So Exhausted...

Today is one of those days where I feel absolutely exhausted to the point where whatever criticism people throw at me, doesn't hurt me at all. I'm so tired that I've stopped caring. And yet, now that I've gotten home, I feel so exhausted that I want to cry, but because I'm so tired, the tears don't want to come out.

I ended it with the guy I was somewhat seeing. We weren't really exclusive, but I told him that I wasn't ready for a relationship and that I'm sorry if I hurt him. He did not write to me for a week and then suddenly a letter pops up in my email and now I'm too scared to read it. I don't handle conflict well, and I don't handle emotional pain all too well sometimes. I'm strong for other people, but very timid when it comes to my own feelings especially if it involves another person like this. It's just sitting in my inbox, untouched. I'm too afraid to open it. I'm scared that if I read something that is scathing, I'll be affected by it and then unable to move forward, because that's what happens to me now and then.

When it concerns my feelings in the realms of love and relationships, I'm really weak. First I'm afraid of commitment, second is I don't trust men in general, and third is I don't want to fall in love with someone who does not love me. I've been lead on before so I didn't want to lead this guy on anymore especially if I couldn't see myself with him later on anyway. I flinched when he touched me, and I tried to duck out of his embrace. My body was already polarizing away from his, so why should I continue this relationship?

So I wrote him a letter, because I'm better with written words than actual speaking. I get tongue-tied and listening hurts more than reading so that's why I did it. I felt apologetic for taking this route, because I would have liked to talk to him in person, but he lives very far away and it's not like I know him all that well, so I just wrote him.

We went on three dates, and though I had fun, I couldn't make myself like him in that way. I liked him as a friend, but I just couldn't like him anymore than that. I told him sorry and left it at that.

I'm a coward, but today I'm too exhausted to care.