I was chatting with my friend today about her boyfriend situation and due to all the exercise I've been doing lately, it's gotten easier to talk to her again. The distance between us did a lot of good. I can talk and not feel resentment these days. Even though they have hurt me, made me feel badly about myself, and were just terrible to me, I don't feel so angry or sad these days.
I'm not saying that I want to jump back in and be best friends, because I know how it feels to be that in love with a friend and not have them reciprocate those feelings back, but it doesn't hurt to be able to chat once in a while and enjoy a friendly exchange. Also, because we have spent the last six months apart, I feel like I have waken up from a long nightmare and starting to get back up on my feet. I can't wait until Sunday, it's my study day ^__^
For some reason, I just really like studying and exercising lately lol.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Friday, May 14, 2010
Epiphany
I know I should be doing some last minute studying at the moment, but I came out of the shower, sat on my bed and started crying after my epiphany. I remembered something that I had forgotten for a really long time and I think I can be ok now, like as in really ok now.
I may be alone, I may not have any friends, and I may feel inadequate, but maybe I am not as inadequate as I have thought myself to be.
I have the potential and ability to be really good, I mean, really good at whatever it is that I am doing or want to do. I may be bad at economics, I may be bad at writing essays, I may be bad at a lot of things and my pride might not be able to handle all these flaws that I cannot seem to forgive myself for, but maybe the reason why I have not been able to let go isn't because I have been inadequate at understanding these topics, but because I have not hit against the wall enough times to bleed yet.
I keep thinking that I have pushed myself, that I have gone over the edge, and there was a time where I did nearly throw myself off the cliff, but I didn't. I got lazy and then I was not good anymore.
When I was young, whenever there was a challenge, I really did beat against that wall until I could break it. I worked really hard to get to where I was, but I mistook that for me being naturally smart. I kept thinking that I was naturally smart for a long time and then when I got older, and my grades slipped, I started thinking that this was some fall from grace. I lost my magical powers, I was no longer smart, and I was average. No, I was worst than average, I was nobody anymore. I could not be proud, and could not love myself.
For the longest time, I believed this, but today when I was studying and I could do the answers, I remembered why I was so great. I remembered how hard I worked. I remembered why people could be proud of me and why I could hold my head high. Somehow, I remembered those feelings and I remembered why I was that smart straight-A student. I wasn't naturally smart, I really worked my tail off to get to where I was. I struggled and struggled and struggled, but I always overcame my trials and tribulations because I really gave it my all.
Somewhere down the line, these last seven years have put me in a fog. I lost sight of myself. I started doubting myself, hating myself, and believing myself to be worthless, insignificant and inadequate. I was really disappointed in myself and lived in fear everyday thinking that someone was going to expose me for being the fraud that I was.
I didn't really know what I was doing. I sucked at my job and because I couldn't be better, I hated myself. But you know, I can be better. I understood all the things I read today and I was even able to apply them to my job this week. I got lazy and decided not to broaden my knowledge base, thinking that I was someone going to just get good and later go. It was like my boss said, I felt entitled. I never thought of myself who thought I was entitled to anything, because unlike my peers, I spent so much time beating myself up and hating myself. But... what I have been entitling myself to were excuses. I have been making far too many excuses for my behavior up to now. I might not want to admit it, but I think it is true. And because in the back of my mind I knew it to be true, I hated myself even more.
I remembered today that feeling of being great that I forgot for a long time. Right now it's all baby steps, but I think I can really be something great. I have the potential to be better than what I've made myself believe that I can be. I just have to really work hard and believe that I can that person again. I can be that kid who wowed people at the spelling bee, the one who passed 10 levels of piano exams, the last chair clarinetist who became principal and never relinquished the position throughout all of middle school and high school, and that straight-A student whose homework was everyone's favorite pass-around resource. I think I can believe in myself again after this epiphany. I'm just too tired to study now that I've sat here and cried my eyes out lol. What will be will be tomorrow, but I have found my rhythm again. It took some time, but I'm getting back on my feet.
All of this really started at the beginning of the year when I separated myself from my toxic friends. That was a good move on my part and then I started investing more time in myself. Sure, I spent the last couple months really depressed and lonely, but I think I have found a goal now. I think I have found my ambition again. I couldn't remember it for a long time, but I think I can be ok now for real.
I may be alone, I may not have any friends, and I may feel inadequate, but maybe I am not as inadequate as I have thought myself to be.
I have the potential and ability to be really good, I mean, really good at whatever it is that I am doing or want to do. I may be bad at economics, I may be bad at writing essays, I may be bad at a lot of things and my pride might not be able to handle all these flaws that I cannot seem to forgive myself for, but maybe the reason why I have not been able to let go isn't because I have been inadequate at understanding these topics, but because I have not hit against the wall enough times to bleed yet.
I keep thinking that I have pushed myself, that I have gone over the edge, and there was a time where I did nearly throw myself off the cliff, but I didn't. I got lazy and then I was not good anymore.
When I was young, whenever there was a challenge, I really did beat against that wall until I could break it. I worked really hard to get to where I was, but I mistook that for me being naturally smart. I kept thinking that I was naturally smart for a long time and then when I got older, and my grades slipped, I started thinking that this was some fall from grace. I lost my magical powers, I was no longer smart, and I was average. No, I was worst than average, I was nobody anymore. I could not be proud, and could not love myself.
For the longest time, I believed this, but today when I was studying and I could do the answers, I remembered why I was so great. I remembered how hard I worked. I remembered why people could be proud of me and why I could hold my head high. Somehow, I remembered those feelings and I remembered why I was that smart straight-A student. I wasn't naturally smart, I really worked my tail off to get to where I was. I struggled and struggled and struggled, but I always overcame my trials and tribulations because I really gave it my all.
Somewhere down the line, these last seven years have put me in a fog. I lost sight of myself. I started doubting myself, hating myself, and believing myself to be worthless, insignificant and inadequate. I was really disappointed in myself and lived in fear everyday thinking that someone was going to expose me for being the fraud that I was.
I didn't really know what I was doing. I sucked at my job and because I couldn't be better, I hated myself. But you know, I can be better. I understood all the things I read today and I was even able to apply them to my job this week. I got lazy and decided not to broaden my knowledge base, thinking that I was someone going to just get good and later go. It was like my boss said, I felt entitled. I never thought of myself who thought I was entitled to anything, because unlike my peers, I spent so much time beating myself up and hating myself. But... what I have been entitling myself to were excuses. I have been making far too many excuses for my behavior up to now. I might not want to admit it, but I think it is true. And because in the back of my mind I knew it to be true, I hated myself even more.
I remembered today that feeling of being great that I forgot for a long time. Right now it's all baby steps, but I think I can really be something great. I have the potential to be better than what I've made myself believe that I can be. I just have to really work hard and believe that I can that person again. I can be that kid who wowed people at the spelling bee, the one who passed 10 levels of piano exams, the last chair clarinetist who became principal and never relinquished the position throughout all of middle school and high school, and that straight-A student whose homework was everyone's favorite pass-around resource. I think I can believe in myself again after this epiphany. I'm just too tired to study now that I've sat here and cried my eyes out lol. What will be will be tomorrow, but I have found my rhythm again. It took some time, but I'm getting back on my feet.
All of this really started at the beginning of the year when I separated myself from my toxic friends. That was a good move on my part and then I started investing more time in myself. Sure, I spent the last couple months really depressed and lonely, but I think I have found a goal now. I think I have found my ambition again. I couldn't remember it for a long time, but I think I can be ok now for real.
My Show Got Cancelled T__T
Well, it wasn't really my show per se, but I really liked watching it. It wasn't really a surprise at all when announced 'cause there haven't been any commercials for it for weeks now so I knew it was on the chopping block.
So Flashforward is officially cancelled and the May 27th episode will serve as the series finale. The leads weren't that interesting to watch, but the side characters were great. I really liked watching the series for the side characters, which was probably the same reason so many other people liked watching the show too lol. The side characters rocked while the main lead kinda... well... rocked in a not-so-good way =_=;
I was getting kind of tired of watching Mark and Olivia. Both characters kind of were a turn-off to me. Lloyd was getting kind of annoying too. I only really liked Demetri Noh and Janis Hawk. I liked watching Takeuchi Yuko too *__* Too bad this series was so short-lived, it really had potential, but it kind of didn't move much. It took maybe 14 episodes before it got good. For a freshman series... that's pretty bad. Still, it was my kind of story and I really liked it for what it was. Too bad this is all it'll ever be.
So Flashforward is officially cancelled and the May 27th episode will serve as the series finale. The leads weren't that interesting to watch, but the side characters were great. I really liked watching the series for the side characters, which was probably the same reason so many other people liked watching the show too lol. The side characters rocked while the main lead kinda... well... rocked in a not-so-good way =_=;
I was getting kind of tired of watching Mark and Olivia. Both characters kind of were a turn-off to me. Lloyd was getting kind of annoying too. I only really liked Demetri Noh and Janis Hawk. I liked watching Takeuchi Yuko too *__* Too bad this series was so short-lived, it really had potential, but it kind of didn't move much. It took maybe 14 episodes before it got good. For a freshman series... that's pretty bad. Still, it was my kind of story and I really liked it for what it was. Too bad this is all it'll ever be.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
I Need a Third Computer
So... I need a third computer. The internet for some reason is not working on my 2009 VAIO, so I am back on my 2007 Dell notebook 'cause for some reason I am now getting internet on this slow-trodding thing. However, because my Dell notebook is not exactly the most updated of all machines, I got spammed by Trojans and lovely malware this morning around 3AM.
Oh yes, it was awesome. It was around this time that my computer did the blue screen of doom in order to save itself -- I will re-dub it as the blue screen of self-defense from now on -- and then it could not start up after it somewhat self-destructed despite running the restart screen. I pulled the plug -- erm, pushed the button -- and then waited a little bit before turning the computer back on, and then it took me to this "I need to fix myself up" screen so I let the computer do its own thing until it finally let me back on. Afterwards, the Antivirus Live bug tried to start doing its thing again, but my connection died on this computer so it held it off for the time being.
I went to my VAIO and tried to look up ways to kill the virus, but of course, the connection kept glitching on me so it's always those first 15 seconds after it reconnects that it actually works. I managed to find this thing called SUPERAntiSpyware Portable Scanner, that I tried to download with my terrible connection -- I had to use BT to keep it from failing on me -- and then I put it in one of my small, hardly-ever use flash drives (so if it gets infected, I won't feel to badly about it) and plugged it into my Dell to start scanning and quarantining. I fell asleep as it was scanning 'cause it was like 4:30AM and still not done doing its thing. When I woke up around 7:30, I pushed the kill button and voila, all terminated. I had to restart it again, and since this computer moves slower than a turtle, I napped for another half hour before waking up to do another scan to make sure the bug is truly dead.
You never know, sometimes, virus stays in even when you think it's gone. Anyway, that stupid bug is gone now and life is peachy again. But that doesn't change the fact that I think having a third, backup computer would be good in case something like this happens again. I might go back and get another Dell. I think I'm going to get a cheaper computer compared to my last two 'cause Dell isn't exactly all that reliable, but right now I am very happy with how it is able to pick up internet when my other computer is not able to. I still love my VAIO, don't get me wrong, but I seriously cannot afford another Sony computer for a while -- they are hella expensive.
So, my next computer will most likely be another Dell computer, but I'm not looking to upgrade it into anything fancy. All I really need is a camera and microphone and I really don't care much for the space. I guess having blu-ray on it couldn't hurt.
Oh yes, it was awesome. It was around this time that my computer did the blue screen of doom in order to save itself -- I will re-dub it as the blue screen of self-defense from now on -- and then it could not start up after it somewhat self-destructed despite running the restart screen. I pulled the plug -- erm, pushed the button -- and then waited a little bit before turning the computer back on, and then it took me to this "I need to fix myself up" screen so I let the computer do its own thing until it finally let me back on. Afterwards, the Antivirus Live bug tried to start doing its thing again, but my connection died on this computer so it held it off for the time being.
I went to my VAIO and tried to look up ways to kill the virus, but of course, the connection kept glitching on me so it's always those first 15 seconds after it reconnects that it actually works. I managed to find this thing called SUPERAntiSpyware Portable Scanner, that I tried to download with my terrible connection -- I had to use BT to keep it from failing on me -- and then I put it in one of my small, hardly-ever use flash drives (so if it gets infected, I won't feel to badly about it) and plugged it into my Dell to start scanning and quarantining. I fell asleep as it was scanning 'cause it was like 4:30AM and still not done doing its thing. When I woke up around 7:30, I pushed the kill button and voila, all terminated. I had to restart it again, and since this computer moves slower than a turtle, I napped for another half hour before waking up to do another scan to make sure the bug is truly dead.
You never know, sometimes, virus stays in even when you think it's gone. Anyway, that stupid bug is gone now and life is peachy again. But that doesn't change the fact that I think having a third, backup computer would be good in case something like this happens again. I might go back and get another Dell. I think I'm going to get a cheaper computer compared to my last two 'cause Dell isn't exactly all that reliable, but right now I am very happy with how it is able to pick up internet when my other computer is not able to. I still love my VAIO, don't get me wrong, but I seriously cannot afford another Sony computer for a while -- they are hella expensive.
So, my next computer will most likely be another Dell computer, but I'm not looking to upgrade it into anything fancy. All I really need is a camera and microphone and I really don't care much for the space. I guess having blu-ray on it couldn't hurt.
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