Work & Nightmares

Lately, I've been dreaming a lot and not all times the dreams are all too great =_=; Not sure why I'm so stressed out, but I am =_= *sigh* My dream last night was almost like an extension of yesterday or something, it was so weird. My boss was chastising me for a project that I did. I guess I better brace myself today then =_= I couldn't get the stupid thing to balance correctly with my income statement. I somehow managed to get everything else working... not really... I had one or two plug accounts that were just not good =_=; but I did it in desperation to get my partner's capital to tie out =_=; I think in those last three hours, I was just pretty desperate to get things working. *sigh* I hate this stupid subsidiary. Just want to punch it =_= Why isn't it ever easy?

Why Does TV Seem to Glamorize Things So Much?

Exactly how ambitious are people really? Do they always rise to the occasion? Why are all these main characters so super smart and cool, and often underdogs that show people up, etc.? And why can't I be like that? Why is work in real life so much harder than they make it seem on TV?

TV sucks is my conclusion. Movies suck is an addition to that conclusion. They make everything seem so much more dramatized, so much more exciting, so much more of what I don't see much in real life. Man, my life is boring. Work sometimes just makes me want to cry, because things aren't going the way I want them to go. You see the story heroes and heroines go through setbacks, but then they rise to the occasion and proves others wrong. They save the day and are awesome. Why can't I get one of those days too?

Why is work so hard? Do people actually feel like this, or is this something they just decide to leave out in the movies and on TV? Why is it that people make life seem so much easier than it really is?

I'm having a mental crisis right now. I'm nearly twenty-five, I haven't done anything worthwhile or important in my life, I don't have my CPA license, I'm not sure if I made the right career choice, I don't have a boyfriend, I'm constantly lonely, one of my best friends is moving back to Germany because this country kind of sucks in many respects, I don't want to give up my current lifestyle and yet I want something to change.

I want to stop making stupid mistakes at work, I want to be able to move on after people kick me and knock me down, I want a better attitude about things, and I just want something to work for once. I'm so tired of living my life. I want to quit and run away, but I hate feeling like I haven't rammed myself against the wall enough times yet. I'm mentally and physically tired, but I don't want to be labeled as a quitter so I keep standing up after I get knocked down every single time. I just want to run and quit though, but then what? What will I do with my life?

Things kind of suck right now, and yet they're really not that bad. I'm just having a teenager moment in my mid-twenties. I really wonder if I'm immature and stupid. I just feel immature and stupid. I want to impress my bosses, and I keep falling down flat on my face. I'm really starting to lose confidence again.

I don't have too good of a support system. I have no real allies, my good friends are all far away from me. I don't have enough money right now to do anything I really want, so I go shopping to make myself feel better and by doing that, I spend more money than I actually have and it's just a very vicious cycle =_= (It really sucks)

I feel like my mind is swimming in terminal angst right now. Life bites.

Internet Deprivation

I'm still having connection issues though it looks like the difficulties have eased up for the time being. I'm slowly going nuts from not being able to use the internet when I want to, and being quite behind on everything. Not having internet really sucks =_= but I figure I can survive with a patchy connection for the time being. I'm really suffering from lack of better things to do though. I should be studying, but I just want to do other things than studying. *sigh* For instance.. I'm tempted to drive 15 minutes up to the next town so I can buy a copy of Edward Elgar's Enigma Variations 'cause I just want it so bad. The rain is the only thing preventing me from driving anywhere right now. *sigh* I'm so bored =_= Maybe I should swing over to BestBuy and see if they have it... I'm just dying from boredom right now.

Pros & Cons of Tax Busy Season

I think my favorite time of the year is probably mid-February through mid-April, because there's a lot to do and tax time really is fun though it's stressful. There's lot of challenges and lots of things to learn, so I love the busyness of these two months. From mid-April through mid-September, it's a good pace, though sometimes slow, but I hope since I'm climbing up on the knowledge ladder, there will be more for me to do this year compared to last year. Anyway...

Yes, these two months are my fave of the year work-wise, but they are also the two killer months for me 'cause I just don't take care of myself as well as I should. We just get so busy that sometimes we lose track of time, forget to feel hunger or thirst so I don't drink enough water. I used to drink 8 glasses of water a day, but now I don't think I even make it past three. I try to down as much water as possible on the weekends, but it doesn't change that during the weekdays, it gets pretty bad. Unless I go to the gym that week, sometimes I barely drink enough water at all =_= *sigh* So... my body has really been suffering lately.

I've been drinking almost nothing, but coffee lately since I can't really function without the extra energy boost these days. I've been eating about the same type of things I've been eating all year full of veggies, fruits, protein, carbs, etc., but my digestive system's been on the fritz due to the lack of water intake. Despite all the exercise I've been doing, my weight won't change, and my skin can feel the waste build-up in my body so finally I couldn't take it anymore and drank one of those diet teas that I really don't like, but this was starting to get ridiculous so that's why I did it.

And today... I feel absolutely sick (which is exactly why I never drink these diet teas unless I'm really desperate to purge my system). I felt so nauseous this morning, but throwing up wasn't going to solve anything so I decided that I had to eat something, but whatever I looked at in the fridge only fueled my nausea. Then I rummaged through my food bin and found macaroni & cheese -- nothing like carbs for a nauseated stomach -- so I had mac & cheese today, and it's been like a year since I've had any lol. Tasted so good *___* I also had a crumpet *__* Carbs are so good when you feel like death, which is why I always dragged myself to the breakfast place over here when I'm hungover lol. They say you should avoid oily foods when you're nauseated, but sometimes it helps better with me. Not that I had anything all too oily today, but it wasn't what one would call all that nutritious lol. I just wanted the nausea to go away lol.

Also, they say to stay away from citrus when you're nauseated, but those happen to help me the most. Weird, huh? LoL. I mean, anything sweet just makes me want to yak, but tartness really makes me feel better. Hmm... pasta with tomato sauce sounds really good today too. Maybe I'll make some for lunch/dinner later. I really do not feel in a rice mood today.

(500) Days of Summer

This is another really good independent film I just finished watching. The critics kind of panned the chemistry of the two leads, but I think it was fine considering that they were not supposed to end up together. If there was chemistry, they would have ended up together. For some reason, while I was watching the movie, it reminded me of my friend and her relationships with guys. It always seems like that, though not 100%.

The movie is about a greeting card writer (boy) who meets a girl (his boss's assistant) and falls for her, believing that it's fate. The only problem is that aside from the things they did have in common, their opinions on some things were vastly different. He believes in destiny, love, and fat, but she does not. Their relationship actually spans less than 300 days, but the whole journey of his experience with Summer (the girl) is 500 days from day 1 (attraction) to day 500 (closure).

It is a very slice of life movie and I really enjoyed it. The main guy did a really good acting job, very impressive.

Top Picks

Ok, so I have narrowed down my top two young singers that I can tolerate and enjoy: Demi Lovato and Ashley Tisdale. Their music actually is pretty decent. No idea how they sound live, but they have a couple really good songs, and I like Tisdale's style, reminds me of some of the Japanese music I like. I don't know, I tend to go for music with this similar feel. I don't know about them as actresses 'cause I don't care much for their acting, but their music is worth listening to. Taylor Swift is ok as long as she's not singing live =_=; I like her songs, but only the recorded versions. When she sings live, she gets REALLY flat =_=;;; I mean, I'm pretty tolerant towards pitchiness -- I have a high threshold for pain -- but that was a bit too much for me to handle =_=;

Which means I have eliminated Jonas Brothers -- I don't think I've ever heard of such boring music in my life -- Miley Cyrus -- she definitely should not be singing =_= -- and I forgot all the others (Yeah, I know... they didn't appeal to me so much I cleared them out of my memory pretty quickly)

Oh, I only heard one song by Selena Gomez, but it wasn't too bad, though since she's just a teenager, one of the songs I listened by her had a very teenager theme to it "Don't treat me like a kid." She sounds so much older than she is. I think one of more mature songs is "Naturally." She really sounds much older than 17. I don't think she's that pretty, but she has a pretty decent voice. No idea how she sounds live, but her songs have a beat that I can agree with.

Another surprise for me was Dakota Fanning singing as Cherie Curie. They sound so alike it was freaky. I don't know... I've been in total rock mode lately so anything ballad-like (Vanessa Hudgens) so is no good for me.

Anyway, that's all ^_^

Work & People

Today was one of those days... or should I say... one of those VERY FEW days where I actually feel the taunt string of patience snap and actually lose my temper. I think it was so amazing, that even my boss lady was amused.

So what happened was this:

I was working on this huge client file, and it's hella big, but they are REALLY organized so that helped a lot. The problem was with the copying though =_= The new admin lady did the copying for this one and how I knew it was her was because of two things:

#1: For the general partner, my boss-boss, only the two admin get to copy/organize his things, because he feels that his accountants are really valuable ($$ price) so we should be focusing on preparing returns while they get everything organized so we can do our jobs better

#2: Her handwriting was on the post-it attached to a huge 1099 packet.

Well, I was going through the client's binder when I noticed two original pages of a 1099 statement were in the file and it really unsettled me. So I went up to get the client's envelope full of originals to see if maybe what we had was a copy -- but I was sure what I had in my hand was an original, because of the paper texture. And then, I opened up the envelope, leafed through the documents and saw it: pages 3 & 4 of the statement that I only had the first 2 pages for, so the originals were missing the 2 pages I had in my hand. This was a really small mistake, but she needed to know what she did in order to not do it again, so I went up to the front to talk to her.

When I got there, I was like, "N? Did you work on [insert client's name]'s file?" I said it in my politest tone possible -- despite the fact that I was annoyed as hell. She was like, "Oh, I can't remember." (She sounded scared and when she said she couldn't remember, that was probably the truth 'cause her memory span never really lasts any longer than 5 seconds in my opinion.) She went to go check her timesheets, and she asked if it was done this week, and I said, "I don't know" -- I mean seriously, I have like a lot of clients' actual info to remember and enough trouble trying remember what I'VE done, let alone whether or not other people have done what they were supposed to do. She only went back two timesheets and said that she really couldn't remember and that she would have to look at it. (I'm thinking to myself... I don't have time for this...)

I then just pretended it wasn't her fault and went ahead to say, "Well, it's like this. I was just doing this client's file when I noticed two pages of the client's original 1099 hole-punched and in the binder. I went to open the client's envelope and these two pages were missing. We need to send these back to the client so we can't have pages of their documents missing."

She looked at me, flustered, and said, "I'm not sure what you're talking about."

My boss lady -- though I didn't know it at the time -- was in her office listening to us, and my friend (the other admin), was sitting there typing and also listening to us. I think they both started to hear the change in my tone ... though a gradual one.

I looked at the lady and was thinking that maybe what I was saying really didn't make sense, so I separated pages 1&2 from 3&4 into two piles and pointed to the right pile (1-2) and said, "This was in the client's binder." I then pointed to the pile on the left (3-4), and said, "This was in the client's green envelope. This" (I held up 1-2) "should have been together with this" (I put 1-2 with 3-4) "in the client's green envelope, but it wasn't." (Breathe) "There are times when the client will want us to keep the originals for them, but since we have an envelope full of originals, it means we will be sending their originals back and therefore cannot have this happen. Unless we are keeping the documents for them, we never punch holes in the originals and put them in the binder."

She still didn't understand what I was saying, and went on to say, "How do you know that I was not the only one to touch the originals?" (Very defensive)

And I was thinking to myself ... the 2 reasons listed above... but I said instead, "I don't know that for certain, but I do know that we only go grab the originals ourselves when we think we may be missing something and it might not have been copied. That way we will know what to ask the client for what's still outstanding." (I felt my hands shake, because when I am angry, my hands shake ... plus... I was on my second cup of coffee)

She went on to say that she copies everything unless told not to copy something -- I thought to myself, even when you are told not to copy shit, you still copy it =_= -- because she thought I was trying to blame her for not copying the last 2 pages of the 1099, but that wasn't my point. My point was that I found two originals in our binder, which should have been in the f**king envelope and it wasn't, and she had to get really defensive on me and say, "How do you know that someone else other than me didn't touch the originals?" (It can only be you, because you're the only person who does stupid shit like this. Granted you're new, it's still quite inexcusable when you can't even get something this logical right. It's just plain sad.)

I'm not sure what she went on to say next, it might have been along the lines that I was blaming her for something she probably didn't do -- I hate it when people can't own up to their own stupid mistakes -- but I do remember myself saying this, "I never said it was you." (It's true, I not once said "You did this wrong, blah blah blah") "I only asked if you worked on this and you said you couldn't remember, so that was that. I am only telling you what happened and why it is such a problem because you're new, and so I was just letting you know that if you ever come across something like this in the future, you will know what to do. That was all I was saying. There is no need to get so defensive."

(Out of everyone in the firm, I was the first one to call her out on being defensive and I think I really did strike a chord. I was the kindest with my words of criticism, because my senior tax manager is the harshest out of everyone in the firm and when she finds that you did something wrong, she will ream you and destroy you ... yeah, I'm not joking. She is feared like God. Anyway...)

The admin lady got more flustered when I said that, and I said, "In any case, that's all." I'm not sure what she said then, because I was so blinded with rage and my hands were shaking so uncontrollably that I had to remove myself from that place. I simply walked back to my office and tried to regain my composure. I vented to my office mate and she found it pretty hilarious actually 'cause I actually snapped.

Meanwhile, my boss lady -- she missed the last half of the conversation 'cause she went into my boss's office -- but she went up to my friend, the other admin, and said to her -- when the new lady wasn't up there, "Did you hear how exasperated Hisaya got when talking to N?" My friend nodded and was like, "Yeah." My boss lady was like, "If Hisaya can get that exasperated, that is really saying something."

My friend went to go tell me this later on when she needed to vent about the new lady. She was processing some returns and the new lady went over there to work on something when there wasn't any room in the area to start with, so my friend decided to stop what she was doing to let her do what she needed to do and come to our office.

But the meaning behind what my boss lady's words was this:

Out of everyone in the firm, I had an almost interminable amount of patience. I almost never lose my temper and I am very tactful and diplomatic. I am maybe one of the nicest people in the firm, and I hardly ever show my anger even if I am seething inside, so if someone can make me as exasperated as they did today, that is saying that that person is really no good for the firm.

I was pretty surprised with how high of esteem my boss lady held me in, really pleasantly surprised, I guess. But, this lady has been making mistakes nonstop and she hasn't gotten a single thing right since she came here to work, so it has been really grating everyone's nerves -- not just mine, EVERYONE's. She can't type right, she can't copy right, she seriously can't do anything right so anything she does, one of us has to fix it. It's been a real pain. She is a nice person -- when you're not telling her to be careful about a mistake she made regardless of how nice you put it -- but she is really lacking in the common sense department and she is extremely defensive. The last admin lady we had was a royal bitch, this one is a cupcake compared to that one, but she is so incompetent, it's sad.

I have been so patient with her, but her inability to admit fault and to try and pass it off to someone else was pretty unacceptable to me. Even though I wanted to say that she did it, I didn't 'cause I wanted her to have that stupid wiggle room, and I couldn't say anything without solid proof. I think the only smart thing she did today, was not go back an extra week 'cause if she did, my client's name would have been on that timesheet. I will give her smart points for that. At least now I have to keep it ambiguous as though she didn't do it, but her not so smart points is this .... I do the timesheet entries at the beginning of every month and I'm pretty certain that I will be doing them next week, so if I see my client's name on that thing, I will be laughing my ass off. No, I won't go to her about it 'cause it's not worth it, but it will at least validate that I wouldn't have gone up to her without reason. Well, even if she didn't do it, I would have told her anyway 'cause she's the newest person here so it's no surprise if she screws up, but to not be able to make copies is kind of sad. (She can't even stack paper straight or staple straight... her stapled packets fan out like as in a Japanese fan spread out =_= and sometimes... the thicker returns are stacked like the paper version of a leaning tower of Pisa)

It's really sad.

But... on a good note. She did come to apologize for her behavior when I was on lunch. I said it was ok and it did feel much better for her to say that. She has some redeemable quality in that sense. I think I can work with that.

But the funniest part of the day was how my boss lady found it amusing that this lady was amazing enough to make me exasperated. And I mean it when I say that I am REALLY patient when I am at work. I will get irritated and swallow it down, but I don't become that visibly frustrated with people. I have never had my hands shake like that at work ever, this was definitely the first time I felt such rage. Yeah, I have gotten angry with people before too like when my former office manager was there and she was so mean, but I think I cowered more from fear 'cause she had the means to make your life living hell. Still, I have never felt my hands shake from such fury before. I have to say, even I was amazed myself with how I snapped.

I thought I was a royal bitch later though, but my friend was like, "No, you were great. When you told her that there was no need to get so defensive, I was like "Yes! Go Hisaya!" Telling it like it is was definitely the right thing."

I really thought I was a super bitch, because my hands were shaking so bad, but if my friend -- she can't lie -- told me that I did not then I will believe that. Still, I am glad she came over to apologize for how she spoke to me, 'cause she really was in the wrong and for her to not take responsibility was really inappropriate. Everyone knew it was her, there's no question about it.

I may be younger to her -- and that's why I was trying to be nice -- but I am a professional and my job status is above her. I also have more seniority than her at work, because I have been there longer and know the lay of the land better. I know how things should be run, granted I still make dumb as f**k mistakes now and then and sometimes too often for my own liking, but I know the basics and if I tell her to do something, she shouldn't make it seem like I'm overstepping my bounds.

When I first started to work, people don't always tell me the mistakes I made so I kept making the same stupid mistakes. I took time today to tell her what mistake she made so she could be careful in the future -- granted I didn't explicity say it was her. I took MY time, which is VERY VALUABLE right now 'cause it's 13 days before April 15th and I can't be wasting my time instructing people on how to copy or organize things. I have lots of clients' stuff to do and I have to get into an argument over something this trivial? *sigh*

Anyway, I hope this means we'll be going off in the right direction from now on. I think I might have really stabbed her with the "No need to be so defensive" line though, but my friend said she was really proud of me when I said that 'cause people were tired of hearing her excuses.

In a way, I felt like a grownup today. I took care of the problem somewhat like an adult, though the anger factor I'll deduct points on, but at least I didn't go all full-blown bitch and chew her out. So I guess today was an interesting day for me in which I was able to change some people's opinions on me for the better, and able also get my message across to the one who needed to hear it. So it was kind of a good day.

Disney Tween Stars

I'm trying to weed out ones I'm not a fan of and find ones that are worthy of adoration (from their current fans, not me), but that I can enjoy just as much as the next fan. Now that I'm officially old, and all these tween stars are out there, I just can't figure out what's good or not good anymore so I went through all the "hot" young stars out there to figure out if any of their music is worth listening to.

So... I will admit that I actually did watch High School Musical, and I thought Vanessa Hudgens was the better singer when compared to Ashley Tisdale at the time... but now that I think of it... maybe she just had the better songs 'cause when you break them out of their images and just see them as Vanessa or Ashley the singer, Ashley is WAY better. Even though Vanessa tries to be more adult, her songs don't really have much depth to them, they are too Disney-like for me -- if that even makes sense. Ashley, on the other hand, is more my style so that's probably why I like her right now. I'm not her biggest fan, but I can listen to the music and like it.

The next pairing is Hilary Duff vs. Lindsay Lohan -- at least this was the comparison made years ago when both were actually selling and popular. Hilary Duff is ok, I like maybe a few songs by her, but that's about it. I like a few songs by Lindsay Lohan too, but if you ask me... I'm really not at all that into these two at all. Lindsay's a bad role model, and Hilary is a bad actress, but at least Hilary can kind of sing so I'll give her props for that.

Demi Lovato vs. Miley Cyrus: I haven't really heard much by Demi Lovato, but I know that I'm definitely not a fan of Miley Cyrus. She's kind of annoying, and her songs are very average teenager songs -- go figure, she's only 17. I listened to maybe two songs by Demi and she's alright, but I don't know yet.

I have not heard a single song by the Jonas Brothers and for some reason, the more girls go crazy for them, the more I tend to shut them out. I guess I'm not cut out for this tween pop stuff 'cause I'm old and picky lol. I do like Taylor Swift, but she isn't a tween anymore ^_^; Well, she's alright. She doesn't really sound that good live, and yes, country isn't the most interesting genre at all, but I do give her some props for making it big with my least fave genre lol.

Zac Efron's a good singer, but thank god he decided to choose acting over singing. He has a lot of potential to be a good actor and I think if he just nurses that, it would be good, better than getting stuck with his High School Musical image forever =_=

Well, in the end, still not sure if I like anybody, but hey, Ashley Tisdale has quite a few songs that I find decent at the moment.