Aiming For a Dream, Going About It The Wrong Way?

Since I was little, I've had lots of dreams, which I guess is very normal. Kids love to dream after all. Still now, I would rather be hanging out up in my head than walking about on my feet. I'm not a complete idealist, but I do still have some hopes and dreams that I would to see happen before I am thirty, but the realistic and more practical side of me says that nothing exciting will happen to me until I'm thirty. A reality check or confidence downer?

Anyway, I've come a long way in my dreams. I started out wanting to be an artist to an actress to a doctor to a pharmacist, but deep down, I really want to be a writer or a mangaka. I've loved theatre for a long time so I always love to act, but my mother once told me that I neither have looks, style, nor charisma so I should give up on it. I wanted to be a professional pianist at one point in my life as well and my mother said that unless I had the actual talent, the road will be difficult and there is no future in pursuing music. Of course, I then retorted "Well, why in hell did you ever have me learn how to play the piano?"

But well... I somehow knew that I was never going to be as good as the pros, so I just gave up on that dream as well. I also lost interest in music when my band teacher decided to be a dragon during her lovely pregnancy.

Ah, I've always loved stories. Whether it's telling them, writing them, or even thinking them up in my head so I just want to be a writer. Of course, my mother then said that unless I could be as good as JK Rowling, I'll never be able to put food on the table. A very realistic way of looking at it, but why am I always getting the fish hook in the leg and pulled back down to miserable earth? I still write now, but more as a hobby than something of pursuit.

And then there's my dream of becoming a mangaka, but you know... I really don't have much experience, skill or talent in this area. I just love drawing, but I don't have time to perfect my art style nor do I find it practical to focus only on being an artist. Jobs don't come easily for people who work in this industry. *sigh* My artwork has gone downhill since I've stopped drawing and I can only feel peeved everytime I draw something and it turns out badily. So... I'm halfway to giving up on this dream. I don't think it's going to happen anytime soon anyway.

I also really wanted to be a voice actor at one point in my life. While watching dubbed versions of anime, etc., I just get so annoyed, so that's why I've always wanted to do this, but... of course... I can't imagine voice actors making a whole lot so I gave up on this impulsive dream quite quickly.

And then... there were more "practical" dreams like aiming to be a pharmacist or CPA, but you know... I don't want to be either. It's true that I went to school and got an accounting degree, but I really have no desire to sit 16 hours for an exam that I feel bound to fail. I have no confidence in attaining the license and I'm really stressed about starting to study for it. To tell the truth... I don't like things that I am not familiar with. I've never had much experience in accounting before and just because my mother said that accounting is a good field, I just kind of forced myself to go through with it. I know that my mother's been guiding me along all my life, making sure that I won't stray off the path towards temptation and such, but I kind of wonder what is it exactly that I want in life?

All the passion I feel towards something right now is pretty much forced. Thoughts like "I love my job" or "I love the major I picked" are just things I keep repeating to myself like a Buddhist sutra, because the more I say it, the more I tend to believe it. In reality, I would rather not like my job or have anything to do with it. But then... I think, if I don't have this, then what would I have left?

I guess, my biggest motivation in life is money. Bottom line is that I love money. Without money, I cannot survive so I want to be able to make enough to live a life without having to worry about this month's expenses being tight or not being able to do the things I want. I may sound greedy, but really... can you survive without money?

My childhood was not exactly great in terms of social-class or wealth so I was taught not to expect much unless we saved enough money for the things we want. I guess because of my family background growing up, I've become a bit obsessed with earning and saving. So... even though I have a lot of dreams I want to become real, I would never really pursue it because it does not produce a big enough paycheck (or maybe even one at all).

I want a comfortable life, something different from my childhood and I don't want my kids to have the same concerns and worries that I had growing up. Not that I want them to be frivolous with money, but I do take pleasure in the thought of being able to buy something that they want without having to make any sacrifices and such. I want my kids to be able to aim for something that they truly want to do and not have to worry about taking care of their parents someday. I will still guide my children the way my mother guided me, but I do not want to put them down the way mine has due to the issue of money. I have to say right now that my number one love in life is money, and I hope my children do not become like me.

I don't want them to pick an occupation because they feel as though they need to make a lot to support me someday. I do not want them to pick an occupation that makes a lot of money just so I can retire as quickly as possible, maybe let me do the surgery that I need, etc. I do not want my children to think the thoughts that I have and pursue the things that they want, because I could not do what I want to do. So for that purpose, I have to love money. I have to make lots of it and then pave a more comfortable future for myself and my family. Except... I doubt I'm going to be the happiest person in the world in these next few years. Anyway... who knows if I'll really be able to have children or not lol...

One of the more practical dreams that I have is to be a translator. Language has always been my forte and I'm a fast learner when it comes down to it. It doesn't make a whole lot though so I'll probably only be one after I retire from being an accountant.

And then another dream that I've had for a while now and it's a bit out of the ballpark is... I really want to marry a guy who doesn't want me to work and likes me to be a housewife =_= Yes, I've always liked the idea of being a housewife even if I've adamantly stated that I cannot imagine myself not having a career, but recently... that thought just sounds so much more inviting than before. I really don't want to work and would not mind doing all of the housework if it means that I never have to work outside again and can do anything I want. My day would be so carefree and I would enjoy it a lot more than working in service. *sigh*

Another dream that I have is to open my own restaurant & bar someday. I have no idea how this is going to work out especially if I'm going down to Cali. I do not expect to save more than $500 a month after taxes, rent, and other expenses =_=; *sigh* Maybe, I should stop dreaming and start saving... but I feel if I don't have a goal, I just won't feel motivated.

For instance... at the moment... my current dream is to drop another 20lbs before going down to Cali, and then I just want to meet Prince Charming on a White Horse. Yes, very out there, but I would like to have a real romance for once in my life and I do fancy the idea of marriage before I am thirty. So I guess... more than becoming a CPA or anything, I want to experience things on a more personal level and right now, that is my number one motivator it seems.

I would really like to be really thin for once in my life and have people tell me that I need to put on more weight rather than take off more weight =_= It's frustrating when one has spent a decade of their life being overweight or obese. Anyway... these are a majority of my dreams in a nutshell.