Epiphany

I know I should be doing some last minute studying at the moment, but I came out of the shower, sat on my bed and started crying after my epiphany. I remembered something that I had forgotten for a really long time and I think I can be ok now, like as in really ok now.

I may be alone, I may not have any friends, and I may feel inadequate, but maybe I am not as inadequate as I have thought myself to be.

I have the potential and ability to be really good, I mean, really good at whatever it is that I am doing or want to do. I may be bad at economics, I may be bad at writing essays, I may be bad at a lot of things and my pride might not be able to handle all these flaws that I cannot seem to forgive myself for, but maybe the reason why I have not been able to let go isn't because I have been inadequate at understanding these topics, but because I have not hit against the wall enough times to bleed yet.

I keep thinking that I have pushed myself, that I have gone over the edge, and there was a time where I did nearly throw myself off the cliff, but I didn't. I got lazy and then I was not good anymore.

When I was young, whenever there was a challenge, I really did beat against that wall until I could break it. I worked really hard to get to where I was, but I mistook that for me being naturally smart. I kept thinking that I was naturally smart for a long time and then when I got older, and my grades slipped, I started thinking that this was some fall from grace. I lost my magical powers, I was no longer smart, and I was average. No, I was worst than average, I was nobody anymore. I could not be proud, and could not love myself.

For the longest time, I believed this, but today when I was studying and I could do the answers, I remembered why I was so great. I remembered how hard I worked. I remembered why people could be proud of me and why I could hold my head high. Somehow, I remembered those feelings and I remembered why I was that smart straight-A student. I wasn't naturally smart, I really worked my tail off to get to where I was. I struggled and struggled and struggled, but I always overcame my trials and tribulations because I really gave it my all.

Somewhere down the line, these last seven years have put me in a fog. I lost sight of myself. I started doubting myself, hating myself, and believing myself to be worthless, insignificant and inadequate. I was really disappointed in myself and lived in fear everyday thinking that someone was going to expose me for being the fraud that I was.

I didn't really know what I was doing. I sucked at my job and because I couldn't be better, I hated myself. But you know, I can be better. I understood all the things I read today and I was even able to apply them to my job this week. I got lazy and decided not to broaden my knowledge base, thinking that I was someone going to just get good and later go. It was like my boss said, I felt entitled. I never thought of myself who thought I was entitled to anything, because unlike my peers, I spent so much time beating myself up and hating myself. But... what I have been entitling myself to were excuses. I have been making far too many excuses for my behavior up to now. I might not want to admit it, but I think it is true. And because in the back of my mind I knew it to be true, I hated myself even more.

I remembered today that feeling of being great that I forgot for a long time. Right now it's all baby steps, but I think I can really be something great. I have the potential to be better than what I've made myself believe that I can be. I just have to really work hard and believe that I can that person again. I can be that kid who wowed people at the spelling bee, the one who passed 10 levels of piano exams, the last chair clarinetist who became principal and never relinquished the position throughout all of middle school and high school, and that straight-A student whose homework was everyone's favorite pass-around resource. I think I can believe in myself again after this epiphany. I'm just too tired to study now that I've sat here and cried my eyes out lol. What will be will be tomorrow, but I have found my rhythm again. It took some time, but I'm getting back on my feet.

All of this really started at the beginning of the year when I separated myself from my toxic friends. That was a good move on my part and then I started investing more time in myself. Sure, I spent the last couple months really depressed and lonely, but I think I have found a goal now. I think I have found my ambition again. I couldn't remember it for a long time, but I think I can be ok now for real.