It'd be total chaos.
I feel pretty torn from my thoughts and knowing what I have to do and not acting on it, or not knowing what I should do and asking for advice from too many people. Everyone has a similar or very different opinion on how I should take care of the organized chaotic mess I've created for myself, but I'm just not sure what it is that I want anymore.
So I started dating a really nice guy. I mean, he's really nice and a good guy, but my heart isn't into it. I can't tell whether it's because I still have a hard time trusting men, whether I'm afraid of commitment, whether there's just no chemistry, or I'm just scared of putting myself out there and falling in love. After the third date, I still am not sure what I want. Do I want to continue this relationship, or do I want to end it? He seems genuinely interested in me and he is very kind to me. He has all the qualities that I am looking for in a guy, but something still seems to lack for me.
Because of this, I thought I should end it with him before we get into this too deep. But I have two sets of friends that are giving me differing advice on how to go about my situation. One side tells me not to give up on him, because guys like him are so rare. Men who are actually interested and ask you out to do things are rare, is what they told me. Then the other side told me that if I am not into him, I need to end it, because it is not fair to him. The problem is that I'm hesitant and unsure of what it is I want. Do I want to give us a chance and try to make this relationship work, or do I want to just let him go? I'm frozen in one place with the same thoughts running through my head, unable to come up with a definite decision. I either hurt him by leading him on, or I hurt him by ending it now. If I end it now, it would hurt less than when I end it much later... but then what if in the next few months when I am with him, I start to fall for him? Then I really wouldn't want to end it with him.
Maybe I'm just scared of relationships in general.
He put his arm around me on our last date and I stiffened. If it were one of my normal guy friends, I'd be fine with it. If my feelings were all there, I'd be fine with it, but I couldn't help, but feel uncomfortable, as though it were all wrong. Maybe that was my sign, but what if the reason why I felt that way was because I've been rejecting him since the beginning? What if, my inability to fall for him is because I've bound myself by all these rules and expectations I need to follow in order to please my family?
Everyone tells me that I need to live for myself and do whatever I want, but I've lived my life under total scrutiny by my entire immediate and extended family so I don't know what it is I want. I feel as though nothing I've ever done has really been what I wanted, because I was always trying to please someone. I'm so exhausted with trying to fulfill all these requirements and then trying to approach love and relationships the same way. I really do not know what it is I want to do.
Then, I keep thinking about one of my guy friends, whom I've been sporting a one-sided crush on for the past two years. I love him like an older brother and I've always wanted more, but I've never really allowed myself to hope for more, because he's only treated me like a younger sister. Even now, perhaps I still have lingering feelings for him so I can't move on. I keep wondering if this is another reason why I'm so reluctant to move forward with the guy I'm dating. I don't know. Maybe I do know and I'm just in denial. Whatever it is, I can't seem to sort out this mental mess. I had to write it down somewhere and here I am. I've just been a mental mess these last few days.
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