Today, I felt a little more alive than these past few days. Work was harder, but more satisfying, and at the end of the day, things were good if not great. I had been fighting back the urge to cry and whine about how much I hate work, but just as I was beginning to count down the days until I would be able to return to my family, things seem to pick up a bit.
During the last few days, I kept wondering to myself if this is all it will be, and if I really belong here at my new job and new home. I have been depressed, tired, confused and upset. I'm not looking for people to baby me at my job, but a little patience and understanding would be nice. Furrowed brows, blunt speech, and abstract to almost-no explanation for things really make life a bit hard to like at times. I find that it's on days when I make plans with friends and family that I seem more alive and motivated to get through work. When it's just me working and then going straight home, it's lonely and boring. I never thought that I would ever be able to feel so depressed being by myself, but I guess it's possible.
Anyway, today I had a dinner date with a couple of girl friends. Originally it was supposed to be my friend and me cooking dinner, but it changed into a "cookie party" at another one of our friend's houses. We had crab salad, freshly-baked sourdough bread, spinach salad, red wine, spinach dip & chips, and fresh cold crab for dinner. It's by far the best thing I've had since arriving in the bay area, and the most fun I've had in a while.
The dinner was low-key and cheerful. The five of us happily chatted away while good music played in the background and enjoyed great food. My friend's housemate, her friend, and I made the crab salad together. The housemate -- who is a French lady -- bought the ingredients and made the rice, plus put corn and chopped crab in bowls, while I diced the cucumber and tomatoes up into cubes. The friend, a marketing representative for a wine company (who is also French), mixed everything up later in the bowls. We brought the spinach salad, crab salad, some wine, spinach dip, and chips over to our cookie-baking friend's house. She made the best ginger cookies ever and they're just incredibly delicious. I stole a bunch home 'cause they're irresistible ^__^.
Anyway, it was lots of fun tonight and we all messed around with the piano in the house. I really don't think I've had so much fun in so long. I'm always the conservative type so I really am not fond of big parties and going to bars, but low-key dinner parties with good company are always very charming.
I used to wonder why people love going out so much, but I can see that when you're all alone and living really far away from family, your friends are really all you've got so you end up loving to go out often. I used to hate going out, but now I feel as though it's my only motivation during the day. In a way, I feel as though I'm really living life for the first time. Before, I'd just live like a recluse and never go out, but now I really enjoy it -- just not bars though.
In any case, maybe things won't be too bad after all.
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