There has got to be something wrong with the world when your boss allows their own children to put their feet on tables and not follow office protocol, but then punishes their staff for trying to find things to do during an off season. Where is the justice in all of that? Sometimes, I feel like writing a book based on my work experience for all the people out there suffering from the same inevitable pain I feel each and every work day of the week. They should make a movie on how awesome my firm is, because that is exactly what it is: "awe-some."
Yeah, nothing you do at work ever seems to make the bosses happy. There are 3 sets of rules to follow depending on the boss you're working with, so there's absolutely no uniformity at all. People always berate or belittle you, so you feel like you're never good enough at anything you do. They tell you that you're the same as everyone, always thinking that the bosses are bad people -- in which, I never did up until this last month 'cause I got really sick of getting beaten up by them while beating myself up for never being able to live up to expectations and so now I've decided to embrace the norm and just call them bad people 'cause that's what they think anyway. Fine. I used to think they're great bosses, and the problem only lied with me, it was all my fault and all my problem, but now I'm asking myself, "What the hell are you doing!? If you don't try to stand up for yourself, or help yourself stand up after a beating again, who will do it for you? Definitely not your coworkers or your bosses, so it's time to just do what others do: hate their bosses." So I've decided to embrace that norm and just go with the "It's not my fault, if you can't get past your judgmental biases and hate me for not being as perfect as you are. Maybe you should just go and be a one-person show if you think we're all just waste of space on earth."
And for all of those out there wondering why I'm not quitting yet... Years of experience is needed for another job, and financial reasons. If I left now, I may not be able to find another job as quickly and I'm not sure I can afford leaving my job right now. A year ago, if I had left, I would have had enough to support myself for a good number of months, but now I might not make it past 2 months without a job so I'm also embracing what other people are doing as well: personal survival responsibility.
I never thought there would come a day when I would say this, but I seriously loathe and detest my job. I hate it when you try to be proactive and do more, they tell you that if it hasn't been approved yet, don't do it. Then when you go ask for work, and they don't give it to you so you have nothing to do, it's your fault. The cream of the crop is when the head boss changes their minds so many times that the project goes back & forth a billion times, and then it's your fault that it takes so long when they're the one changing their mind. Yeah, probably most bosses are like this, but people have told me differently too. I mean, why the hell do I have to endure this type of torment in order to earn a living? I guess, there's this saying "If it doesn't kill you, it'll only make you stronger..." ... then why the hell do I feel so much weaker and helpless? I'm on this earn-spend treadmill right now 'cause I'm so unhappy with my life. I make money and I spend it on things I don't need 'cause shopping, cleaning, organizing, and redoing my bedroom are the only things I find joy doing in my life anymore.
My friends tell me to quit for my sanity's sake 'cause cutting my wrists have been looking quite inviting lately -- not because I want to die, but cutting used to be a nice stress relief. (Um... to all those reading right now, don't go cutting yourself. It may have been a nice stress relief when you're younger, but it hurts like a bitch when you're older, no idea why but the pain threshold gets weaker with time. Paper cuts hurt more than they used to!). Anyway, I've been looking around for jobs. Every time I feel the going gets rough, I immediately scan around for an outlet, an escape from my torturous lifestyle, but I don't want to go back home with my tail tucked behind either so I keep trudging along. I don't want to be weak or disappoint my family for not living up to expectations, but maybe that's the problem. I'm always trying to please other people, what about making myself happy for a change?
I'm so tired of trying to make the bosses happy or living in fear because I can't find something to do since no one will relinquish anything and then go down your throat the first moment they see that you're not working on a project. I need a job where I can stay actively busy and actually enjoy doing it. Yeah, all jobs have their off-days, but when you feel like it's an off-day every single day of your work life, isn't that usually a problem? When you can't enjoy work, and you just want to call in sick every day... isn't that kind of problematic? I don't know about other people, but having to work at a place where people seem to enjoy taking out their frustration out on you, and saying how your level of competency is not good enough, and then behind your back that you're barely tolerable is not my idea of a happy work environment.
Still, I can't leave right now for a number of reasons and that's probably the part that makes me the saddest. If I knew there was another job waiting for me elsewhere right now, I'd take it with no hesitation, but I need to stay in this state for now until I finish taking all my exams to get my license -- if I ever get my license. I'm quitting this career in a year if I can't get my license 'cause then it just shows maybe they're all right, maybe I'm just not cut out for this. I certainly don't feel like I'm getting anywhere or doing any better. No one ever praises people at work, and everything said to you is basically a criticism -- though I guess we could take it as constructive feedback, but when that feedback comes out with a negative and stern tone.... can you really call that constructive or destructive?
Of course, the bosses are always in their "Oh yeah, everyone thinks the bosses are the bad guys, but we pay them money!" Oh, so writing my paycheck makes you so much better than the rest of us!? Just because you can, doesn't mean you can belittle and treat people like they're worthless and unbearable to see. We're all young and still learning, and I've really tried to be respectful, but if I'm going to be dismissed for another person's mistake or treated like I'm a nervous train wreck that's about to throw myself into the ocean 'cause I'm so fragile and all, I'm sorry but the time for respect is over. I'm not going to be rude, but I'm not going to bend over backwards either. They think they're bending over backwards for us, and maybe to an extent they are, but that doesn't mean we're not trying to please them either. If nothing we ever do is right, then what really is the point of trying? I'm so sick of being treated like I'm dirt or worse. I've never been treated like this in any other job I've worked at. I've always been a valuable team player, someone they really rely on to get the job done, and very efficient plus resourceful, but here, I'm nothing, I'm useless, and most of all, I'm intolerable. How can I be so awesome at 9 out of 10 of the other places, I've been at, but just so damn awful here? I don't understand.
I used to think there's something wrong with me, now I think there's just something wrong with them. I'm really sick and tired of beating myself up. I'm just going to continue trying my best at what I can do, but seriously, I'm over this. If they don't want to pay me for non-billable time 'cause they're not giving me work, then fine. I'm going to take more time off to study for this exam. If I'm not going to be able to get paid there, I might as well spend my unpaid time at home or at a coffee shop studying. We will BOTH benefit from this.
Seriously, F**K this. *fumes*
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