So Exhausted...

Today is one of those days where I feel absolutely exhausted to the point where whatever criticism people throw at me, doesn't hurt me at all. I'm so tired that I've stopped caring. And yet, now that I've gotten home, I feel so exhausted that I want to cry, but because I'm so tired, the tears don't want to come out.

I ended it with the guy I was somewhat seeing. We weren't really exclusive, but I told him that I wasn't ready for a relationship and that I'm sorry if I hurt him. He did not write to me for a week and then suddenly a letter pops up in my email and now I'm too scared to read it. I don't handle conflict well, and I don't handle emotional pain all too well sometimes. I'm strong for other people, but very timid when it comes to my own feelings especially if it involves another person like this. It's just sitting in my inbox, untouched. I'm too afraid to open it. I'm scared that if I read something that is scathing, I'll be affected by it and then unable to move forward, because that's what happens to me now and then.

When it concerns my feelings in the realms of love and relationships, I'm really weak. First I'm afraid of commitment, second is I don't trust men in general, and third is I don't want to fall in love with someone who does not love me. I've been lead on before so I didn't want to lead this guy on anymore especially if I couldn't see myself with him later on anyway. I flinched when he touched me, and I tried to duck out of his embrace. My body was already polarizing away from his, so why should I continue this relationship?

So I wrote him a letter, because I'm better with written words than actual speaking. I get tongue-tied and listening hurts more than reading so that's why I did it. I felt apologetic for taking this route, because I would have liked to talk to him in person, but he lives very far away and it's not like I know him all that well, so I just wrote him.

We went on three dates, and though I had fun, I couldn't make myself like him in that way. I liked him as a friend, but I just couldn't like him anymore than that. I told him sorry and left it at that.

I'm a coward, but today I'm too exhausted to care.

If One Were to Look Into My Brain...

It'd be total chaos.

I feel pretty torn from my thoughts and knowing what I have to do and not acting on it, or not knowing what I should do and asking for advice from too many people. Everyone has a similar or very different opinion on how I should take care of the organized chaotic mess I've created for myself, but I'm just not sure what it is that I want anymore.

So I started dating a really nice guy. I mean, he's really nice and a good guy, but my heart isn't into it. I can't tell whether it's because I still have a hard time trusting men, whether I'm afraid of commitment, whether there's just no chemistry, or I'm just scared of putting myself out there and falling in love. After the third date, I still am not sure what I want. Do I want to continue this relationship, or do I want to end it? He seems genuinely interested in me and he is very kind to me. He has all the qualities that I am looking for in a guy, but something still seems to lack for me.

Because of this, I thought I should end it with him before we get into this too deep. But I have two sets of friends that are giving me differing advice on how to go about my situation. One side tells me not to give up on him, because guys like him are so rare. Men who are actually interested and ask you out to do things are rare, is what they told me. Then the other side told me that if I am not into him, I need to end it, because it is not fair to him. The problem is that I'm hesitant and unsure of what it is I want. Do I want to give us a chance and try to make this relationship work, or do I want to just let him go? I'm frozen in one place with the same thoughts running through my head, unable to come up with a definite decision. I either hurt him by leading him on, or I hurt him by ending it now. If I end it now, it would hurt less than when I end it much later... but then what if in the next few months when I am with him, I start to fall for him? Then I really wouldn't want to end it with him.

Maybe I'm just scared of relationships in general.

He put his arm around me on our last date and I stiffened. If it were one of my normal guy friends, I'd be fine with it. If my feelings were all there, I'd be fine with it, but I couldn't help, but feel uncomfortable, as though it were all wrong. Maybe that was my sign, but what if the reason why I felt that way was because I've been rejecting him since the beginning? What if, my inability to fall for him is because I've bound myself by all these rules and expectations I need to follow in order to please my family?

Everyone tells me that I need to live for myself and do whatever I want, but I've lived my life under total scrutiny by my entire immediate and extended family so I don't know what it is I want. I feel as though nothing I've ever done has really been what I wanted, because I was always trying to please someone. I'm so exhausted with trying to fulfill all these requirements and then trying to approach love and relationships the same way. I really do not know what it is I want to do.

Then, I keep thinking about one of my guy friends, whom I've been sporting a one-sided crush on for the past two years. I love him like an older brother and I've always wanted more, but I've never really allowed myself to hope for more, because he's only treated me like a younger sister. Even now, perhaps I still have lingering feelings for him so I can't move on. I keep wondering if this is another reason why I'm so reluctant to move forward with the guy I'm dating. I don't know. Maybe I do know and I'm just in denial. Whatever it is, I can't seem to sort out this mental mess. I had to write it down somewhere and here I am. I've just been a mental mess these last few days.

Distant Worlds Concert, Dating & Near-Death Experiences

My weekend was an adventure. First, my friend and I went to the Distant World's Final Fantasy concert at Davis Symphony Hall in San Francisco on Saturday, and we had great seats. We sat almost right above Uematsu Nobuo and I was just having a heart attack when I realized he was there as well. They played ALL the music I liked best and brought tears to my eyes especially with the opener, Liberi Fatali from Final Fantasy VIII.

The whole concert was just stunning and I was so lovestruck that I'm still giddy and swoony today. I bought everything you could possibly buy after the show -- cd, T-shirt, program, but we didn't go to the post-show 'cause it was $110 and I had a date the next morning. I really wanted to go though, just being able to get his sign on the CD, shirt, and program would have been so wonderful. I probably would've bought like 2 cds if we went so I could get my brother a copy too. But oh well, who knows, maybe someday we'll go again.

Then yesterday, I went on my first real date with a guy I met two weeks ago. He's a gentleman and really kind to me, but I'm still not sure where my feelings are. We'll see where it takes us. We went to the California Academy of Sciences and that was so much fun. I loved the aquarium best, it was just so amazing. But I was pretty exhausted at the end of the day 'cause I didn't get enough sleep to begin with and then when I was driving to my relative's, I nearly caused a bad collision.

I was looking at my GPS and not the lights, or road, etc. I just kept driving and nearly got hit in the middle of the intersection, it was terrible. I was so exhausted though that I didn't even feel anything from the experience. Normally, one would freak out right? But, that was how exhausted I was, I didn't even feel anything =_=; *sigh* It was terrible.... I was in an emotional state of shock this morning when I woke up and regained my senses and then throughout work all day today, the thoughts of yesterday kept replaying in my head over and over again. It wore me out pretty quickly and I was depressed most of the day. It was a strange mix of feelings today. I was either giddy from the aftermath of the concert, or really down because of the near-accident yesterday. I'm living life a bit too recklessly for my own liking. I hope this doesn't happen again. I'm too scared to drive for real now.

Every Girl Has a Fantasy

Growing up, every girl in my circle of friends -- and even outside the circle -- has a fantasy about their future. As girls, one of the most common things we think about growing up is finding Prince Charming, falling deeply in love, marrying him and then starting a family with him. We will grow old together and die still very much in love. However, we all know that reality is never as beautiful as a fairytale, still most of us dare to dream in the beautiful, the wonderful, and the unrealistic delusion.

My circle of friends have a common fantasy which ends with a loving husband and great children. They often plan a wedding the day they meet a guy for the first time -- or even before that. The color of the bridesmaid dresses are already set in stone, and the flower arrangements have all been decided upon. Every new guy they go out with becomes the new potential husband and the fantasy ends with them being 50 years old and still madly in love. For me though, my fantasy never ends happily.

In my overly-imaginative image of the future, I see myself with someone and perhaps I am in love with them, but we end up fighting in the end and then we leave each other. Divorce is involved, cheating is involved, lying, screaming, and chaos is all mixed into the tumultuous end of all my future relationships. Even if I find myself happily married to someone in my fantasy today, tomorrow my fantasy changes to us fighting, to the man treating me badly or hurting me, and to us breaking up with either my leaving him, or him leaving me. I see abuse, I see myself being taken advantaged of and treated like a maid, and I see myself crying all the time. I have never had a beautiful fantasy like the other girls, they have always ended negatively.

I believe that out of all my friends, I have the most issue with the subject of love. I have seen my girlfriends pour out their entirety to a guy they like and then have their hearts broken. I have seen abuse in physical and verbal form, and I have had to hold a number of hands to comfort these girls in my life when they go through a rough patch. In the end, out of all these experiences, I have lost all trust and respect for men in general. Of course, not every man in the world is a woman's enemy, but for the most part, I cannot allow myself to fall for someone, because I do not want to be hurt.

I have no confidence that I will not become like those girls who go all pink and bubbly when they're in love and then end up spending a month in their pajamas in bed when they are left behind. I have no confidence that a man will be able to accept me for who I am, with all my flaws intact. I have no confidence that I can attract a man, because I have been used and brushed aside so many times by men who are actually after my girl friends. I have no confidence that I can stand up to a man who abuses me, because we tend to write off our man's shortcomings and take it as though we really are in the wrong and that they are right. I just have no confidence at all.

I have allowed people to walk over me all my life, my friends included. Though I am much better now than I was in the past, it still smarts whenever I can tell how someone is trying to manipulate me to do something that I do not want to do. I can fight off my friends when they start trying to take over my life, but I have no confidence that I can do so with a man. In my mind, none of my relationships will ever end up well and that's why, I'm not so sure I am ready to date, ever.

I have arrived to the conclusion that I have confidence issues and maybe it is committment phobia as well, or just an inability to trust. Whatever it is, I definitely have issues.

I Saw a Deer

About an hour ago I was backing out of my parking space, getting ready to drive to the gym, when I noticed a brown figure rustling behind a green plant of one of my neighbor's houses. At first I wasn't sure of what I was seeing, but then it became apparent to me that this big huge brown thing was actually a deer munching on my neighbor's plant. I stared and braked. I pulled back into my parking space and parked it. Then I rummaged through my bag to find my cellphone only to realize that I had left it back in my room to charge since the battery went dead as I was chatting with my mother earlier on this evening.

I groaned since it wasn't there, but I didn't want to run back to the house to grab my phone since the deer might be gone by the time I got back, so I exited out of my car and ogled at the deer like the phrase "deer in headlights." It stared at me while munching on the green leaves and I stared back. It slowly edged away from me while keeping its gaze on me. I just stared and tried to move towards it, but it skillfully backed itself away from me and eventually made its way back into the little patch of forest behind where my neighbor's house is. Since there was nothing I could do, I just went back to my car and drove to the gym.

That was about as exciting as my day got since all I did today was stay home and read Twilight. My boss practically forced me to take two days off because there was no work to do =_= *sigh* I at least went shopping yesterday, today all I did was stay at home and read. It was just so boring =_= *sigh* This is the most boring things have gotten for me lately, but maybe it's a good thing 'cause I've had way too much on my mind and I do need a chance to relax my brain.

Ah, by the way. I just want to wish my dearest Q for successfully completing and graduating college this weekend. May you have a bright future ahead! There wasn't enough time to figure out anything so I can't make it to graduation, but I'll be there in spirit cheering you on. Love you lots~

Because I Can't Call At 11PM At Night

It's nearly 11PM and I'm distraught. I can't call anyone, because I would feel bad if I woke someone up from sleeping, and because I wouldn't even really know what to say. I've been having a really hard time emotionally lately. My grandmother started chemo last Friday for all the tumors inside her body. We thought she only had breast cancer, but it turns out that she had another tumor in her lower back area. She isn't doing so well right now and has been in the hospital for a few days. My parents didn't call me these last few days because they didn't want to tell me to worry, but I called them today and found out since I heard her vomiting on the other side of the phone. I feel emotionally wracked right now. I think all my nightmares lately have been because of my grandmother's condition. There's no reason why I should be getting scary dreams if not for the fact that something really bad happened.

So now in the midst of my job, boy issues, and my grandmother's cancer, I'm just exhausted and feel like I'm breaking apart really slowly. My parents are there taking care of her all by themselves and I'm really far away from them. Even if I cry, there's nothing I can do. I try to compartmentalize everything the best I can, but all of this has really affected me at work. I either work like crazy to forget everything, or it just bothers me so much that I can't concentrate. I'm really easily irritated, I don't handle things as well as I usually am able to and even if I'm not showing it externally, I'm a gigantic mess inside.

Maybe this 3 1/2 - 4 day weekend came at a good time. I should go somewhere. Then again, I don't have any energy for it. I'm feeling really alone and in need of someone to be there for me, but I don't want to ask anyone, because in the midst of suffering, my pride is still the most valuable thing to me. It doesn't help that I view all men as the enemy these days =_=; *sigh* Life seems to be getting so much harder than before...

My Roommate Practically Calls Me Fat

When someone says something hurtful or just hurts me, I usually have a habit of being angry at first, bottling it up so I don't explode on the spot and regret it later, let it simmer and melt away after a couple days and then just completely erase the incident from my mind, forgiving them for being such insensitive jerks and that the reason they're like this is because they were not raised right... (yes... that is my coping mechanism, I keep telling myself that I was raised properly and understand what is rude and what is respectful so I should be lucky and happy with how I turned out instead of being angry at how mean they are).... but.... no matter how I hard I try to forgive, there are just some things that just seem to bug me a lot, to the point where I can still phrase the conversation word-for-word =_=;

For instance, one of the things that bug me about my roommate is that she's very hypocritical. She isn't obese, but she's not slim either, and she is always going on and on about how she needs to diet and that she is reading X-number of books on all these special diets out there in the world =_=; She would then tell me how she used to be so thin, etc., and then look at me and ask me how much I weigh.

Now... here's the thing. I used to be slim too, but I have pretty extreme weight fluctuations so there are times when I am severely overweight and times when I'm just perfect and fit. At the moment, I am not proud at how I look, because I allowed stress to buy me lots of food and candy in the past year so I have some confidence and self-esteem issues going on inside my head over my current weight problem. I hate telling people how much I weigh, because they ALWAYS weigh less than me. Here they are going on about how they need to diet when they're wearing size 2 - 6 clothing, while I'm stuck at 12-14. Our body structures aren't that much different, so I really hate it when they go on and on about how fat they are. Exactly how is that supposed to make me feel? If size 2 is fat, then what am I? Deathly obese?

Anyway, I'm getting off on a tangent. Back to my roommate....

Ok, so she asks me how much I weigh and in order to not have her give me that "Oh, nice at least I'm not as fat as you are" expression, I downplay my weight, but no matter how low it goes she still says "Oh, I need to diet too."

(... I never said anything about dieting. My goal isn't to cut certain foods from my diet, but to limit what I eat and exercise more. My body doesn't just auto-slim from starving itself, you know =_=)

She tells me to read all these books about what diets (i.e. South Beach) to do, etc. I'm thinking to myself, "Hey lady, my body is pretty different from yours. Cutting rice from my diet is going to do me any good when I decide to eat it again in the future. Sure I'll slim like crazy, but the minute I pick it up again, I'll bloat up." I'm not going down the path of forsaking carbs again, that was a BIG mistake. I lost so much weight, but the moment I started eating carbs again, I gained everything back and went from sparrow to whale size. Best method for me still (and yes, I have tried several different dieting methods already) is to count my calories and to exercise 4-6 days a week. She can't just start forcing her ideas upon me! I'm not telling her what to do, what right does she have in shoving books in my face and telling me to read them!?

Next is when we eat, she puts cheese ALL over her food. Does not matter what it is, she just throws a handful on. When she eats foods with butter, she spreads large quantities on too. She says that she is going to give up sweets, but then she keeps bring home pies, cakes, and tarts (omg... are you kidding?). This is all coming from the same person who keeps saying that she's going to stop eating this and that, and this and that, and go on some grand diet that is supposed to work wonders. It really just grates my nerves, because she indirectly calls me fat, keeps saying how fat she is, and then goes and throws tons of cheese over her food. I mean... WTF!? The best line is "Oh, help yourself to that [tart, cake, pie], I can't eat all of it. The more you eat, the less I eat."

.... ..... .... Um... didn't we establish that I'm so fat that I have to go on the South Beach diet and forsake carbs? If so... why should I be stuffing my face with pie?

I mean seriously, if you're not going to practice what you preach, get away the hell from me!!