Arguments With My Mother

If I had the money, I'd take everything with me and hide out for a year. I've been constantly fighting with my mother in the last month, and feeling a whole lot of resentment towards both my parents for the type of person I turned into and the path that I must take in life. I feel resentment, because they say I should follow my heart and do what I want, but then turn around and tell me they're disappointed with what I've done to my life. And my bosses tell me I have a victim mentality, so that pisses me off more. I don't like being perceived as someone who always thinks "Poor Me." Even though that's all it seems like lately. Even I hate myself.

I don't feel like I can say anything or talk freely about anything to anyone these days 'cause everyone has an opinion about what I should be doing. I just need space from everything and everyone. I need to get away from everything that reminds me how much I suck.

I'm so tired these days. I don't even want to pick up the phone to talk to anyone. I'm angry everyday. I made my mother cry again tonight and I didn't even feel anything. I was just so angry. I told her that she was a liar when she said that she didn't care what I did anymore. I repeated it over and over again, because I was so angry. Maybe someday I will regret it, but currently, I can't be sympathetic. I can't say anything nice or think of anything nice. I'm ignoring people and not wanting to go out. I'm just angry all the time now. I'm exhausted and I need some sleep.

Unpleasant Memory

I remembered something unpleasant today, but it gave me pause and allowed me to think a little more clearly.

Two years ago, my friend flew back up from the bay area and wanted to go shopping. She neglected to tell me that she didn't have a car, so after we made plans to go the mall, she said "Oh yeah, can you come pick me up? I don't have a car." It took over 20 minutes to drive to her place during Christmas shopping season with all the lovely traffic, and then another fifteen minutes to get to the mall. We did some shopping, but I had to get to work that day, so then we had to rush back to her place where I dropped her off, drove at least another 25 minutes to get to my house, before driving another 20 minutes to get to work that day and then had to work really late. I was really exhausted and depleted, but I did it because she's my friend.

Then last year when she offered to take me to the airport for one of my trips, she was conveniently unavailable when I needed her to take me so I had to rely on my relatives. And then she offered again for my birthday this year, and I didn't accept at first, but then asked her if she could do it today and she gave me the answer, "Probably" which translates to "No."

So, I think I may need to book a shuttle or something, because this suddenly put my head in perspective and made re-realized that I can't count on anyone really. I'm on my own. At least I remembered in the nick of time.

I Also Want to Move

I'd like to get a job in the city and then live there. I need a change of environment. My roommate and I are on good terms, but I'd like something different.

Job Hunting

I'm discouraged one day and then fired up the next. I have exactly two months to get out of my current job, or else I'm stuck until next April 15th. The only problem is that some jobs require three years of experience and I barely have two in my current occupation. I've only had three months of actual administrative work that can be labeled as admin, and that part really discourages me. In addition to that, hearing my mom's "I really do hope you don't give up on accounting" doesn't help. She doesn't care if I don't continue with public accounting, but she still hopes I continue with what I learned. It certainly makes my life a lot harder to figure out when I keep listening to their feedback. I grew up with people telling me how to live my life and for the most part I always saw their suggestions as correct and now for me to actually question it and try to live my life is so hard. It's pathetic, but true. I can't really come up with a decisive idea of what I really want and I change my mind everyday. It's been really annoying. I hate my current job, but I'm not sure of what I actually want either. I have five days till the drop dead and then I need to really get out of my job before December, which means I have to at least land an interview this month, get a position in November and turn in my two weeks notice. I'm so stressed right now.

I really want to stay here, but a part of me is telling me it would be more practical to go back home where the cost of living is really small and one can just survive on $35k a year. Here... $35k is like living paycheck to paycheck. I'm just so lost and I have a feeling that I will stay in this state for a while.

Opera Tickets

My friend just bought me tickets to see the opera next month as a birthday present to me *__* I'm kind of melting right now. I've always wanted someone to treat me to the opera for my birthday. Now I've got one wish fulfilled~

Always Eat Enough

I went to the gym today and worked out like I normally do, but one thing was off.... I didn't eat enough today so when I went to burn the usual amount of calories, I felt really sick after I was done. The acid in my stomach kept traveling up and down, it was not pretty. I immediately took some tums when I went home, which really helped and then sat there eating edamame that I made earlier today lol. I feel a whole lot better. But yeah, just as a note to all, always eat enough before you go to the gym, and make sure you give the food some time to settle too =_= I so hope this doesn't happen again. I need to eat more.

My Brain is a Mess

Life is so complicated, life is much more complicated when "love" is a factor that's quite distracting. When you can't stop thinking about a person and what happened between the two of you no matter how minor, it's annoying. I don't think I've been more annoyed with myself and with what's going on inside my head. I want to talk about it, but I don't want to talk about it. I remember how annoying it is to talk about the guy you may or may not like with your friends and then you become a broken record, which is annoying as hell, but he is the only thing (besides work) that I can think about. The last time I was this annoying... was in college and thankfully that didn't last too long, so the only other time before this was when I was sixteen. Oh god, make it stop! Make the constant rewinding stop! And what timing ... Did he have to text now =_=

You know life is already complicated enough, why do guys make it so much more complex than it should be? And why am I resisting this? Either fall or walk out, why can't I decide? I'm so scared. I don't want to love him. I'll only hurt him in the end. I need to get out, run while I can. Why am I so afraid to be in a mutual relationship? I fear it so much. Living a one-sided unrequited love lifestyle was so much easier. And I could dream about someone else. I feel chained already =_= I can't be committed 'cause I love my freedom so much. That's right, the freedom of being single is awesome. I should stay single. Have I turned into Iris? As soon as I figure out the guy likes me, I lose interest? No, it's not loss of interest, it's fear of being loved back... I can accept it when my friends love me... but when a guy actually loves me, it's scary it. I'm so scared right now. I want to run away, climb in a hole and just hide for a while. Maybe I shouldn't see him for a while. Maybe I should move back home with my parents after all. Then I can't see him for real like this anymore, I'll be able to just live life the way it was. It'll be easy.

Someone stop replaying these strange and bizarre thoughts in my head already!!! Ugh! Maybe I should do yoga. I need to clear my mind.