infected, I won't feel to badly about it) and plugged it into my Dell to start scanning and quarantining. I fell asleep as it was scanning 'cause it was like 4:30AM and still not done doing its thing. When I woke up around 7:30, I pushed the kill button and voila, all terminated. I had to restart it again, and since this computer moves slower than a turtle, I napped for another half hour before waking up to do another scan to make sure the bug is truly dead.

You never know, sometimes, virus stays in even when you think it's gone. Anyway, that stupid bug is gone now and life is peachy again. But that doesn't change the fact that I think having a third, backup computer would be good in case something like this happens again. I might go back and get another Dell. I think I'm going to get a cheaper computer compared to my last two 'cause Dell isn't exactly all that reliable, but right now I am very happy with how it is able to pick up internet when my other computer is not able to. I still love my VAIO, don't get me wrong, but I seriously cannot afford another Sony computer for a while -- they are hella expensive.

So, my next computer will most likely be another Dell computer, but I'm not looking to upgrade it into anything fancy. All I really need is a camera and microphone and I really don't care much for the space. I guess having blu-ray on it couldn't hurt.

Work & Nightmares

Lately, I've been dreaming a lot and not all times the dreams are all too great =_=; Not sure why I'm so stressed out, but I am =_= *sigh* My dream last night was almost like an extension of yesterday or something, it was so weird. My boss was chastising me for a project that I did. I guess I better brace myself today then =_= I couldn't get the stupid thing to balance correctly with my income statement. I somehow managed to get everything else working... not really... I had one or two plug accounts that were just not good =_=; but I did it in desperation to get my partner's capital to tie out =_=; I think in those last three hours, I was just pretty desperate to get things working. *sigh* I hate this stupid subsidiary. Just want to punch it =_= Why isn't it ever easy?

Why Does TV Seem to Glamorize Things So Much?

Exactly how ambitious are people really? Do they always rise to the occasion? Why are all these main characters so super smart and cool, and often underdogs that show people up, etc.? And why can't I be like that? Why is work in real life so much harder than they make it seem on TV?

TV sucks is my conclusion. Movies suck is an addition to that conclusion. They make everything seem so much more dramatized, so much more exciting, so much more of what I don't see much in real life. Man, my life is boring. Work sometimes just makes me want to cry, because things aren't going the way I want them to go. You see the story heroes and heroines go through setbacks, but then they rise to the occasion and proves others wrong. They save the day and are awesome. Why can't I get one of those days too?

Why is work so hard? Do people actually feel like this, or is this something they just decide to leave out in the movies and on TV? Why is it that people make life seem so much easier than it really is?

I'm having a mental crisis right now. I'm nearly twenty-five, I haven't done anything worthwhile or important in my life, I don't have my CPA license, I'm not sure if I made the right career choice, I don't have a boyfriend, I'm constantly lonely, one of my best friends is moving back to Germany because this country kind of sucks in many respects, I don't want to give up my current lifestyle and yet I want something to change.

I want to stop making stupid mistakes at work, I want to be able to move on after people kick me and knock me down, I want a better attitude about things, and I just want something to work for once. I'm so tired of living my life. I want to quit and run away, but I hate feeling like I haven't rammed myself against the wall enough times yet. I'm mentally and physically tired, but I don't want to be labeled as a quitter so I keep standing up after I get knocked down every single time. I just want to run and quit though, but then what? What will I do with my life?

Things kind of suck right now, and yet they're really not that bad. I'm just having a teenager moment in my mid-twenties. I really wonder if I'm immature and stupid. I just feel immature and stupid. I want to impress my bosses, and I keep falling down flat on my face. I'm really starting to lose confidence again.

I don't have too good of a support system. I have no real allies, my good friends are all far away from me. I don't have enough money right now to do anything I really want, so I go shopping to make myself feel better and by doing that, I spend more money than I actually have and it's just a very vicious cycle =_= (It really sucks)

I feel like my mind is swimming in terminal angst right now. Life bites.

Internet Deprivation

I'm still having connection issues though it looks like the difficulties have eased up for the time being. I'm slowly going nuts from not being able to use the internet when I want to, and being quite behind on everything. Not having internet really sucks =_= but I figure I can survive with a patchy connection for the time being. I'm really suffering from lack of better things to do though. I should be studying, but I just want to do other things than studying. *sigh* For instance.. I'm tempted to drive 15 minutes up to the next town so I can buy a copy of Edward Elgar's Enigma Variations 'cause I just want it so bad. The rain is the only thing preventing me from driving anywhere right now. *sigh* I'm so bored =_= Maybe I should swing over to BestBuy and see if they have it... I'm just dying from boredom right now.

Pros & Cons of Tax Busy Season

I think my favorite time of the year is probably mid-February through mid-April, because there's a lot to do and tax time really is fun though it's stressful. There's lot of challenges and lots of things to learn, so I love the busyness of these two months. From mid-April through mid-September, it's a good pace, though sometimes slow, but I hope since I'm climbing up on the knowledge ladder, there will be more for me to do this year compared to last year. Anyway...

Yes, these two months are my fave of the year work-wise, but they are also the two killer months for me 'cause I just don't take care of myself as well as I should. We just get so busy that sometimes we lose track of time, forget to feel hunger or thirst so I don't drink enough water. I used to drink 8 glasses of water a day, but now I don't think I even make it past three. I try to down as much water as possible on the weekends, but it doesn't change that during the weekdays, it gets pretty bad. Unless I go to the gym that week, sometimes I barely drink enough water at all =_= *sigh* So... my body has really been suffering lately.

I've been drinking almost nothing, but coffee lately since I can't really function without the extra energy boost these days. I've been eating about the same type of things I've been eating all year full of veggies, fruits, protein, carbs, etc., but my digestive system's been on the fritz due to the lack of water intake. Despite all the exercise I've been doing, my weight won't change, and my skin can feel the waste build-up in my body so finally I couldn't take it anymore and drank one of those diet teas that I really don't like, but this was starting to get ridiculous so that's why I did it.

And today... I feel absolutely sick (which is exactly why I never drink these diet teas unless I'm really desperate to purge my system). I felt so nauseous this morning, but throwing up wasn't going to solve anything so I decided that I had to eat something, but whatever I looked at in the fridge only fueled my nausea. Then I rummaged through my food bin and found macaroni & cheese -- nothing like carbs for a nauseated stomach -- so I had mac & cheese today, and it's been like a year since I've had any lol. Tasted so good *___* I also had a crumpet *__* Carbs are so good when you feel like death, which is why I always dragged myself to the breakfast place over here when I'm hungover lol. They say you should avoid oily foods when you're nauseated, but sometimes it helps better with me. Not that I had anything all too oily today, but it wasn't what one would call all that nutritious lol. I just wanted the nausea to go away lol.

Also, they say to stay away from citrus when you're nauseated, but those happen to help me the most. Weird, huh? LoL. I mean, anything sweet just makes me want to yak, but tartness really makes me feel better. Hmm... pasta with tomato sauce sounds really good today too. Maybe I'll make some for lunch/dinner later. I really do not feel in a rice mood today.

(500) Days of Summer

This is another really good independent film I just finished watching. The critics kind of panned the chemistry of the two leads, but I think it was fine considering that they were not supposed to end up together. If there was chemistry, they would have ended up together. For some reason, while I was watching the movie, it reminded me of my friend and her relationships with guys. It always seems like that, though not 100%.

The movie is about a greeting card writer (boy) who meets a girl (his boss's assistant) and falls for her, believing that it's fate. The only problem is that aside from the things they did have in common, their opinions on some things were vastly different. He believes in destiny, love, and fat, but she does not. Their relationship actually spans less than 300 days, but the whole journey of his experience with Summer (the girl) is 500 days from day 1 (attraction) to day 500 (closure).

It is a very slice of life movie and I really enjoyed it. The main guy did a really good acting job, very impressive.

Top Picks

Ok, so I have narrowed down my top two young singers that I can tolerate and enjoy: Demi Lovato and Ashley Tisdale. Their music actually is pretty decent. No idea how they sound live, but they have a couple really good songs, and I like Tisdale's style, reminds me of some of the Japanese music I like. I don't know, I tend to go for music with this similar feel. I don't know about them as actresses 'cause I don't care much for their acting, but their music is worth listening to. Taylor Swift is ok as long as she's not singing live =_=; I like her songs, but only the recorded versions. When she sings live, she gets REALLY flat =_=;;; I mean, I'm pretty tolerant towards pitchiness -- I have a high threshold for pain -- but that was a bit too much for me to handle =_=;

Which means I have eliminated Jonas Brothers -- I don't think I've ever heard of such boring music in my life -- Miley Cyrus -- she definitely should not be singing =_= -- and I forgot all the others (Yeah, I know... they didn't appeal to me so much I cleared them out of my memory pretty quickly)

Oh, I only heard one song by Selena Gomez, but it wasn't too bad, though since she's just a teenager, one of the songs I listened by her had a very teenager theme to it "Don't treat me like a kid." She sounds so much older than she is. I think one of more mature songs is "Naturally." She really sounds much older than 17. I don't think she's that pretty, but she has a pretty decent voice. No idea how she sounds live, but her songs have a beat that I can agree with.

Another surprise for me was Dakota Fanning singing as Cherie Curie. They sound so alike it was freaky. I don't know... I've been in total rock mode lately so anything ballad-like (Vanessa Hudgens) so is no good for me.

Anyway, that's all ^_^

Work & People

Today was one of those days... or should I say... one of those VERY FEW days where I actually feel the taunt string of patience snap and actually lose my temper. I think it was so amazing, that even my boss lady was amused.

So what happened was this:

I was working on this huge client file, and it's hella big, but they are REALLY organized so that helped a lot. The problem was with the copying though =_= The new admin lady did the copying for this one and how I knew it was her was because of two things:

#1: For the general partner, my boss-boss, only the two admin get to copy/organize his things, because he feels that his accountants are really valuable ($$ price) so we should be focusing on preparing returns while they get everything organized so we can do our jobs better

#2: Her handwriting was on the post-it attached to a huge 1099 packet.

Well, I was going through the client's binder when I noticed two original pages of a 1099 statement were in the file and it really unsettled me. So I went up to get the client's envelope full of originals to see if maybe what we had was a copy -- but I was sure what I had in my hand was an original, because of the paper texture. And then, I opened up the envelope, leafed through the documents and saw it: pages 3 & 4 of the statement that I only had the first 2 pages for, so the originals were missing the 2 pages I had in my hand. This was a really small mistake, but she needed to know what she did in order to not do it again, so I went up to the front to talk to her.

When I got there, I was like, "N? Did you work on [insert client's name]'s file?" I said it in my politest tone possible -- despite the fact that I was annoyed as hell. She was like, "Oh, I can't remember." (She sounded scared and when she said she couldn't remember, that was probably the truth 'cause her memory span never really lasts any longer than 5 seconds in my opinion.) She went to go check her timesheets, and she asked if it was done this week, and I said, "I don't know" -- I mean seriously, I have like a lot of clients' actual info to remember and enough trouble trying remember what I'VE done, let alone whether or not other people have done what they were supposed to do. She only went back two timesheets and said that she really couldn't remember and that she would have to look at it. (I'm thinking to myself... I don't have time for this...)

I then just pretended it wasn't her fault and went ahead to say, "Well, it's like this. I was just doing this client's file when I noticed two pages of the client's original 1099 hole-punched and in the binder. I went to open the client's envelope and these two pages were missing. We need to send these back to the client so we can't have pages of their documents missing."

She looked at me, flustered, and said, "I'm not sure what you're talking about."

My boss lady -- though I didn't know it at the time -- was in her office listening to us, and my friend (the other admin), was sitting there typing and also listening to us. I think they both started to hear the change in my tone ... though a gradual one.

I looked at the lady and was thinking that maybe what I was saying really didn't make sense, so I separated pages 1&2 from 3&4 into two piles and pointed to the right pile (1-2) and said, "This was in the client's binder." I then pointed to the pile on the left (3-4), and said, "This was in the client's green envelope. This" (I held up 1-2) "should have been together with this" (I put 1-2 with 3-4) "in the client's green envelope, but it wasn't." (Breathe) "There are times when the client will want us to keep the originals for them, but since we have an envelope full of originals, it means we will be sending their originals back and therefore cannot have this happen. Unless we are keeping the documents for them, we never punch holes in the originals and put them in the binder."

She still didn't understand what I was saying, and went on to say, "How do you know that I was not the only one to touch the originals?" (Very defensive)

And I was thinking to myself ... the 2 reasons listed above... but I said instead, "I don't know that for certain, but I do know that we only go grab the originals ourselves when we think we may be missing something and it might not have been copied. That way we will know what to ask the client for what's still outstanding." (I felt my hands shake, because when I am angry, my hands shake ... plus... I was on my second cup of coffee)

She went on to say that she copies everything unless told not to copy something -- I thought to myself, even when you are told not to copy shit, you still copy it =_= -- because she thought I was trying to blame her for not copying the last 2 pages of the 1099, but that wasn't my point. My point was that I found two originals in our binder, which should have been in the f**king envelope and it wasn't, and she had to get really defensive on me and say, "How do you know that someone else other than me didn't touch the originals?" (It can only be you, because you're the only person who does stupid shit like this. Granted you're new, it's still quite inexcusable when you can't even get something this logical right. It's just plain sad.)

I'm not sure what she went on to say next, it might have been along the lines that I was blaming her for something she probably didn't do -- I hate it when people can't own up to their own stupid mistakes -- but I do remember myself saying this, "I never said it was you." (It's true, I not once said "You did this wrong, blah blah blah") "I only asked if you worked on this and you said you couldn't remember, so that was that. I am only telling you what happened and why it is such a problem because you're new, and so I was just letting you know that if you ever come across something like this in the future, you will know what to do. That was all I was saying. There is no need to get so defensive."

(Out of everyone in the firm, I was the first one to call her out on being defensive and I think I really did strike a chord. I was the kindest with my words of criticism, because my senior tax manager is the harshest out of everyone in the firm and when she finds that you did something wrong, she will ream you and destroy you ... yeah, I'm not joking. She is feared like God. Anyway...)

The admin lady got more flustered when I said that, and I said, "In any case, that's all." I'm not sure what she said then, because I was so blinded with rage and my hands were shaking so uncontrollably that I had to remove myself from that place. I simply walked back to my office and tried to regain my composure. I vented to my office mate and she found it pretty hilarious actually 'cause I actually snapped.

Meanwhile, my boss lady -- she missed the last half of the conversation 'cause she went into my boss's office -- but she went up to my friend, the other admin, and said to her -- when the new lady wasn't up there, "Did you hear how exasperated Hisaya got when talking to N?" My friend nodded and was like, "Yeah." My boss lady was like, "If Hisaya can get that exasperated, that is really saying something."

My friend went to go tell me this later on when she needed to vent about the new lady. She was processing some returns and the new lady went over there to work on something when there wasn't any room in the area to start with, so my friend decided to stop what she was doing to let her do what she needed to do and come to our office.

But the meaning behind what my boss lady's words was this:

Out of everyone in the firm, I had an almost interminable amount of patience. I almost never lose my temper and I am very tactful and diplomatic. I am maybe one of the nicest people in the firm, and I hardly ever show my anger even if I am seething inside, so if someone can make me as exasperated as they did today, that is saying that that person is really no good for the firm.

I was pretty surprised with how high of esteem my boss lady held me in, really pleasantly surprised, I guess. But, this lady has been making mistakes nonstop and she hasn't gotten a single thing right since she came here to work, so it has been really grating everyone's nerves -- not just mine, EVERYONE's. She can't type right, she can't copy right, she seriously can't do anything right so anything she does, one of us has to fix it. It's been a real pain. She is a nice person -- when you're not telling her to be careful about a mistake she made regardless of how nice you put it -- but she is really lacking in the common sense department and she is extremely defensive. The last admin lady we had was a royal bitch, this one is a cupcake compared to that one, but she is so incompetent, it's sad.

I have been so patient with her, but her inability to admit fault and to try and pass it off to someone else was pretty unacceptable to me. Even though I wanted to say that she did it, I didn't 'cause I wanted her to have that stupid wiggle room, and I couldn't say anything without solid proof. I think the only smart thing she did today, was not go back an extra week 'cause if she did, my client's name would have been on that timesheet. I will give her smart points for that. At least now I have to keep it ambiguous as though she didn't do it, but her not so smart points is this .... I do the timesheet entries at the beginning of every month and I'm pretty certain that I will be doing them next week, so if I see my client's name on that thing, I will be laughing my ass off. No, I won't go to her about it 'cause it's not worth it, but it will at least validate that I wouldn't have gone up to her without reason. Well, even if she didn't do it, I would have told her anyway 'cause she's the newest person here so it's no surprise if she screws up, but to not be able to make copies is kind of sad. (She can't even stack paper straight or staple straight... her stapled packets fan out like as in a Japanese fan spread out =_= and sometimes... the thicker returns are stacked like the paper version of a leaning tower of Pisa)

It's really sad.

But... on a good note. She did come to apologize for her behavior when I was on lunch. I said it was ok and it did feel much better for her to say that. She has some redeemable quality in that sense. I think I can work with that.

But the funniest part of the day was how my boss lady found it amusing that this lady was amazing enough to make me exasperated. And I mean it when I say that I am REALLY patient when I am at work. I will get irritated and swallow it down, but I don't become that visibly frustrated with people. I have never had my hands shake like that at work ever, this was definitely the first time I felt such rage. Yeah, I have gotten angry with people before too like when my former office manager was there and she was so mean, but I think I cowered more from fear 'cause she had the means to make your life living hell. Still, I have never felt my hands shake from such fury before. I have to say, even I was amazed myself with how I snapped.

I thought I was a royal bitch later though, but my friend was like, "No, you were great. When you told her that there was no need to get so defensive, I was like "Yes! Go Hisaya!" Telling it like it is was definitely the right thing."

I really thought I was a super bitch, because my hands were shaking so bad, but if my friend -- she can't lie -- told me that I did not then I will believe that. Still, I am glad she came over to apologize for how she spoke to me, 'cause she really was in the wrong and for her to not take responsibility was really inappropriate. Everyone knew it was her, there's no question about it.

I may be younger to her -- and that's why I was trying to be nice -- but I am a professional and my job status is above her. I also have more seniority than her at work, because I have been there longer and know the lay of the land better. I know how things should be run, granted I still make dumb as f**k mistakes now and then and sometimes too often for my own liking, but I know the basics and if I tell her to do something, she shouldn't make it seem like I'm overstepping my bounds.

When I first started to work, people don't always tell me the mistakes I made so I kept making the same stupid mistakes. I took time today to tell her what mistake she made so she could be careful in the future -- granted I didn't explicity say it was her. I took MY time, which is VERY VALUABLE right now 'cause it's 13 days before April 15th and I can't be wasting my time instructing people on how to copy or organize things. I have lots of clients' stuff to do and I have to get into an argument over something this trivial? *sigh*

Anyway, I hope this means we'll be going off in the right direction from now on. I think I might have really stabbed her with the "No need to be so defensive" line though, but my friend said she was really proud of me when I said that 'cause people were tired of hearing her excuses.

In a way, I felt like a grownup today. I took care of the problem somewhat like an adult, though the anger factor I'll deduct points on, but at least I didn't go all full-blown bitch and chew her out. So I guess today was an interesting day for me in which I was able to change some people's opinions on me for the better, and able also get my message across to the one who needed to hear it. So it was kind of a good day.

Disney Tween Stars

I'm trying to weed out ones I'm not a fan of and find ones that are worthy of adoration (from their current fans, not me), but that I can enjoy just as much as the next fan. Now that I'm officially old, and all these tween stars are out there, I just can't figure out what's good or not good anymore so I went through all the "hot" young stars out there to figure out if any of their music is worth listening to.

So... I will admit that I actually did watch High School Musical, and I thought Vanessa Hudgens was the better singer when compared to Ashley Tisdale at the time... but now that I think of it... maybe she just had the better songs 'cause when you break them out of their images and just see them as Vanessa or Ashley the singer, Ashley is WAY better. Even though Vanessa tries to be more adult, her songs don't really have much depth to them, they are too Disney-like for me -- if that even makes sense. Ashley, on the other hand, is more my style so that's probably why I like her right now. I'm not her biggest fan, but I can listen to the music and like it.

The next pairing is Hilary Duff vs. Lindsay Lohan -- at least this was the comparison made years ago when both were actually selling and popular. Hilary Duff is ok, I like maybe a few songs by her, but that's about it. I like a few songs by Lindsay Lohan too, but if you ask me... I'm really not at all that into these two at all. Lindsay's a bad role model, and Hilary is a bad actress, but at least Hilary can kind of sing so I'll give her props for that.

Demi Lovato vs. Miley Cyrus: I haven't really heard much by Demi Lovato, but I know that I'm definitely not a fan of Miley Cyrus. She's kind of annoying, and her songs are very average teenager songs -- go figure, she's only 17. I listened to maybe two songs by Demi and she's alright, but I don't know yet.

I have not heard a single song by the Jonas Brothers and for some reason, the more girls go crazy for them, the more I tend to shut them out. I guess I'm not cut out for this tween pop stuff 'cause I'm old and picky lol. I do like Taylor Swift, but she isn't a tween anymore ^_^; Well, she's alright. She doesn't really sound that good live, and yes, country isn't the most interesting genre at all, but I do give her some props for making it big with my least fave genre lol.

Zac Efron's a good singer, but thank god he decided to choose acting over singing. He has a lot of potential to be a good actor and I think if he just nurses that, it would be good, better than getting stuck with his High School Musical image forever =_=

Well, in the end, still not sure if I like anybody, but hey, Ashley Tisdale has quite a few songs that I find decent at the moment.

Speak

I just finished watching the independent film, Speak, that was released in 2004 with Kristen Stewart. I thought she was an ok actress when watching Twilight, but then I thought she was really good in New Moon. Now, after watching "Speak," which she was in when she was 13, I think she really is a good actress and will be an even better one someday. Yes, she does have that sullen look to her, but I think she is really good.

"Speak" is about a high school freshman girl named Melinda Sordino, who is raped by an upperclassmen and then becomes almost mute. She is the object of scorn and bullying at school, which causes her to become more of a recluse until she meets art teacher, Mr. Freeman, who helps her change into someone who can speak. She also is befriended by her biology lab partner, who becomes one of her real friends, and through the movie, she learns how to stand up again.

I was really blown away by her acting, it was like watching a scene in real life, you wouldn't even think it was acting, you would have thought it was real. She does it so naturally, you wouldn't even remember she is only acting. A little bit before the ending, I cried, because her turning point was going so strong. I don't know, but I really felt it. When she was sad, I felt sad, and when she was gaining ground and strength, I felt happy for her. I think this has probably climbed up there to my top 20 films to recommend.

I think I might have just become one of Kristen Stewart's fans, because her acting really is quite good. She managed to make me love Isabella Swan from Twilight... and I hated her in the book. She was the most annoying heroine I've ever read, and the reason why I took so many hiatuses from reading the series. But when I watched Kristen in the movies, she was just so good at what she does that I can't even hate her character. There was one segment in New Moon, that I thought was just really good -- actually, the entire Italy part was good -- and I just thought her acting was great.

One of my friends decided she hated Kristen Stewart 'cause she got a mullet for the movie "The Runaways" ... but I think that is quite the opposite. I commend her for chopping up her hair for a movie, because that means she is really prepping for a role. She also learned to play guitar and sing for that movie. I don't see anything wrong with that, in fact I think she is great for doing that. People, who change their looks for a role are serious and should be commended for it, not hated just because you're superficial. I really don't like it when people dislike someone for something so trivial =_= So retarded. Disliking someone for doing stupid things is different, but even then, one has to separate personal from professional.

For instance... I am not a fan of Miley Cyrus. I really don't think she can sing all that well, but I can't comment on the acting 'cause I haven't seen anything with her in it -- that would strike my interest anyway -- plus... the fact that she's such a teenager doesn't exactly boost up points -- her offscreen attitude isn't too good sometimes. But... I don't hate her, I just prefer not to listen to her speak or sing (be it public or private), but if she is good at acting, then I will watch something with her in it. If she is insufferable, then I'll just choose not to watch anything with her in it. So easy. No need to be a fan, but no need to hate her either.

Just like some people are like "I hate Britney Spears" or "I hate Angelina Jolie" or "I hate Sarah Palin" or "I hate Hilary Clinton" ... ... ... ... While I understand people have flaws -- some more than others -- dude... it's not like they did something to directly hurt you, so why do you hate them so much? Why waste energy on such negative thinking? Goodness, it makes me think "Don't you all have something better to do than sit around and be haters?" Hate's such a strong word =_= Unless someone directly hurts you, using "hate" is a bit ... overdoing it. The word loses meaning after you recycle it over and over again, and then it just becomes annoying and you become the hateful thing that no one wants to listen to. At least that's how I see it.

One of my friends does nothing, but say "I hate this" or "I hate that" and I'm like "Jeez, why are you such a hater?" So annoying.

Oh dear, got off such a weird tangent lol. But yeah, anyway... back to the movie. Watch it if you like independent films with good acting ^__^

I Know I'm Not The Best...

I know that I am not the best translator out there in the world... but when you start reading scanlations along with the raws, you begin to realize... that maybe you're somewhat better than what's out there.

I do have some translators that I like a lot and I really do look up to their skills like Okaeshi, PresenceDear, and a few others, but I was reading something from a big mainstream group just now and though the majority is good, I don't agree with some of their translations. I'm not saying that I am perfect, but I think in some ways, my version of the translation is better... if that makes any sense.

Right now, I'm translating Natural Doggy's Diary, which apparently has had two chapters translated by Nakama, and already, I found a few things I did not like. Scanlations are not perfect and even the published English versions are not perfect. I felt that DMP ruined one of my fave stories 'cause they put some text into the wrong bubble for "Ai wa Doko Itta?" I was pretty disappointed. Makes you wish they're more careful.

My method of translating is to type up the script in Japanese and then translate into English, this way I get more practice with my writing and character recognition. Also, if people don't agree with what I have translated, they can just point it out in the text. The sneaky thing about scanlations is that you can't read the Japanese text for the most part so you just accept it as it is, even though it's wrong. Most people can't read Japanese anyway, so they wouldn't know to begin with, but when I see something I find disagreeable, I have to go in and do my own version or change it, I guess. Anyway... back to translating I go.

My Way is The Right Way

Rawr!!!!! I'm tired of hearing that type of tone in the things people are saying these days. Even if it's not explicitly stated, that's what it means "my way is right, you should do this."

I DON'T WANT TO! MAKE ME!

... is so what I would like to say, but I'm just biting my tongue, smiling and swallowing it down. I'm just vexed.

Everyone's giving me ideas, options, and borderline commands on what I should or should not do with my car. I'm kind of pissed right now 'cause I'm tired of listening to them. I know what to do. Yeah, I have freak out moments when things happen, but once I calm down, I come up with some pretty good survival techniques so I really can do without the "You should do this" spiel. I'm seriously tired of hearing it.

I had people tell me to go buy radiator fluid, people tell me to use their mechanics, use some cheaper auto shop, get AAA, among a billion other things.

Look, my car overheats within 15 minutes of driving, how the hell am I supposed to get anywhere they tell me to go? Target? WalMart? Keep dreaming, those places are all 30-60 minutes away from where I live, and I can barely make 15 without crying. And right now, it's like 70 degrees outside... you seriously want me to drive in 70 degree weather with my car? I can barely do 50 degrees at night time for more than 15 minutes, how do you expect me to drive in broad daylight with 70+ degrees outside?

AAA is useful and not so useful depending on things. My car is fairly new and what's happening at the moment is like a freak incident so I really don't need it. My car probably won't break down anytime soon and if it does, my car insurance will reimburse me for towing costs so I have no need for AAA. I probably won't ever lock my keys in my car 'cause it's so new, so no need for them to break into my car to retrieve my keys either. So yeah, people stop telling me to buy a service that I have absolutely no use for. If worst comes to worst, I'll just call the police.

I am going to use the Volkswagen dealership in the next town closeby. My friend/coworker said that she would go with me if I wanted her to go 'cause she wants to recommend her guy, but he's on vacation in France right now so I have to wait 3 weeks... I really can't wait 3 weeks. However, if the next opening is in three weeks, I'll wait for her to go. This one I can do, but I have my own thoughts on what I should be doing anyway, so hearing any other options is just going to aggravate me more.

My plan is to go in really early one of the weekdays -- since the service department seems closed on Saturday -- and make an appointment at 7AM. I'll wake up early and start driving there early that way the weather's still cold and I won't be as scared of my car overheating before I get there. After that, I'll take a bus down, or I can ask my coworkers to swing by and pick me up before they come to work. When my car is ready to be picked up, I'll just figure out a bus route to get there, or go after work and ask my coworkers to take me there and drop me off since it's on their way home. Out of all the options people have given me, I think mine is most sound. I just want them to leave me be. It's so tiring to expend this much mental energy listening to things I don't want to hear and then be irritated by it. *sigh* I'm so tired and I still have to go to the gym. *sigh*

Car Overheated Again

I felt my hands shaking and my legs shaking as I was driving, because my car hit the 260F mark again. I was so scared. My heart can't take this, so I'm going to take my car to the dealership hopefully this Saturday so I can get it all fixed. While, I'm at it, I think I'm going to get it serviced and such too. I need to really grow up and take some control over the things happening in my life 'cause I've just been floating.

I'm not sure if I'm coherent anymore by this point in time. I had a great time with my friends in San Francisco and then had to deal with my car going on the fritz, then came home to see that the light was not on and that was really the tip of the iceberg. I had to really keep myself from losing my temper. I was already pretty wracked from the whole driving thing, and then to come home to that just made me crack.

I don't like being stressed like this. I can't handle it, not with all the stuff going on, and not with work being crazy busy. I almost cried today, because it was so stressful.

First my friends from Oregon drove down to see family -- and me as well -- and there are two sets of them, so we all meet up in San Francisco. My best friend called me and was like "My fiance and his cousins seem bored [with Japantown], are there any interesting places around?" I couldn't think of any off the top of my head 'cause I know that my friend loves a lot of things I like, and her fiance isn't easy to please, but isn't hard to amuse either (if it makes any sense) so I thought it would be fine, but they were bored and I couldn't think of anything for them do, so that was my number one stress-inducing factor. Then I started driving and my car seem fine and dandy until I saw that the temp was climbing. That was VERY scary. I nearly crashed into the car in front of me 'cause I was so freaked by my thermostat. I was really stressed for the 30 minutes it took me to get to Japantown. Then when I got there, my friend's fiance's cousins were kind of bored and I just can't really deal with it. I get a little nerve-wracked when I can't entertain people at the drop of the hat. I am a good entertainer, I try to divide up my attention among everyone, but it's so hard when they seem pretty disinterested and I don't know what to do after a long day at work and an incessant auto issue. It was just really stressful.

After that, we met my friend from college -- whom I love to pieces -- and my other friend (coworker) showed up later and all 7 of us went to dinner together after trying to pick a good restaurant. They wanted sushi so I picked Osaka-ya, which had noodles, donburi, and sushi so everyone could have something they wanted. My friend/coworker wanted noodles (I think she ended up getting a donburi though), and my other friends wanted sushi, and one wanted yakisoba, two did not like seafood and this place at everything, which could accommodate all those differentiating tastes and such so I picked there. I'm glad that worked out... Even trying to pick the restaurant was stressful for me 'cause I try so hard to please everyone.

I'm a bit of an entertainer out with friends so of course, I do quite a bit of talking in order to get some topics that are hilarious -- mostly self-deprecating -- so that the amusement stays throughout the course of the meal. It's so tiring at times, but I love my friends a lot so it was fun despite the energy spent on it lol. My coworker's friend (who is crushing on her) and he's also a mutual friend of mine, showed up later to join us for dinner 'cause he loves my coworker a lot and wants to spend lots of time with her. (God, he's so patient lol. He's a great catch if only she would like him more =_=;;; Poor thing....)

Anyway, dinner let me forget all the bad things that seem to be happening, and it was great. Then it was time to leave and of course, things kind of go nuts. My Oregonian friends wanted to look at my car and make sure it's ok. Well, it was ok... but it wasn't ok when I drove it home =_=;;; It was so not ok... It went all the way to max overheating and I was scared to death. I was just on the verge of tears as I drove 'cause I was so scared. I finally parked on the side of the road once I got into downtown of the little hamlet I live in. I parked my car and turned off the ignition. I waited 15 minutes for it to cool down and called my parents. Afterwards, I drove the last 5 minutes stretch home and was really rattled.

I can't handle these varying highs & lows in one day. It's exhausting =_=; *sigh* Oh well. At least I made it home in one piece and I'm fine now.

うわー 惚れ直すかも

So I've never really cared much about Ninomiya Kazunari other than the fact that I think he's a pretty good actor, but his hair in this PV makes him look so good *___*. I was thinking to myself, "Uwa.... I may be falling in love again lol." I used to never be all that into Oguri Shun either, but then after I saw him with really short hair in "Tokyo Dogs," I was like O,O .... Oh, my, he really is good-looking lol. Well, that's how I feel about Ninomiya in this PV for "Believe."

Some guys look better with shorter hair and some guys look good with their hair spiked like that *__* People really should wear their hair in ways that best suit them.

And I watched Lee Jun Ki's PV again today and decided, it's ok to have single eyelids. He looks hot without double eyelids, so I really should stop being so fixated on changing the way my eyes look. I grew up with my mom telling me that I'd look a lot prettier with double eyelids so I've been really self-conscious with the way I look. I basically poured all over every magazine, internet image, etc. that I could find of all these Asian stars to see who has double eyelids and who has single eyelids 'cause I just feel so genetically-gyped. Why do all these beautiful people have double eyelids? Does that mean I really am not pretty?

Yeah, I kind of went overboard lol. Kuroki Meisa looks like she may or may not have double eyelids, I can't really tell, but I think she's really pretty *___* Lee Jun Ki is so pretty and he has single eyelids so I think I can breathe easier now.

I think one of the reasons why the manga, "Aisubeki Musume-tachi" clicked so much with me -- despite the fact that it's by one of my fave mangaka/authors of all time, Yoshinaga Fumi -- is because of the different interactions and lives of the women in the story that I can kind of relate to. For instance, Mari, the mother of Yukiko -- the "main" character -- grew up with her mother always telling her that she's bucktoothed and not that pretty, so she has a complex and when people tell her that she's pretty, she doesn't believe them. I guess that's the same with me. No matter who tells me that I am pretty, I have a complex about myself that makes me not believe people when they say that. I don't like my eyelids, I don't like my nose, or my chin, or the roundness of my face, the largeness of my bone structure, my ugly fingers and fingernails, plus my gigantic feet. I have all these flaws that I just don't like, and it's not like they can change with exercise like my weight or something, so it's just kind of stuck for good. So I can't think that I'm pretty no matter how hard I try. Oh well ^_^; I want to find a guy like Mari does in the story.

She marries a younger man and an ex-host who is an aspiring actor for period dramas, and to top that, he is three years younger than her daughter, Yukiko lol. But he is exactly what she needs and I find it really sweet. *sigh* If only I can meet someone like that lol. I love that story, it's really nice.

Car Overheating

I had quite a fright yesterday as I was driving, the light to my thermostat went on and it was at 260F. I freaked out. Well, my inside was panicking, but I just drove the last stretch to get home and park my car in the shade to let it cool off. I was originally planning on going to Safeway after going to the mall to return the pants I got from Banana, but after seeing my car do that... I just decided to give up and go home. I was really freaked out.

I called up my dad and he was giving me a string of worst possible scenarios in my really freaked out state of mind, which I did not appreciate so I was kind of loud, obnoxious and screechy. Ok, make that very loud, obnoxious and screechy. When I get scared or if I'm panicking and people only say things that freak me out more, I can't become nice. I yell, I get upset, and I'm just a mess, very not fun to deal with. (The saddest part is that I know this of myself =_=) Anyway, he told me to put some water in the thingy, which I did and to watch for leaks, which there weren't any. Not that I know of anyway.

Then my uncle came over to check up on my car and we didn't see anything wrong, so it might have just been the thermostat or that the water was low. It's been really warm these last few days, so we think that may be why =_=; *sigh* I really had a bad scare yesterday. I need to drive my car later tonight to test it out again 'cause I have to go to the city and I don't want my car to explode on me or something =_= So not a good feeling.

On the bright side... my taxes got filed and my check was deposited so life is good on the legal side. Now I have to go run off my stress and the dinner I just consumed. I'm still feeling kind of hungry, but I think it's my mind playing tricks on me. If I sit here any longer, I'm just going to continue eating. Better go run it all off. I'm getting so fat =_=;