So Exhausted...

Today is one of those days where I feel absolutely exhausted to the point where whatever criticism people throw at me, doesn't hurt me at all. I'm so tired that I've stopped caring. And yet, now that I've gotten home, I feel so exhausted that I want to cry, but because I'm so tired, the tears don't want to come out.

I ended it with the guy I was somewhat seeing. We weren't really exclusive, but I told him that I wasn't ready for a relationship and that I'm sorry if I hurt him. He did not write to me for a week and then suddenly a letter pops up in my email and now I'm too scared to read it. I don't handle conflict well, and I don't handle emotional pain all too well sometimes. I'm strong for other people, but very timid when it comes to my own feelings especially if it involves another person like this. It's just sitting in my inbox, untouched. I'm too afraid to open it. I'm scared that if I read something that is scathing, I'll be affected by it and then unable to move forward, because that's what happens to me now and then.

When it concerns my feelings in the realms of love and relationships, I'm really weak. First I'm afraid of commitment, second is I don't trust men in general, and third is I don't want to fall in love with someone who does not love me. I've been lead on before so I didn't want to lead this guy on anymore especially if I couldn't see myself with him later on anyway. I flinched when he touched me, and I tried to duck out of his embrace. My body was already polarizing away from his, so why should I continue this relationship?

So I wrote him a letter, because I'm better with written words than actual speaking. I get tongue-tied and listening hurts more than reading so that's why I did it. I felt apologetic for taking this route, because I would have liked to talk to him in person, but he lives very far away and it's not like I know him all that well, so I just wrote him.

We went on three dates, and though I had fun, I couldn't make myself like him in that way. I liked him as a friend, but I just couldn't like him anymore than that. I told him sorry and left it at that.

I'm a coward, but today I'm too exhausted to care.

If One Were to Look Into My Brain...

It'd be total chaos.

I feel pretty torn from my thoughts and knowing what I have to do and not acting on it, or not knowing what I should do and asking for advice from too many people. Everyone has a similar or very different opinion on how I should take care of the organized chaotic mess I've created for myself, but I'm just not sure what it is that I want anymore.

So I started dating a really nice guy. I mean, he's really nice and a good guy, but my heart isn't into it. I can't tell whether it's because I still have a hard time trusting men, whether I'm afraid of commitment, whether there's just no chemistry, or I'm just scared of putting myself out there and falling in love. After the third date, I still am not sure what I want. Do I want to continue this relationship, or do I want to end it? He seems genuinely interested in me and he is very kind to me. He has all the qualities that I am looking for in a guy, but something still seems to lack for me.

Because of this, I thought I should end it with him before we get into this too deep. But I have two sets of friends that are giving me differing advice on how to go about my situation. One side tells me not to give up on him, because guys like him are so rare. Men who are actually interested and ask you out to do things are rare, is what they told me. Then the other side told me that if I am not into him, I need to end it, because it is not fair to him. The problem is that I'm hesitant and unsure of what it is I want. Do I want to give us a chance and try to make this relationship work, or do I want to just let him go? I'm frozen in one place with the same thoughts running through my head, unable to come up with a definite decision. I either hurt him by leading him on, or I hurt him by ending it now. If I end it now, it would hurt less than when I end it much later... but then what if in the next few months when I am with him, I start to fall for him? Then I really wouldn't want to end it with him.

Maybe I'm just scared of relationships in general.

He put his arm around me on our last date and I stiffened. If it were one of my normal guy friends, I'd be fine with it. If my feelings were all there, I'd be fine with it, but I couldn't help, but feel uncomfortable, as though it were all wrong. Maybe that was my sign, but what if the reason why I felt that way was because I've been rejecting him since the beginning? What if, my inability to fall for him is because I've bound myself by all these rules and expectations I need to follow in order to please my family?

Everyone tells me that I need to live for myself and do whatever I want, but I've lived my life under total scrutiny by my entire immediate and extended family so I don't know what it is I want. I feel as though nothing I've ever done has really been what I wanted, because I was always trying to please someone. I'm so exhausted with trying to fulfill all these requirements and then trying to approach love and relationships the same way. I really do not know what it is I want to do.

Then, I keep thinking about one of my guy friends, whom I've been sporting a one-sided crush on for the past two years. I love him like an older brother and I've always wanted more, but I've never really allowed myself to hope for more, because he's only treated me like a younger sister. Even now, perhaps I still have lingering feelings for him so I can't move on. I keep wondering if this is another reason why I'm so reluctant to move forward with the guy I'm dating. I don't know. Maybe I do know and I'm just in denial. Whatever it is, I can't seem to sort out this mental mess. I had to write it down somewhere and here I am. I've just been a mental mess these last few days.