I finally started watching "Mei-chan no Shitsuji" and it's alright. I think it's a Fuji TV production so it's your typical shoujo manga drama. For some reason, every time I see the antagonists in a drama, I start sympathizing with them rather than hate them. It takes a lot to get me to dislike an antagonist, I always seem to see things from their point of view, maybe because I feel at times I'm similar to them. Like we're of the same scent.
For instance, when I was watching Palace Scheme aka Beyond the Realm of Conscience, I could not help, but see things from Kam-Ling's point of view even though she is a villain. Part of me, I guess the part that always feels victimized due to circumstance and the way people treat me, makes me almost see a reflection in those characters, because in a way they were pushed to that extreme. Though I don't want to hurt people like they do, I kind of understand where they're coming from. Feelings like "I want to rise to the top so no one can bully me anymore" or "If you hurt me, I'll hurt you 10-fold," are kind of similar to those antagonists. Kind of scary if you think about it. Recently, I haven't been the most forgiving person and I tend to remember things that make me unhappy. I try to tell myself to let go, to give in to others, and that my getting angry so easily is because I'm too sensitive to things, but shouldn't there be a threshold for how much one should take before it's enough?
Lately, I've been getting this feeling that if my life were like that of a drama or a story, I would be the antagonist. There are characters which the audience likes: the ones who are bullied, but then stand up for themselves; and then there are the ones the audiences don't particularly like: the ones who are bullied, but then while standing up for themselves intently hurt others in the process to show that they should not be messed with. I feel like the lather lately even if I don't act out upon my thoughts, which then makes me scared of my own mind.
If we can act upon all we think about, I should probably be in prison already. My mind is my most dangerous weapon at times I think. I hurt the people who hurt me within my mind over and over again, because I cannot act upon it in real life. I feel such anger and loathing towards them, that I seem to kill them repeatedly within my brain, doing all the possible things which can hurt them. But in real life, I can't do it at all, I haven't the heart ... or perhaps the stomach to do it. I cannot figure out which it is. I haven't felt much like a good person at all. I feel guilty even wishing pain upon those who have hurt me, so I am conflicted. I feel like an antagonist mentally.
In a drama, I would be like Kam-Ling. I will snap and go insane in the end, because of all the abuse I take and then my inability to forgive will drive me to the edge. People say, "Learn to forgive and forget." I may be forgetful towards the things they do to me, but I don't forget the feelings they made me feel, but over time, I do forget things, but I really shouldn't forget some things, because then I will only be on the end that's repeatedly giving in to others. I am always giving in to others. I don't want to give in anymore, I don't want to be called up at 11PM at night so I can play FarmVille for someone just because they're out drinking or driving long-stance anymore (It's a @#$%ing game!). When I call, I ask for important things like directions to my interview place, or an address for a friend, but I don't make people do ridiculous things. I also put a lot of thought into what gifts to give to people, not just pick something up and when someone asks me what it is, say that I don't know.
Yeah, that's right. When my friend came back from Taiwan, she got me a green pig-like keychain and a sticker and when I asked her if the cute keychain was a pig, she bluntly fired back, "I don't know!" like I owed her or something. Yeah, very thoughtful and kind. While I was happy she got me something, should I be happy that that was the attitude in which she picked something out for me? If it was such a bother for her to buy me something, then she shouldn't have done so in the first place, why does it have to sound like I was in the wrong or something? I couldn't really tell what it is, so that's why I asked, why did she have to snap back like that and what's up with the "I don't know!!!" If you didn't know, why did you get it!? If someone tried to sell you cocaine or something and you didn't know what it was, would you buy it?
I am ALWAYS forgiving her poor mannerisms, behavior, attitude, and lack of respect towards others. I am ALWAYS forgiving her for her manipulative tendencies and ignorance, but she is continually mean to me. I keep telling myself that I've had it, but then why do I continue staying close to her? Sooner or later, I'll become exactly like Kam-Ling. I always feel like I'm trying to think of ways that I can hurt her, just to show her how much it hurts when she does certain things to me like tell me Cantonese is not Chinese, or that I'm not Chinese, or how I should live my life or something. I'm tired of being denied who I am, and that I have to change because she thinks I need to.
Well, I think she needs to change to! You don't see me saying a thing about it! Yes, I have flaws. I have PLENTY of flaws, big obnoxious ones that even I can see and no matter what I do, I still have them, but at least I try to make myself presentable. I try to keep others around me happy, because I don't deal well with conflict, and yeah, I admit that I'm selfish to a degree, but I don't go out of my way to get what I want while stepping on other people to get there. I don't call up people to go play a game for me because I am out drinking, I don't have such a bad memory that I have to ask others the same thing a billion times, I always try to do things with care, but she just doesn't get me.
We have such a toxic relationship, and I am going crazy. I am turning into one of those antagonists in the stories, the ones who will do something bad because they feel pushed to those circumstances. The audience will never take my side. They like people like that "friend" of mine, the one who uses me because they're always out having fun. People like girls like her, while girls like me sit in the shadows, cry or sulk. I am not as pretty as her and I can't act like her, so they always prefer her to me, but I am hard-working, I don't go out of my way to hurt people -- though I do think about it often, and I am a proper human being, but it's like someone like me doesn't fit in this world anymore. It's like almost 90% of the world is the same, and people like me just are outdated. People like me turn into villains within stories, that or they are weak and commit suicide. Lately, I've been thinking about it a lot, that maybe in my life story, I am not the heroine, but actually a villain? With all I've gone though, and how my mind is unable to forgive like those main characters, maybe in the end, I'll be just like those villains who go insane because they can never be happy.
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