LoL. I think last year, I went through a phase where I hardly ever blogged, because I was starting a new job and going through a tough transition in my life. I had drinking problems, friends whom treated me badly, an obnoxious roommate, an evil office manager, and bosses who seemed to get angry at me often. Not to mention, my grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer and had another tumor towards the bottom of her spine. My mother was stressed often, so I couldn't tell her how I felt about work, and then I didn't even want to blog about it, because there was so little of anything good to tell. Telling people only made them worry about me, so I ended up holding a lot of it in. I stopped dating to concentrate on my career and to get my thoughts together. I got into fights with my supposed best friend on our moral standings concerning relationships, and then I just felt empty and alone.
Last year was so difficult for me emotionally that there were so many times that I just wanted to quit and run back home. That's the type of person I am, a coward. When going gets rough, I want to run away. That's why when I moved away from my middle school friends, I was so relieved and happy. I went through a stage of depression when I was 13-14, and when I left that small town full of people whom I could not stand anymore, I was just so happy because I was away from the conflict and could start all new again. Then the same thing happened when I was 17-18, and when I left for college, things looked up again after going through my worst phase of depression, but this is different now. I am an adult in the working world and just because things at work get rough, or because your coworkers suck, doesn't mean you can quit and run away. In the adult world, we all have responsibilities and certain obligations to fulfill. We can't be children anymore and I had to learn this for the first time last year.
I wanted to quit many times last year. I just wanted to run away, but I didn't. When my roommate was harrassing me, I didn't move out, I fought back. I have to kick her ass when she gets back home this time around too. I've decided that I can't be that coward anymore and I need to learn how to stand up and fight. I need to protect myself, because I have no one around me to protect me anymore. I am all on my own and though it is tough, I need to grow up and learn how to help myself and not hope for someone to come rescue me. So that is why this year, I have resolved to change who I have been up to now. My past is something I will think of from time to time to find reference in dealing with various different situations that occur from now on, but I am going to keep looking forward. I need to keep moving forward and be someone who not only has pride, but can protect and keep that pride. I am going to change myself gradually from the weak and frightened person I was, to someone who puts up a stronger front even if I come across something that scares me.
This year, I plan on blogging more if time and my mood allows for it. I think I need to collect more good memories -- and some bad ones too -- to let me see my growth and development. Compared to last year, I feel that I have come a long already. Though I still have a while to go, I think I am happy with just a small bit of progress since last year. Just have to keep moving forward.
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