I don't know why, but recently whenever I see kids, I feel like I want one. Even though I know all the implications that come with having a child, I can't help but really want one as of late. Like that feeling of being needed by someone smaller and more fragile than you, who loves you (and later hates you of course lol), but I really want a kid. Not sure why though.
I'm sure in a couple days, this spell cast over me will be lifted and I'm going to go back being my usual child-hating self lol. Kids are obnoxious and noisy. They cost a lot of money, suck up a lot of your time and energy, needs a ton of attention and if you don't raise them right, they can end up totally ruining society. They're a lot of responsibility and even though you love each other, there will come a time when you'll want to keep them under control at all times even though they want to break free and mature as quickly as they can, and thus the normal dissonance suffered between parent & child, and years upon years of struggle, disappointment, and angry feelings. If you try to push all your expectations on them, it may lift or crush them. If you don't have any expectations of them, they might stray off towards the wrong path. You might want them to do the things they love, but in the end, you may end up being just as controlling as your parents were and try to get them to pursue conservative yet secure careers and not attempt anything else that seems even the slightest bit risky. You may totally suppress any talent they could have had by telling them that they're not good enough to try it. They may be maligned with sicknesses all throughout their lives and it will take an emotional and physical strain on both of you trying to keep each other alive and not regretting anything about why things came to be the way they came to be. Kids may be ungrateful, or extremely grateful but too awkward to express it. You may miss what they're trying to say, because you're trying so hard to support the family. Everything gets really exhausting.
In any case, wanting to have children is kind of a self-sabotaging, yet possibly self-fulfilling chapter in one's life. Perhaps, I'm just lonely right now and so I really want someone to really need me. If I can't find a significant other, then a child would be good. I'm so strange to be thinking of such things right now.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Back at the Bookstore
So I've move on past the last test section and now studying for the next one. I really have no idea whether or not I'll pass, but I have to do whatever I need to do in order to be able to really live without any regrets. And though I don't want to go to work tomorrow, it'll be a start to ending all my problems with this line of work. I'm going to believe that things are going to get better. Rather than just try to believe, I want to actually believe. The workplace may stay the same and my boss may continue throwing the same comments at me, but I want to become someone who can handle all of that. I don't want to let my temper get the better of me, but I don't want to shirk back and let people take advantage of me.
I had this really interesting conversation with my mother last night about how Asians tend to not stand up for other people, don't meddle in other people's businesses, avoids conflict like the plague, humble to a fault, and just deal with things silently rather than speak up about it. In America, we can't be like this. What may have worked over on the east side, can't work over on the west side. My life has been really hard my entire life 'cause I've been taught to be traditional, to not say anything, to just bear with it until my chance came, while I should have been fighting it out with people when I've been wronged, grabbing chances when they come, speak up to sell myself instead of shrinking into nothing. So, I've decided that I need to work hard at changing myself. My lack of confidence may have been spawned from being told that I can't be good enough at a lot of things, and I should stay conservative, and so now we have this product of self-destruction.
So some steps for me to take:
1. Save humility for family and friends, if the boss praises you, say "Thank you, I worked really hard on this and I'm proud of it."
2. Tell my coworker that I don't like it when she raises her voice at me just because I happened to be there and she got mad at someone else's mistake and is now taking it out on me, the next time she takes out her frustration on me.
3. Tell off the bosses' son the next time he throws things at the admin people. It's inappropriate. I don't care if he's the son of the president of the United States, you don't throw things at people, period.
4. Take more breaks, one every 90 minutes.
5. Get rid of weasel words from my vocabulary. No more "I'll try my best," it should be "I'll do my best."
6. Change my posture. Hands on top of the desk, not underneath when at a meeting.
7. Smile even when I feel like killing someone.
8. Speak and articulate better -- no idea when this got so bad.
9. Don't be scared. Life's too short to be living in fear all the time. If he hates you, he hates you. No need to be liked all the time. Dissonance and discord is what life is all about, and the element that makes people stronger. Harmony only weakens you even though it's really nice.
So that's for a start. I might only be able to accomplish one out of the nine, but one is better than none. Going to give it my best. Beat this system of repression and get out of here.
I had this really interesting conversation with my mother last night about how Asians tend to not stand up for other people, don't meddle in other people's businesses, avoids conflict like the plague, humble to a fault, and just deal with things silently rather than speak up about it. In America, we can't be like this. What may have worked over on the east side, can't work over on the west side. My life has been really hard my entire life 'cause I've been taught to be traditional, to not say anything, to just bear with it until my chance came, while I should have been fighting it out with people when I've been wronged, grabbing chances when they come, speak up to sell myself instead of shrinking into nothing. So, I've decided that I need to work hard at changing myself. My lack of confidence may have been spawned from being told that I can't be good enough at a lot of things, and I should stay conservative, and so now we have this product of self-destruction.
So some steps for me to take:
1. Save humility for family and friends, if the boss praises you, say "Thank you, I worked really hard on this and I'm proud of it."
2. Tell my coworker that I don't like it when she raises her voice at me just because I happened to be there and she got mad at someone else's mistake and is now taking it out on me, the next time she takes out her frustration on me.
3. Tell off the bosses' son the next time he throws things at the admin people. It's inappropriate. I don't care if he's the son of the president of the United States, you don't throw things at people, period.
4. Take more breaks, one every 90 minutes.
5. Get rid of weasel words from my vocabulary. No more "I'll try my best," it should be "I'll do my best."
6. Change my posture. Hands on top of the desk, not underneath when at a meeting.
7. Smile even when I feel like killing someone.
8. Speak and articulate better -- no idea when this got so bad.
9. Don't be scared. Life's too short to be living in fear all the time. If he hates you, he hates you. No need to be liked all the time. Dissonance and discord is what life is all about, and the element that makes people stronger. Harmony only weakens you even though it's really nice.
So that's for a start. I might only be able to accomplish one out of the nine, but one is better than none. Going to give it my best. Beat this system of repression and get out of here.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Ugh... One Big Chapter Left
The one chapter that I needed to really dig into today, I haven't gotten around to it until just now and the person before me scribbled "32-38%" on the top of the chapter page =_=;;;; Thanks for the warning, but I feel like hyperventilating. J/k
Think I'm going to go home and hopefully not get sidetracked 'cause I really need to tackle this section in order to do well on the exam. *sigh* I might need to give up the last chapter, but we'll see. Tomorrow is questions and note review day. No book tomorrow, I've decided. I so hate tests. I get cranky and upset. Well, best get to it. My tummy doesn't feel all that great after lunch so I kinda want to go home now, but I'd rather stay here to study. Oh well. The lack of internet at home might serve me some good =_= .... might.
*sigh*
Think I'm going to go home and hopefully not get sidetracked 'cause I really need to tackle this section in order to do well on the exam. *sigh* I might need to give up the last chapter, but we'll see. Tomorrow is questions and note review day. No book tomorrow, I've decided. I so hate tests. I get cranky and upset. Well, best get to it. My tummy doesn't feel all that great after lunch so I kinda want to go home now, but I'd rather stay here to study. Oh well. The lack of internet at home might serve me some good =_= .... might.
*sigh*
Official Study Day
I really should be studying rather than blogging, but I figure why not just use the internet for now before I can't again. I'm pretty sure there will be internet again later tonight, but even if there isn't, I really shouldn't be distracted so often. I've got my test in two days and not a whole lot of time left to cover three chapters of material. I've actually already skimmed the entire book and am now kind of going back and making notes, but still... I rather be reading notes tomorrow and doing some practice questions than stuffing answers in my brain. On the good side, my photographic memory seems to be working a little better these days. I feel like I've got a couple pages burned into my mind lol. I only know what I know though and tests have a certain way of testing you on things that you didn't study for lol. Well, I'm hoping it'll be different. Please just test me on the things I know lol. I feel that I'm getting things better when I'm relaxed though 'cause I'm just absorbing the info and not resisting/rejecting, nor trying to get it all at once. That's how learning should be, natural not forced. We do things better when we're not forced to do it.
My friend asked me if I wanted to do lunch today and I had to turn her invitation down 'cause I need to be serious about what I'm doing and not wasting time (like I am right now lol). In any case, I'm learning how to be more serious about getting myself better rather than worse. This past year and half, I never quite learned how to make myself a better worker. I had fallen into this trap thinking that what I did well elsewhere would apply to the position I'm in now, but that's really not the case. I had to play by a totally new set of rules, but didn't quite understand it till the books pointed it out to me. Well, first step of getting myself better is to be able to say no more often and separate work from play. Now is not the time to play, now is the time to focus and get some things sorted out and done right in my life. I'll play after the test is done ^_^
My friend asked me if I wanted to do lunch today and I had to turn her invitation down 'cause I need to be serious about what I'm doing and not wasting time (like I am right now lol). In any case, I'm learning how to be more serious about getting myself better rather than worse. This past year and half, I never quite learned how to make myself a better worker. I had fallen into this trap thinking that what I did well elsewhere would apply to the position I'm in now, but that's really not the case. I had to play by a totally new set of rules, but didn't quite understand it till the books pointed it out to me. Well, first step of getting myself better is to be able to say no more often and separate work from play. Now is not the time to play, now is the time to focus and get some things sorted out and done right in my life. I'll play after the test is done ^_^
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Books, Books, and More Books
I feel like I'm possessed. I keep swinging by the business and career section of the bookstore and buying whatever appeals to me off the shelves. Ever since the dismissal, the further pay-cut and such, I've been a mass of mixed emotions. Originally, I took this week off to study. Now, it's a combination of studying, soul-searching, self-reevaluating, lots of reading, and job hunting.
After two days of looking at other jobs, I stopped going over all the hiring ads and decided it would be best to stay with my current job. With my current attitude and mentality at work, I'd only bring it with me to a new place so until I can fix the broken pieces within myself and become stronger, I shouldn't go anywhere else. So then I set on a quest to fix myself and figure out how to be a better employee, but most of all, a more confident and less fearful person.
No one can fix you. Only you can fix yourself. I've always known this, but no idea how to go about it. I guess the best way to educate oneself is to read, read, and read some more. Not go get advice from other people, but to really read books, gain some knowledge, do some thinking. I bought the following books in the last three days:
01. "The 12 BAD Habits That Hold GOOD People Back" by James Waldroop and Timothy Butler
02. "Surviving the Toxic Workplace" by Linnda Durre
03. "Powered by Happy: How to Get and Stay Happy at Work" by Beth Thomas
04. "101 Ways to Stand Out at Work" by Arthur D. Rosenburg
05. "The 250 Job Interview Questions You'll Most Likely Be Asked..." by Peter Veruki
06. "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert
07. "No Time For Tact: 365 Days of the Wit, Words, and Wisdom of Larry Winget" by Larry Winget
08. "Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office" by Lois P. Frankel
09. "10 Make or Break Career Moments" by Casey Hawley
10. "Life's a Bitch and then You Change Careers" by Andrea Kay
11. "10 Career Essentials: Excel at Your Career by Using Your Personality Type" by Donna Dunning
12. "Swiss Ball for Core Strength" by Declan Condron
#6 and #12 are more like for entertainment and physical health, but the rest is on my mental and emotional well-being concerning work and life. First, I need to figure out all the things wrong with me and then go about fixing it, and then decide whether or not my current career path is the right thing for me. A lot of times, our resentment of work goes hand in hand with our own behaviors that affect what we do and how we perform, which in turn leads a flood of criticism followed by further lack of motivation & productivity and eventual firing.
I have to say that book #1 and #7 are the best things I've read for a while. I've just started the #9 and I like that one too. Very informative.
In any case, I'm on the path of career enlightenment and I have a lot of books to prove it lol. I need to stop buying so much though... but these books are really interesting. I wish I grew up with these types of books in the house. They have a wealth of useful information contrary to what I used to think. Can't wait to start some of the other ones.
After two days of looking at other jobs, I stopped going over all the hiring ads and decided it would be best to stay with my current job. With my current attitude and mentality at work, I'd only bring it with me to a new place so until I can fix the broken pieces within myself and become stronger, I shouldn't go anywhere else. So then I set on a quest to fix myself and figure out how to be a better employee, but most of all, a more confident and less fearful person.
No one can fix you. Only you can fix yourself. I've always known this, but no idea how to go about it. I guess the best way to educate oneself is to read, read, and read some more. Not go get advice from other people, but to really read books, gain some knowledge, do some thinking. I bought the following books in the last three days:
01. "The 12 BAD Habits That Hold GOOD People Back" by James Waldroop and Timothy Butler
02. "Surviving the Toxic Workplace" by Linnda Durre
03. "Powered by Happy: How to Get and Stay Happy at Work" by Beth Thomas
04. "101 Ways to Stand Out at Work" by Arthur D. Rosenburg
05. "The 250 Job Interview Questions You'll Most Likely Be Asked..." by Peter Veruki
06. "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert
07. "No Time For Tact: 365 Days of the Wit, Words, and Wisdom of Larry Winget" by Larry Winget
08. "Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office" by Lois P. Frankel
09. "10 Make or Break Career Moments" by Casey Hawley
10. "Life's a Bitch and then You Change Careers" by Andrea Kay
11. "10 Career Essentials: Excel at Your Career by Using Your Personality Type" by Donna Dunning
12. "Swiss Ball for Core Strength" by Declan Condron
#6 and #12 are more like for entertainment and physical health, but the rest is on my mental and emotional well-being concerning work and life. First, I need to figure out all the things wrong with me and then go about fixing it, and then decide whether or not my current career path is the right thing for me. A lot of times, our resentment of work goes hand in hand with our own behaviors that affect what we do and how we perform, which in turn leads a flood of criticism followed by further lack of motivation & productivity and eventual firing.
I have to say that book #1 and #7 are the best things I've read for a while. I've just started the #9 and I like that one too. Very informative.
In any case, I'm on the path of career enlightenment and I have a lot of books to prove it lol. I need to stop buying so much though... but these books are really interesting. I wish I grew up with these types of books in the house. They have a wealth of useful information contrary to what I used to think. Can't wait to start some of the other ones.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Decisions & Goals
After a long 2-3 hour phone call with my parents, they told me to quit my job. They're really worried that I might go crazy, but I'm not going to quit because I have some personal goals to achieve. Money is no longer something I'm worrying about, but my self confidence and ability to handle rough situations like these. I have this feeling that if I run away now, I will never be able to overcome my fears and insecurities with working in general. If I can overcome this, I can overcome anything. So, despite the loving and supportive, "Please quit your job and come home, we're really worried about you," I'm going to stay at least for a limited duration of time until I feel ready to leave. It's really nice to hear my parents say that it's ok not to get that license and not to continue with this job, especially if the bosses treat their staff so badly. I just need to figure out how to make myself stronger and be able to withstand something like this so that in the future, even if something like this happens again, I'll be able to handle it. All these tears I've cried, and all this torment I've experienced will make me stronger, at least I hope it will. I've set a calendar date for when I'll walk, so now I'm just counting down the days. I'm going to survive this, and then I'll go home. I can do this, I've already made it this far, I should be able to continue doing this until my time is up. *deep breath* Yeah, I'll survive this.
Something Wrong With the World
There has got to be something wrong with the world when your boss allows their own children to put their feet on tables and not follow office protocol, but then punishes their staff for trying to find things to do during an off season. Where is the justice in all of that? Sometimes, I feel like writing a book based on my work experience for all the people out there suffering from the same inevitable pain I feel each and every work day of the week. They should make a movie on how awesome my firm is, because that is exactly what it is: "awe-some."
Yeah, nothing you do at work ever seems to make the bosses happy. There are 3 sets of rules to follow depending on the boss you're working with, so there's absolutely no uniformity at all. People always berate or belittle you, so you feel like you're never good enough at anything you do. They tell you that you're the same as everyone, always thinking that the bosses are bad people -- in which, I never did up until this last month 'cause I got really sick of getting beaten up by them while beating myself up for never being able to live up to expectations and so now I've decided to embrace the norm and just call them bad people 'cause that's what they think anyway. Fine. I used to think they're great bosses, and the problem only lied with me, it was all my fault and all my problem, but now I'm asking myself, "What the hell are you doing!? If you don't try to stand up for yourself, or help yourself stand up after a beating again, who will do it for you? Definitely not your coworkers or your bosses, so it's time to just do what others do: hate their bosses." So I've decided to embrace that norm and just go with the "It's not my fault, if you can't get past your judgmental biases and hate me for not being as perfect as you are. Maybe you should just go and be a one-person show if you think we're all just waste of space on earth."
And for all of those out there wondering why I'm not quitting yet... Years of experience is needed for another job, and financial reasons. If I left now, I may not be able to find another job as quickly and I'm not sure I can afford leaving my job right now. A year ago, if I had left, I would have had enough to support myself for a good number of months, but now I might not make it past 2 months without a job so I'm also embracing what other people are doing as well: personal survival responsibility.
I never thought there would come a day when I would say this, but I seriously loathe and detest my job. I hate it when you try to be proactive and do more, they tell you that if it hasn't been approved yet, don't do it. Then when you go ask for work, and they don't give it to you so you have nothing to do, it's your fault. The cream of the crop is when the head boss changes their minds so many times that the project goes back & forth a billion times, and then it's your fault that it takes so long when they're the one changing their mind. Yeah, probably most bosses are like this, but people have told me differently too. I mean, why the hell do I have to endure this type of torment in order to earn a living? I guess, there's this saying "If it doesn't kill you, it'll only make you stronger..." ... then why the hell do I feel so much weaker and helpless? I'm on this earn-spend treadmill right now 'cause I'm so unhappy with my life. I make money and I spend it on things I don't need 'cause shopping, cleaning, organizing, and redoing my bedroom are the only things I find joy doing in my life anymore.
My friends tell me to quit for my sanity's sake 'cause cutting my wrists have been looking quite inviting lately -- not because I want to die, but cutting used to be a nice stress relief. (Um... to all those reading right now, don't go cutting yourself. It may have been a nice stress relief when you're younger, but it hurts like a bitch when you're older, no idea why but the pain threshold gets weaker with time. Paper cuts hurt more than they used to!). Anyway, I've been looking around for jobs. Every time I feel the going gets rough, I immediately scan around for an outlet, an escape from my torturous lifestyle, but I don't want to go back home with my tail tucked behind either so I keep trudging along. I don't want to be weak or disappoint my family for not living up to expectations, but maybe that's the problem. I'm always trying to please other people, what about making myself happy for a change?
I'm so tired of trying to make the bosses happy or living in fear because I can't find something to do since no one will relinquish anything and then go down your throat the first moment they see that you're not working on a project. I need a job where I can stay actively busy and actually enjoy doing it. Yeah, all jobs have their off-days, but when you feel like it's an off-day every single day of your work life, isn't that usually a problem? When you can't enjoy work, and you just want to call in sick every day... isn't that kind of problematic? I don't know about other people, but having to work at a place where people seem to enjoy taking out their frustration out on you, and saying how your level of competency is not good enough, and then behind your back that you're barely tolerable is not my idea of a happy work environment.
Still, I can't leave right now for a number of reasons and that's probably the part that makes me the saddest. If I knew there was another job waiting for me elsewhere right now, I'd take it with no hesitation, but I need to stay in this state for now until I finish taking all my exams to get my license -- if I ever get my license. I'm quitting this career in a year if I can't get my license 'cause then it just shows maybe they're all right, maybe I'm just not cut out for this. I certainly don't feel like I'm getting anywhere or doing any better. No one ever praises people at work, and everything said to you is basically a criticism -- though I guess we could take it as constructive feedback, but when that feedback comes out with a negative and stern tone.... can you really call that constructive or destructive?
Of course, the bosses are always in their "Oh yeah, everyone thinks the bosses are the bad guys, but we pay them money!" Oh, so writing my paycheck makes you so much better than the rest of us!? Just because you can, doesn't mean you can belittle and treat people like they're worthless and unbearable to see. We're all young and still learning, and I've really tried to be respectful, but if I'm going to be dismissed for another person's mistake or treated like I'm a nervous train wreck that's about to throw myself into the ocean 'cause I'm so fragile and all, I'm sorry but the time for respect is over. I'm not going to be rude, but I'm not going to bend over backwards either. They think they're bending over backwards for us, and maybe to an extent they are, but that doesn't mean we're not trying to please them either. If nothing we ever do is right, then what really is the point of trying? I'm so sick of being treated like I'm dirt or worse. I've never been treated like this in any other job I've worked at. I've always been a valuable team player, someone they really rely on to get the job done, and very efficient plus resourceful, but here, I'm nothing, I'm useless, and most of all, I'm intolerable. How can I be so awesome at 9 out of 10 of the other places, I've been at, but just so damn awful here? I don't understand.
I used to think there's something wrong with me, now I think there's just something wrong with them. I'm really sick and tired of beating myself up. I'm just going to continue trying my best at what I can do, but seriously, I'm over this. If they don't want to pay me for non-billable time 'cause they're not giving me work, then fine. I'm going to take more time off to study for this exam. If I'm not going to be able to get paid there, I might as well spend my unpaid time at home or at a coffee shop studying. We will BOTH benefit from this.
Seriously, F**K this. *fumes*
Yeah, nothing you do at work ever seems to make the bosses happy. There are 3 sets of rules to follow depending on the boss you're working with, so there's absolutely no uniformity at all. People always berate or belittle you, so you feel like you're never good enough at anything you do. They tell you that you're the same as everyone, always thinking that the bosses are bad people -- in which, I never did up until this last month 'cause I got really sick of getting beaten up by them while beating myself up for never being able to live up to expectations and so now I've decided to embrace the norm and just call them bad people 'cause that's what they think anyway. Fine. I used to think they're great bosses, and the problem only lied with me, it was all my fault and all my problem, but now I'm asking myself, "What the hell are you doing!? If you don't try to stand up for yourself, or help yourself stand up after a beating again, who will do it for you? Definitely not your coworkers or your bosses, so it's time to just do what others do: hate their bosses." So I've decided to embrace that norm and just go with the "It's not my fault, if you can't get past your judgmental biases and hate me for not being as perfect as you are. Maybe you should just go and be a one-person show if you think we're all just waste of space on earth."
And for all of those out there wondering why I'm not quitting yet... Years of experience is needed for another job, and financial reasons. If I left now, I may not be able to find another job as quickly and I'm not sure I can afford leaving my job right now. A year ago, if I had left, I would have had enough to support myself for a good number of months, but now I might not make it past 2 months without a job so I'm also embracing what other people are doing as well: personal survival responsibility.
I never thought there would come a day when I would say this, but I seriously loathe and detest my job. I hate it when you try to be proactive and do more, they tell you that if it hasn't been approved yet, don't do it. Then when you go ask for work, and they don't give it to you so you have nothing to do, it's your fault. The cream of the crop is when the head boss changes their minds so many times that the project goes back & forth a billion times, and then it's your fault that it takes so long when they're the one changing their mind. Yeah, probably most bosses are like this, but people have told me differently too. I mean, why the hell do I have to endure this type of torment in order to earn a living? I guess, there's this saying "If it doesn't kill you, it'll only make you stronger..." ... then why the hell do I feel so much weaker and helpless? I'm on this earn-spend treadmill right now 'cause I'm so unhappy with my life. I make money and I spend it on things I don't need 'cause shopping, cleaning, organizing, and redoing my bedroom are the only things I find joy doing in my life anymore.
My friends tell me to quit for my sanity's sake 'cause cutting my wrists have been looking quite inviting lately -- not because I want to die, but cutting used to be a nice stress relief. (Um... to all those reading right now, don't go cutting yourself. It may have been a nice stress relief when you're younger, but it hurts like a bitch when you're older, no idea why but the pain threshold gets weaker with time. Paper cuts hurt more than they used to!). Anyway, I've been looking around for jobs. Every time I feel the going gets rough, I immediately scan around for an outlet, an escape from my torturous lifestyle, but I don't want to go back home with my tail tucked behind either so I keep trudging along. I don't want to be weak or disappoint my family for not living up to expectations, but maybe that's the problem. I'm always trying to please other people, what about making myself happy for a change?
I'm so tired of trying to make the bosses happy or living in fear because I can't find something to do since no one will relinquish anything and then go down your throat the first moment they see that you're not working on a project. I need a job where I can stay actively busy and actually enjoy doing it. Yeah, all jobs have their off-days, but when you feel like it's an off-day every single day of your work life, isn't that usually a problem? When you can't enjoy work, and you just want to call in sick every day... isn't that kind of problematic? I don't know about other people, but having to work at a place where people seem to enjoy taking out their frustration out on you, and saying how your level of competency is not good enough, and then behind your back that you're barely tolerable is not my idea of a happy work environment.
Still, I can't leave right now for a number of reasons and that's probably the part that makes me the saddest. If I knew there was another job waiting for me elsewhere right now, I'd take it with no hesitation, but I need to stay in this state for now until I finish taking all my exams to get my license -- if I ever get my license. I'm quitting this career in a year if I can't get my license 'cause then it just shows maybe they're all right, maybe I'm just not cut out for this. I certainly don't feel like I'm getting anywhere or doing any better. No one ever praises people at work, and everything said to you is basically a criticism -- though I guess we could take it as constructive feedback, but when that feedback comes out with a negative and stern tone.... can you really call that constructive or destructive?
Of course, the bosses are always in their "Oh yeah, everyone thinks the bosses are the bad guys, but we pay them money!" Oh, so writing my paycheck makes you so much better than the rest of us!? Just because you can, doesn't mean you can belittle and treat people like they're worthless and unbearable to see. We're all young and still learning, and I've really tried to be respectful, but if I'm going to be dismissed for another person's mistake or treated like I'm a nervous train wreck that's about to throw myself into the ocean 'cause I'm so fragile and all, I'm sorry but the time for respect is over. I'm not going to be rude, but I'm not going to bend over backwards either. They think they're bending over backwards for us, and maybe to an extent they are, but that doesn't mean we're not trying to please them either. If nothing we ever do is right, then what really is the point of trying? I'm so sick of being treated like I'm dirt or worse. I've never been treated like this in any other job I've worked at. I've always been a valuable team player, someone they really rely on to get the job done, and very efficient plus resourceful, but here, I'm nothing, I'm useless, and most of all, I'm intolerable. How can I be so awesome at 9 out of 10 of the other places, I've been at, but just so damn awful here? I don't understand.
I used to think there's something wrong with me, now I think there's just something wrong with them. I'm really sick and tired of beating myself up. I'm just going to continue trying my best at what I can do, but seriously, I'm over this. If they don't want to pay me for non-billable time 'cause they're not giving me work, then fine. I'm going to take more time off to study for this exam. If I'm not going to be able to get paid there, I might as well spend my unpaid time at home or at a coffee shop studying. We will BOTH benefit from this.
Seriously, F**K this. *fumes*
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)