It's been over a year since I last posted anything and currently, I'm at an impasse with life. It's like a mid-life crisis, but earlier. It's a post-mid-twenties crisis 'cause I surpassed the 25 mark already. Not quite thirty, not really twenty, just floating and hoping for the best.
Since the last time I wrote, I became more independent from my parents. I learned how to solve a lot of things on my own, but when it comes down to relationships with people, I guess I've either regressed or just don't know how to deal with people after all. My roommate and I had a terrible fight, and given this ended up with lots of cyber warring and friends deleting each other from Facebook, etc., it's one of those "we'll never recover from this ever again" kind of situation.
So now... because she is not going to move out despite being the troublemaker, I'm looking for a new place to live. Only catch is... where? As much as I like living where I'm living right now, I'm not sure if I even have a job once my contract expires, so I couldn't afford a one year lease rental agreement... *sigh*
I got a temp position that started at the beginning of this year 'cause I quit my last job around September of last year. I just couldn't deal with the toxic situation anymore so I removed myself from it. The same goes here, I just don't want to live in a place where my peace of mind is not respected so I need to move in order to have some sanity back in my life. Only catch is that I'm still waiting to hear if I have a job after this or not. If only I knew, that would be nice. I'd have a budget that I could work with and plans that I can actually hope to have.
I wish life didn't require so much out of me sometimes. It's so hard to find a good balance these days. I keep having bad dreams recently due to stress. Working 10-12 hours a day, six days a week, and then getting waken up in the middle of the night by your punk-ass roommate just sucks. Well, after the fight, it seems some things have calmed down, but I still don't like going home. I just don't like to look at things I don't like to see. And because I apparently have no people's skills, I just don't feel like developing them around a group that gangs up on me and makes me feel like my feelings aren't important. I mean what kind of person has a whole backup crew waiting for you to come home so they can discuss problems with you? 5 vs. 1?
Well, my friends told me to file a restraining order on these people, but I really would like not to resort to that if at all possible.
I hope this month passes by easily and I'll be out of my current place soon. I need a place that gives me what I need. I just want to feel mentally and emotionally well again. This current situation does me no good. *sigh*
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Saturday, January 1, 2011
New Year, Improved Goals?
My flight is later today, and I am currently finishing up laundry so that I can pack the rest of my clothes lol. I fell asleep while my clothes were still washing last night 'cause I was so tired and now I'm up at 5AM in the morning drying them lol. This will give me an hour to finish stuffing the clothes in before having to drive up north to the airport.
While I wait for my clothes to dry, the first thing I did in 2011 was install my Becker CPA exam software to make this actually real now. I figured that I should install the software while I still have a good internet connection before I head back to a place where my computer just refuses to piggyback on anything lol. I am trying out one of those broadband sticks right now, but I'm not sure if I'll get good reception where I currently live so I'm bringing it back with me to try it out, and if it doesn't work then I'll have to take it back to the store.
Next thing I have to do is pay for the exams, but that'll have to come after I pay everything else. I've decided that I really, really, really need to find a new job this year 'cause my current workplace will only put unnecessary pressure upon me, that will leave me nervewracked and unable to perform well so even if they don't sign off when I pass the exam, it'll still be ok. I'll get my next firm to sign off on me. I've decided that I only want to do audit and no more tax. I just feel more suited as an auditor than as a tax person though I do love doing tax returns. Anyway... I have already accomplished over a certain amount of work hours, all I really need to do is pass it this year so that I can finally have some peace of mind. I just don't think I'll be able to pass it by June 30th, so I need to get out of my current firm in order to not put such pressure upon myself.
One important goal is to become 95 if not 100% independent from my parents. Letting them dictate things in my life really did no good for me and made me into this bitter, angry, empty shell of a person. I have to find my passions this year, actually do something with my life this year. I don't care about proving to them that I am better at some things than they say, I only want to prove to myself that I'm not a complete failure. I don't owe anyone else anything. I owe myself a chance to believe that I'm not a terrible waste of space on earth.
Another goal I have is to finish an actual book from start to finish that's not a self-help reference, manga, or modern day fiction. I want to read actual literature like Jane Austen, Emily Bronte, John Steinbeck, etc. So... I packed up all my Jane Austen books -- bought, but never read -- and the one I just purchased yesterday -- Sense and Sensibility -- plus Wuthering Heights so I'd like to be able to read and finish these books this year. I think the last time I read an actual book was really in high school. I never quite finished anything afterward without skipping around or reading SparkNotes and such. Someday, I want to get back to East of Eden and actually read/finish the darn thing from start to finish lol. I need to work on my patience and sense of discipline 'cause I always skip around.
I also want to rearrange things in my room so that the new year will have a different feel to it. Once I get back, all I want to do is put some things back in my closet while packing up the things I have no use for and then shipping them back to my parents' place. I really would like to move this year too. Naturally if and when I land a new job, I will relocate closer to that job as well. I want to work in the city so that is where I plan on starting over.
Anyway, need to take a mini nap before I have to get up again. I'm so tired now that I've finally finished the packing.
While I wait for my clothes to dry, the first thing I did in 2011 was install my Becker CPA exam software to make this actually real now. I figured that I should install the software while I still have a good internet connection before I head back to a place where my computer just refuses to piggyback on anything lol. I am trying out one of those broadband sticks right now, but I'm not sure if I'll get good reception where I currently live so I'm bringing it back with me to try it out, and if it doesn't work then I'll have to take it back to the store.
Next thing I have to do is pay for the exams, but that'll have to come after I pay everything else. I've decided that I really, really, really need to find a new job this year 'cause my current workplace will only put unnecessary pressure upon me, that will leave me nervewracked and unable to perform well so even if they don't sign off when I pass the exam, it'll still be ok. I'll get my next firm to sign off on me. I've decided that I only want to do audit and no more tax. I just feel more suited as an auditor than as a tax person though I do love doing tax returns. Anyway... I have already accomplished over a certain amount of work hours, all I really need to do is pass it this year so that I can finally have some peace of mind. I just don't think I'll be able to pass it by June 30th, so I need to get out of my current firm in order to not put such pressure upon myself.
One important goal is to become 95 if not 100% independent from my parents. Letting them dictate things in my life really did no good for me and made me into this bitter, angry, empty shell of a person. I have to find my passions this year, actually do something with my life this year. I don't care about proving to them that I am better at some things than they say, I only want to prove to myself that I'm not a complete failure. I don't owe anyone else anything. I owe myself a chance to believe that I'm not a terrible waste of space on earth.
Another goal I have is to finish an actual book from start to finish that's not a self-help reference, manga, or modern day fiction. I want to read actual literature like Jane Austen, Emily Bronte, John Steinbeck, etc. So... I packed up all my Jane Austen books -- bought, but never read -- and the one I just purchased yesterday -- Sense and Sensibility -- plus Wuthering Heights so I'd like to be able to read and finish these books this year. I think the last time I read an actual book was really in high school. I never quite finished anything afterward without skipping around or reading SparkNotes and such. Someday, I want to get back to East of Eden and actually read/finish the darn thing from start to finish lol. I need to work on my patience and sense of discipline 'cause I always skip around.
I also want to rearrange things in my room so that the new year will have a different feel to it. Once I get back, all I want to do is put some things back in my closet while packing up the things I have no use for and then shipping them back to my parents' place. I really would like to move this year too. Naturally if and when I land a new job, I will relocate closer to that job as well. I want to work in the city so that is where I plan on starting over.
Anyway, need to take a mini nap before I have to get up again. I'm so tired now that I've finally finished the packing.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Not Remotely Excited...
Is it weird to say that I'm not even the least bit excited to go back home tomorrow? I'm not really in the mood to see my family right now, I rather avoid them. It's kind of sad, but that's how I feel. Also, despite seeing all the Christmas decorations up, it just doesn't feel like the holidays to me. I used to love this time of the year, but the magic of everything seems to have disappeared. I don't feel at all excited right now...
Just got off the phone with my mom, nothing happened, but that's just it now, nothing. We keep the talking to a minimum, I'm not excited to talk to her and would rather not have anything to do with them at the moment. The things they say really screw with my head and I don't need to be any more messed up than I already am. *sigh*
Just got off the phone with my mom, nothing happened, but that's just it now, nothing. We keep the talking to a minimum, I'm not excited to talk to her and would rather not have anything to do with them at the moment. The things they say really screw with my head and I don't need to be any more messed up than I already am. *sigh*
Monday, December 6, 2010
A Serious Case of Infatuation
I know it's all in my head... but I'm really enjoying the moment for what it is. Nothing materialized or will ever materialize, but I am quite smitten with my weekend. I think I'm in love...
At least for now.
At least for now.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
An Epic Evening
I had one of the greatest party experiences of my entire life yesterday and felt that I should shout it out from the roof tops... in a way. I felt sophisticated, yet trampy at the same time, it was an amazing experience.
My brilliant weekend really started with happy hour after work on Friday when we went to a local bar and my friend and I got pretty darn happy with the drinks. We played pool, met some nice people, and then had to call a mutual friend to come get us 'cause we were way too smashed to go anywhere. My girl friend and I did a lot of bonding that night over the drinks and pool and it's been great.
She invited me to a formal winter ball/party thing at one of her friend's houses and I spent yesterday looking for a formal dress. I ended up shopping at Banana Republic and found this great silk dress originally for $175 and managed to discount the price to slightly above $100. I was down 2 sizes from usual so that made me happy too. I looked absolutely stunning in the dress by the way ^_^ I felt quite pretty last night. I wore my good jewelry, I wore D&G's light blue perfume, peep toe shoes, and my new Coach purse from Vegas. I was quite the looker -- and yes I am bragging XD.
Before we set off to the first party, we had a glass of wine at my friend's place and then I drank four more or so, maybe five at the formal party before we left to go to someone else's birthday party at a bar/restaurant that has a dance floor. I bought a round of drinks for my friends and then I told my friends that I was going to go dancing so I left them for the dance floor. I was just doing my thing and danced with several guys -- five apparently, one of my friends counted lol. It was so much fun. I haven't had this much fun for a while. I felt like a tramp, but it felt so good lol. After a while, my friends made me down cranberry juice 'cause they were out of water and then had to drag me out of the place when it was getting close to closing time lol. I was too smashed that night to drive so I ended up staying over at a friend's house and didn't go home till late today lol.
Due to some details that would give too much away, I have to keep the story to a bare minimum, but it was truly the most epic night I've ever had XD.
My brilliant weekend really started with happy hour after work on Friday when we went to a local bar and my friend and I got pretty darn happy with the drinks. We played pool, met some nice people, and then had to call a mutual friend to come get us 'cause we were way too smashed to go anywhere. My girl friend and I did a lot of bonding that night over the drinks and pool and it's been great.
She invited me to a formal winter ball/party thing at one of her friend's houses and I spent yesterday looking for a formal dress. I ended up shopping at Banana Republic and found this great silk dress originally for $175 and managed to discount the price to slightly above $100. I was down 2 sizes from usual so that made me happy too. I looked absolutely stunning in the dress by the way ^_^ I felt quite pretty last night. I wore my good jewelry, I wore D&G's light blue perfume, peep toe shoes, and my new Coach purse from Vegas. I was quite the looker -- and yes I am bragging XD.
Before we set off to the first party, we had a glass of wine at my friend's place and then I drank four more or so, maybe five at the formal party before we left to go to someone else's birthday party at a bar/restaurant that has a dance floor. I bought a round of drinks for my friends and then I told my friends that I was going to go dancing so I left them for the dance floor. I was just doing my thing and danced with several guys -- five apparently, one of my friends counted lol. It was so much fun. I haven't had this much fun for a while. I felt like a tramp, but it felt so good lol. After a while, my friends made me down cranberry juice 'cause they were out of water and then had to drag me out of the place when it was getting close to closing time lol. I was too smashed that night to drive so I ended up staying over at a friend's house and didn't go home till late today lol.
Due to some details that would give too much away, I have to keep the story to a bare minimum, but it was truly the most epic night I've ever had XD.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Arguments With My Mother
If I had the money, I'd take everything with me and hide out for a year. I've been constantly fighting with my mother in the last month, and feeling a whole lot of resentment towards both my parents for the type of person I turned into and the path that I must take in life. I feel resentment, because they say I should follow my heart and do what I want, but then turn around and tell me they're disappointed with what I've done to my life. And my bosses tell me I have a victim mentality, so that pisses me off more. I don't like being perceived as someone who always thinks "Poor Me." Even though that's all it seems like lately. Even I hate myself.
I don't feel like I can say anything or talk freely about anything to anyone these days 'cause everyone has an opinion about what I should be doing. I just need space from everything and everyone. I need to get away from everything that reminds me how much I suck.
I'm so tired these days. I don't even want to pick up the phone to talk to anyone. I'm angry everyday. I made my mother cry again tonight and I didn't even feel anything. I was just so angry. I told her that she was a liar when she said that she didn't care what I did anymore. I repeated it over and over again, because I was so angry. Maybe someday I will regret it, but currently, I can't be sympathetic. I can't say anything nice or think of anything nice. I'm ignoring people and not wanting to go out. I'm just angry all the time now. I'm exhausted and I need some sleep.
I don't feel like I can say anything or talk freely about anything to anyone these days 'cause everyone has an opinion about what I should be doing. I just need space from everything and everyone. I need to get away from everything that reminds me how much I suck.
I'm so tired these days. I don't even want to pick up the phone to talk to anyone. I'm angry everyday. I made my mother cry again tonight and I didn't even feel anything. I was just so angry. I told her that she was a liar when she said that she didn't care what I did anymore. I repeated it over and over again, because I was so angry. Maybe someday I will regret it, but currently, I can't be sympathetic. I can't say anything nice or think of anything nice. I'm ignoring people and not wanting to go out. I'm just angry all the time now. I'm exhausted and I need some sleep.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Unpleasant Memory
I remembered something unpleasant today, but it gave me pause and allowed me to think a little more clearly.
Two years ago, my friend flew back up from the bay area and wanted to go shopping. She neglected to tell me that she didn't have a car, so after we made plans to go the mall, she said "Oh yeah, can you come pick me up? I don't have a car." It took over 20 minutes to drive to her place during Christmas shopping season with all the lovely traffic, and then another fifteen minutes to get to the mall. We did some shopping, but I had to get to work that day, so then we had to rush back to her place where I dropped her off, drove at least another 25 minutes to get to my house, before driving another 20 minutes to get to work that day and then had to work really late. I was really exhausted and depleted, but I did it because she's my friend.
Then last year when she offered to take me to the airport for one of my trips, she was conveniently unavailable when I needed her to take me so I had to rely on my relatives. And then she offered again for my birthday this year, and I didn't accept at first, but then asked her if she could do it today and she gave me the answer, "Probably" which translates to "No."
So, I think I may need to book a shuttle or something, because this suddenly put my head in perspective and made re-realized that I can't count on anyone really. I'm on my own. At least I remembered in the nick of time.
Two years ago, my friend flew back up from the bay area and wanted to go shopping. She neglected to tell me that she didn't have a car, so after we made plans to go the mall, she said "Oh yeah, can you come pick me up? I don't have a car." It took over 20 minutes to drive to her place during Christmas shopping season with all the lovely traffic, and then another fifteen minutes to get to the mall. We did some shopping, but I had to get to work that day, so then we had to rush back to her place where I dropped her off, drove at least another 25 minutes to get to my house, before driving another 20 minutes to get to work that day and then had to work really late. I was really exhausted and depleted, but I did it because she's my friend.
Then last year when she offered to take me to the airport for one of my trips, she was conveniently unavailable when I needed her to take me so I had to rely on my relatives. And then she offered again for my birthday this year, and I didn't accept at first, but then asked her if she could do it today and she gave me the answer, "Probably" which translates to "No."
So, I think I may need to book a shuttle or something, because this suddenly put my head in perspective and made re-realized that I can't count on anyone really. I'm on my own. At least I remembered in the nick of time.
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