How Things Have Changed In the Course of a Year (Or More)

Haven't been here for a while and thought I really should update this blog so I copied my post from livejournal and kinda decided to past it here.  The last time I wrote in livejournal was even further back than this blog.  Think I stopped around the time I was unemployed and listless. 

In the more recent months, been going through every single blog I've ever started to maybe close some accounts, but then after reading all the things -- trivial or not -- that I have written, kinda started a journey down memory lane.  I started this blog after I graduated from college so this is pretty much my early career day’s blog, whereas livejournal was my high school and college blog.  Some things have changed and some things have not.

I'm still very much into manga, just not much into the scanlation scene anymore.  I just buy everything in original serial or tank form, read what I can, but I can tell you that my Japanese has slipped up a lot since I stopped watching drama, etc.

I am now officially too old to go to Con lol.  Kind of funny to have that dawn on me, because I wanted to go for so long when I was younger, but never got the opportunity.  I've outgrown a lot of things it seems, and this journal kind of got left behind as well.

Since 2011, I've found myself on this rollercoaster ride we call life.  I went from depressed and unemployed to suddenly employed and surrounded by a new group of friends.  I went from being called useless and stupid employee at one firm to suddenly being called an asset at another.  Funny how everything good started happening when I took some pretty big risks that fortunately paid off.

It would have never occurred to me that I would live a life similar to ones that I have watched numerous times on television or in movies.  I was just like any average worker who hated their job and was constantly undermined by their employer.  I worked in a toxic environment, hung out with people I didn't quite understand -- and vice versa, and was suffocating under those conditions.  Then I just quit without a single backup plan.  Looking back, that was never the smartest move, but it was the right one for me.  When life gets so hard that a person starts finding sharp objects mesmerizing and physical pain a form of stress relief, that's when you know you've got problems and an unhealthy attitude.

Things weren't exactly good after I quit, but I did feel lighter. There wasn't anyone standing over me telling me what a waste of space on earth I was, and that was nice. It didn't take long though before my unemployment and directionless, aimless lifestyle began to contribute to the already unstable state of my mind.

Emotionally distraught and confidence obsolete, I began to run away, retreat into the safety of the world I knew before I moved to the big, bad bay. I almost moved back to my parents' home to seek refuge in order to nurse my broken soul, but just the thought of giving up what I started made me sick to my stomach. I could not stop feeling sorry for myself, and it consumed me. All the feelings of shame, worthlessness, and unhappiness just took over and started ruling everything in my life. So I did the easy thing and I ran away -- for three weeks anyway.

After staying in my hometown for a spell, I returned to the bay resolved with a new plan that I would move back to my parents' and go back to school, study hospitality management or something, maybe even bookkeeping. Just as I was packing up things, I was invited to a social gathering at one of my now very good friend's house for a pie party.

I have never been all that sociable of a person, parties and gatherings just drain me. I'm always putting on a face of some sort that wasn't really me, doing things that I did not enjoy in order to fit into the social circle I was hanging with. My best friend always included me in her group of friends, but I never quite understood any of them. All the things they talked about was never of any interest to me, and in order to appear invested, I just drank myself into a stupor without fail every time when I was around them so I could avoid talking or at least take off the edge. Bottom line was that I didn't quite enjoy hanging out with anyone, because it was just exhausting. All of that changed in December of 2011.

In the middle of my packing, and deciding to hang out with my friend with her friends brought me into a world that was more familiar to me -- geeks and nerds. My people, my nation, I have finally discovered the ones like me in interest, personalities, and passions just when I was resolved to leave. For the first time since I moved to the bay, I found people that I could have intellectual and interesting conversations with -- aside from my best friend. I can't exactly explain what happened, but something inside of me just clicked and something changed.

That party, that room full of people marked the turning point of my period of self-pity and sadness. I woke up the next morning with ten more friends than I had before I decided to do something new and good for myself. I also woke up with an epiphany that this was it, that this was what all the suffering had been about, that it's not too late to find right path for me and to live unconventionally, and to not run away anymore. I had to grow up, grow a pair, take a stand and tell all the haters out there that I'm stronger and better than what they think of me.

That morning was the first time I picked up my laptop, my resume and cover letter book and started pounding out cover letter after cover letter, resume after resume. I submitted to all the jobs that interested me and waited for the phone to ring.

Despite my sudden burst of inspiration and motivation, the phone never rang. I did not get a single call from any of the places I applied to. Still, unlike the previous weeks, I was undeterred and continued my pursuit of the perfect job -- or at least the means to put food in my stomach.

I applied to just about anything and everything -- that is anything and everything but accounting. Unfortunately, nothing ever came back. So then one day I found myself browsing through the craigslist accounting/finance section and submitting my resume and cover letter on a whim to an accounting/finance company. I started applying for accounting positions again and staffing agencies since January was around the corner and firms were in need of tax preparers. And then one day while I was at the gym, out of the blue, I got a phone call from a staffing firm that was impressed by my resume and wanted to pair me with some of their clients.

At the time, any sort of praise sung about my resume kind of fell flat on my ears, because I so fervently believed in my former bosses' words that I was a terrible accountant. Still, I smiled and took it, because I needed a job. Working with a recruiter, I ended up gaining three job interviews -- one for a temporary tax position and two for full-time positions -- for the last week of December. I was also working with a temp agency as well, but they wanted to interview me for a position within their own firm so I actually had four interviews.

Around this time, I had caught a cold due to the stress I had put on my body from staying up late job-searching, writing letters and resumes, so when I finally went in for my first interview, I was feeling quite terrible. I wanted nothing more than to stay in bed, but I knew that if I didn't go to these interviews, I would probably never forgive myself. So, drugged up, lethargic, and possibly contagious, I bit the bullet and went in for my first interview.

Arriving at the first firm -- the temporary tax position one -- I told myself that this was a practice round and that no matter what happened, it would be alright. I had researched the firm before going in -- as my recruiter had advised me to do -- and I practiced all my answers to the possible questions in front of a mirror the night before, so despite my lack of a voice, sore throat, and nasal congestion, I could still somewhat deliver as though I wasn't ill.

Well, I did lose my voice a couple times during that interview and my interviewer, the managing partner of the firm, seemed icy and cold. I would have been more intimidated if I hadn't been so drugged up on cold medication. The interview only lasted a very short 20 minutes, so I left, certain that I had failed this practice round.

I went back home and prepared for my second interview of the day when I received a phone call from my recruiter asking me how my interview went. I told her quite frankly that I had no idea, and I wasn't expecting anything out of it. She seemed quite taken back and surprised by my response, because what she said next really confused me: "Well, they loved you and want to make you an offer."

I'm standing there, reeling for a moment, rewinding my memory all the way back to the 20-minute interview and how scary that woman was, and then asked, "Are you sure?"

Never would I ever have said anything like this if I wasn't so sick and addled in the head, but I think it was good that I was so ill, less inhibition, less tact, more honesty.

Anyway, she tried to get me to agree to the offer, but I really wanted to see my options first before I did anything. I mean, I needed something a bit more stable, it couldn't be temporary. So I turned down the offer in favor of my next interviews and went to the second one of the day.

The second one turned out alright, and I was preparing for my third interview when I got another phone call from my recruiter -- this time, it was her boss who was calling me. He really wanted to close the deal with the first place I interviewed at, so he pitched a really good sale to me. If I were to take the job that day, he would negotiate a good hourly for me and the position had the potential to materialize into a full-time offer. I was on the fence about it, but after some back and forth negotiating and pitching, I finally agreed to an offer where my hourly was twice the amount I was being paid at my former firm. I can't explain how surreal and relieved I felt the moment that was all a done deal. I was in a state of euphoria and it didn't even matter to me at that point that the job would never become permanent, because I was going to be able to survive for a while on the money I make from the three-month contract. I was going to temp during busy season and then go to mixology school.

Thus, I cancelled the rest of my interviews and concentrated on healing my cold and stress-ravaged body until I started my contract.

On the day I started temping, I arrived at the firm for a day of training. I arrived much earlier than I was supposed to -- because my recruiter had mixed up the time -- and I met another woman who was also starting the same day. I was surprised, because I was under the impression that I was the only one contracted. I found out shortly that she was a CPA, so then I knew that I was the real temp and she was the one they were grooming to take the full time position. I made my peace with that thought very quickly, because I was going to become a mixologist anyway.

We were trained, and I quickly discovered that most of the applications were easy for me to use and tax season was going to be doable. The other woman, on the other hand, didn't fare so well. She was lost and confused pretty much the entire busy season. And then for the first time ever, I became someone of value at my place of work.

I was quick at picking up all the software and I had a good understanding of the basics. Compared to my last firm, I actually had a voice and was allowed to have an opinion. I stood up for myself when I felt I was wronged, and I fought back when something wasn't right. For the first time in three years, I actually had the respect of my peers and superiors and it was empowering. I was actually smart for once. I wasn't looked down upon, I wasn't verbally gunned down in front of coworkers, and people were telling me that I was doing excellent work. The other full-time employees in the tax department and I quickly became friends and I felt really happy that before I quit this field, I would have at least one good experience to take with me and that I had finally gotten over the trauma from my last firm.

Everything was going great, and then two weeks before April 15th, the other girl who was hired with me was fired. She had been taking too long on projects, taken up too much of everyone else's time and energy to help her, and had irritated just about every single person in the firm. I can't say that I wasn't surprised, but the whole thing startled me and I suddenly felt fear again. I was doing so well... would they unceremoniously dump me too? It wasn't like I was pining for this job, but if I had something a bit more permanent, it wouldn't hurt.

Shortly after they fired the other girl, I got the talk about an offer the firm wanted to make me. The managing partner had really grown to like me and was not as icy as she was when we first met. And then when April 15th rolled around, I found myself full employed. My recruiter probably got a fatty commission off of me, because they kept thanking me for doing such a great job, but I was thankful for them too. I was able to recover my confidence and I stopped feeling sorry for myself. People liked me, I was valuable, and I was a good accountant. The last firm was just too miserable, unhappy, self-absorbed and blind to see it. I was better than they claimed I was, and I had proved it. I woke up from that terrible spell of unhappiness and things really got better from there on out.

I moved out of the apartment with roommates after a falling out with one of them, and I began to live on my own. Another good decision in 2012. I had a good job, a good apartment, and good friends all at once. Things began to really go well, I became very social and I tried a lot of fun things that I never thought I would get the chance to. I learned to swing dance, I ate at some pretty amazing restaurants, I met a lot of amazing, inspirational people, and I also survived all the hard times. I was cheated on, lied to, and had money stolen from me. I had people take advantage of me, and lost some friends along the way, but I became smarter, better, and a happier person from all my experiences -- good and bad.

I learned to fall in love again.  The whole thing was love at first sight and then it all ended rather quickly, because we were just not compatible, but I started to open up to the idea of dating again.  Took me about a month to get over him, but our romance was a lot of him beating around the bush and me acting too indifferent, because he was vague so I wasn't sure if I want to jump all in.  Of course... I kinda did, and when I finally got attached, he was done.  Ah well, such is the way of romance for incompatible people.  He's a nice guy, we just weren't right for each other is all.

I lost my family and found my way back to them.  Shortly after my 25th birthday, my parents and I became estranged from each other.  I had spent the majority of my life living as an extension of my mother's failed hopes and dreams to the point that I had not once really lived for myself.  And because they had sheltered me so much while I was growing up, I never really matured in a sense.  It took my work supervisor -- and now really good friend -- to call me out on being a highly self-righteous, uppity, judgmental prude to really slap some sense into me.  

When I started to find my individuality and figure out what I wanted in life, I met with a lot of resistance and disapproval from my parents.  I can't recall what the incident was over exactly, but I think it maybe have been that I had a limited amount of time to do 2-3 virtually impossible tasks and when I was able to accomplish it like an adult, I was just so proud of myself.  When I shared the story with my mother, she wrote me off and said that I should have already known how to handle these situations, because I was already an adult.  But you see... that was a rather unfair claim. 

I may have been 25, but to be honest, I was probably as mature as a 16 year-old.  My parents have sheltered me growing up -- out of love, of course -- but it was quite to an extreme extent.  And because I had been told of nothing, but my everlasting flaws my whole life, I desperately sought approval from my parents, so I hardly did anything in my life without asking for their consent or acceptance first.   Anytime something difficult happened, my parents were there to shield me from failing or falling down.  All of it was out love, but that love was suffocating and it never allowed me to grow, so when I finally started to act like an adult who was independent and able-minded, it was one of my proudest moments.  It may not have been a major deal, but to me, it was a pretty big milestone.  I was a 16 year-old no more.  

To my mother, it was kind of a silly notion to be so happy over completing such a mundane task.  She did not see the significance or feel the joy that radiated in my heart.  I wanted to share this moment with her and she... just didn't see what I saw.  I felt crushed, hurt, and pent up feelings from the last 25 years of my life just welled up and broke through the fragile dam that had been holding it all in all this time.

You see, I grew up being told that I was not pretty.  I was too fat, my face was too round, my eyebrows not arched, and my eyelids were mono-lid.  I was not talented enough to be a pianist, artist, or a writer, and unless I had the confidence to write the next Harry Potter, I shouldn't even dream about it.  I was told not to dream, to live within the expectations of my family and that I was sadly imperfect to a horrifying degree.  I wouldn't realize until later that the term for this would be "Tiger Mother parenting."  That was exactly what it was, and I went through and consumed blog after blog of Asian Americans who felt oppressed growing up with their families until I felt ok to be imperfect.  

I am 27 now, and I have learned to love myself.  I have learned that it's actually fun to apply eye makeup on monolids.  I found out that I have a natural French manicure.  Everyone out there is paying to have my fingernails, whereas growing up, my mother told me that it was unsightly.  I say raunchy things, I curse, I love to eat and drink, and it's ok.  Too long I was held to this standard of "perfect" that once I let my hair down, things just got much better.  All it took was for me to have this much delayed fight with my mother.  Of course, it would have been better if it wasn't so dramatic, but I felt that I couldn't breathe and I couldn't grow as long as they had a presence or say in my life, so I cut them off.  

That was one of the hardest times of my life, because I had been so unhappy at my job at the time and then I lost my strongest support group.  However, my support group was less support and more demanding than supportive so I had to give them up in order to stand on my own two feet facing the world as an adult should.  I really let loose around this time and did a lot of things that ... only someone in their early twenties can achieve.  I can't stay up late and go clubbing anymore, it leaves me feeling pretty ragged lol.

After about eight months of standing on my own, making bad decisions, failing and experiencing all sorts of exciting things, I received a phone call while I was at lunch with my coworkers on June 25th, 2011.  My grandfather was on his death bed.  Everything was kind of a blur after that. 

I drove up to Oregon, got a speeding ticket, continued to have arguments with my parents, and then saw him one last time, but it was so surreal that I didn’t know what was going on.  After I returned back to my home, I was told on June 30^th, that I had lost my maternal grandfather.  He had a stroke when I was in my sophomore year of college and it rendered him bedridden for the rest of his life.  A part of me was glad that he had stopped suffering, but the event made my perspective on life changed.  It also changed my parents’ perspectives on life.  We started to speak again, but I was still very cautious around them, because at the time I felt that love was a weapon and not an emotion.  I felt that my parents had used love to enslave me, to hurt and abuse me.  I know now that it was because their love for me was so strong that they overdid it, and I have come to forgive them, because I understand why things happened the way it did.  Doesn’t make it right, but I have forgiven their numerous unpleasant comments since their manner of communicating with me changed. 

My parents stopped pushing me towards what they initially wanted for me, and started to really support me.  I was doubtful for about a year and half and still maintained limited contact with them until April 7^th of this year when I lost my maternal grandmother. 

I went back during Christmas to see her one last time, and when I found out that she was nearing the end, I was neck-deep into busy season so I could not leave work.  I had booked a ticket planning to go as soon as April 15^th was done, but she passed away before I could see her.  I went to work the next day and just powered through work, but as soon as I got home, I just collapsed into a heap and wept bitterly.  Out of all my grandparents, I loved her the most.  I did not notify my boss until after April 15^th that I needed to revise my travel arrangements, because my grandmother’s funeral would not take place until the 24^th of April.

My grandmother’s funeral was the first funeral I ever attended.  My mother did not tell me about my grandfather’s funeral until after it was over, and this lead to another chasm in our already unstable relationship.  However, after attending my grandmother’s funeral and now that I am 2-3 years older, my perspective has changed a lot since I was 25.  Oddly enough, my grandmother’s death actually brought my family and I back closer together, and we are on much more cordial terms now.  Being able to communicate with my family again has been a really nice and welcomed change after a cold spell.

I don’t have as much anger as I used to within me.  Even when a friend of a friend took advantage of my trust, stole my credit card number, and tried to shift blame onto me for his own actions, I was not angry.  In fact, my reaction these days are of pity for those who do harm to others.  If this had happened three years ago, I’d be plotting revenge. 

It's really funny how time changes everything, and amazing too. I used to be such an unhappy and bitter person, but now I've never been happier or better.  Much of the change has been attributed to my finding the friends that I currently have, the experiences that I have culminated over the years, and my desire to be a better person.  I used to feel all sorts of juvenile feelings and dwell in the darkness of my hopelessness and sadness, but once I made it out of the tunnel, I have found that life is truly beautiful even when things don’t go the way we want it to. 

I still have bad days, but I now possess the tools to handle them better than when I was younger. I am a stronger person now, and looking back at old posts, I see how much I have changed and how different a person I am now. Some things remain the same, but in terms of my mindset, I am in a much better place now than I was nearly two years ago.  Life is pretty amazing.

When Life Keeps Kicking You

It's been over a year since I last posted anything and currently, I'm at an impasse with life. It's like a mid-life crisis, but earlier. It's a post-mid-twenties crisis 'cause I surpassed the 25 mark already. Not quite thirty, not really twenty, just floating and hoping for the best.

Since the last time I wrote, I became more independent from my parents. I learned how to solve a lot of things on my own, but when it comes down to relationships with people, I guess I've either regressed or just don't know how to deal with people after all. My roommate and I had a terrible fight, and given this ended up with lots of cyber warring and friends deleting each other from Facebook, etc., it's one of those "we'll never recover from this ever again" kind of situation.

So now... because she is not going to move out despite being the troublemaker, I'm looking for a new place to live. Only catch is... where? As much as I like living where I'm living right now, I'm not sure if I even have a job once my contract expires, so I couldn't afford a one year lease rental agreement... *sigh*

I got a temp position that started at the beginning of this year 'cause I quit my last job around September of last year. I just couldn't deal with the toxic situation anymore so I removed myself from it. The same goes here, I just don't want to live in a place where my peace of mind is not respected so I need to move in order to have some sanity back in my life. Only catch is that I'm still waiting to hear if I have a job after this or not. If only I knew, that would be nice. I'd have a budget that I could work with and plans that I can actually hope to have.

I wish life didn't require so much out of me sometimes. It's so hard to find a good balance these days. I keep having bad dreams recently due to stress. Working 10-12 hours a day, six days a week, and then getting waken up in the middle of the night by your punk-ass roommate just sucks. Well, after the fight, it seems some things have calmed down, but I still don't like going home. I just don't like to look at things I don't like to see. And because I apparently have no people's skills, I just don't feel like developing them around a group that gangs up on me and makes me feel like my feelings aren't important. I mean what kind of person has a whole backup crew waiting for you to come home so they can discuss problems with you? 5 vs. 1?

Well, my friends told me to file a restraining order on these people, but I really would like not to resort to that if at all possible.

I hope this month passes by easily and I'll be out of my current place soon. I need a place that gives me what I need. I just want to feel mentally and emotionally well again. This current situation does me no good. *sigh*

New Year, Improved Goals?

My flight is later today, and I am currently finishing up laundry so that I can pack the rest of my clothes lol. I fell asleep while my clothes were still washing last night 'cause I was so tired and now I'm up at 5AM in the morning drying them lol. This will give me an hour to finish stuffing the clothes in before having to drive up north to the airport.

While I wait for my clothes to dry, the first thing I did in 2011 was install my Becker CPA exam software to make this actually real now. I figured that I should install the software while I still have a good internet connection before I head back to a place where my computer just refuses to piggyback on anything lol. I am trying out one of those broadband sticks right now, but I'm not sure if I'll get good reception where I currently live so I'm bringing it back with me to try it out, and if it doesn't work then I'll have to take it back to the store.

Next thing I have to do is pay for the exams, but that'll have to come after I pay everything else. I've decided that I really, really, really need to find a new job this year 'cause my current workplace will only put unnecessary pressure upon me, that will leave me nervewracked and unable to perform well so even if they don't sign off when I pass the exam, it'll still be ok. I'll get my next firm to sign off on me. I've decided that I only want to do audit and no more tax. I just feel more suited as an auditor than as a tax person though I do love doing tax returns. Anyway... I have already accomplished over a certain amount of work hours, all I really need to do is pass it this year so that I can finally have some peace of mind. I just don't think I'll be able to pass it by June 30th, so I need to get out of my current firm in order to not put such pressure upon myself.

One important goal is to become 95 if not 100% independent from my parents. Letting them dictate things in my life really did no good for me and made me into this bitter, angry, empty shell of a person. I have to find my passions this year, actually do something with my life this year. I don't care about proving to them that I am better at some things than they say, I only want to prove to myself that I'm not a complete failure. I don't owe anyone else anything. I owe myself a chance to believe that I'm not a terrible waste of space on earth.

Another goal I have is to finish an actual book from start to finish that's not a self-help reference, manga, or modern day fiction. I want to read actual literature like Jane Austen, Emily Bronte, John Steinbeck, etc. So... I packed up all my Jane Austen books -- bought, but never read -- and the one I just purchased yesterday -- Sense and Sensibility -- plus Wuthering Heights so I'd like to be able to read and finish these books this year. I think the last time I read an actual book was really in high school. I never quite finished anything afterward without skipping around or reading SparkNotes and such. Someday, I want to get back to East of Eden and actually read/finish the darn thing from start to finish lol. I need to work on my patience and sense of discipline 'cause I always skip around.

I also want to rearrange things in my room so that the new year will have a different feel to it. Once I get back, all I want to do is put some things back in my closet while packing up the things I have no use for and then shipping them back to my parents' place. I really would like to move this year too. Naturally if and when I land a new job, I will relocate closer to that job as well. I want to work in the city so that is where I plan on starting over.

Anyway, need to take a mini nap before I have to get up again. I'm so tired now that I've finally finished the packing.

Not Remotely Excited...

Is it weird to say that I'm not even the least bit excited to go back home tomorrow? I'm not really in the mood to see my family right now, I rather avoid them. It's kind of sad, but that's how I feel. Also, despite seeing all the Christmas decorations up, it just doesn't feel like the holidays to me. I used to love this time of the year, but the magic of everything seems to have disappeared. I don't feel at all excited right now...

Just got off the phone with my mom, nothing happened, but that's just it now, nothing. We keep the talking to a minimum, I'm not excited to talk to her and would rather not have anything to do with them at the moment. The things they say really screw with my head and I don't need to be any more messed up than I already am. *sigh*

A Serious Case of Infatuation

I know it's all in my head... but I'm really enjoying the moment for what it is. Nothing materialized or will ever materialize, but I am quite smitten with my weekend. I think I'm in love...

At least for now.

An Epic Evening

I had one of the greatest party experiences of my entire life yesterday and felt that I should shout it out from the roof tops... in a way. I felt sophisticated, yet trampy at the same time, it was an amazing experience.

My brilliant weekend really started with happy hour after work on Friday when we went to a local bar and my friend and I got pretty darn happy with the drinks. We played pool, met some nice people, and then had to call a mutual friend to come get us 'cause we were way too smashed to go anywhere. My girl friend and I did a lot of bonding that night over the drinks and pool and it's been great.

She invited me to a formal winter ball/party thing at one of her friend's houses and I spent yesterday looking for a formal dress. I ended up shopping at Banana Republic and found this great silk dress originally for $175 and managed to discount the price to slightly above $100. I was down 2 sizes from usual so that made me happy too. I looked absolutely stunning in the dress by the way ^_^ I felt quite pretty last night. I wore my good jewelry, I wore D&G's light blue perfume, peep toe shoes, and my new Coach purse from Vegas. I was quite the looker -- and yes I am bragging XD.

Before we set off to the first party, we had a glass of wine at my friend's place and then I drank four more or so, maybe five at the formal party before we left to go to someone else's birthday party at a bar/restaurant that has a dance floor. I bought a round of drinks for my friends and then I told my friends that I was going to go dancing so I left them for the dance floor. I was just doing my thing and danced with several guys -- five apparently, one of my friends counted lol. It was so much fun. I haven't had this much fun for a while. I felt like a tramp, but it felt so good lol. After a while, my friends made me down cranberry juice 'cause they were out of water and then had to drag me out of the place when it was getting close to closing time lol. I was too smashed that night to drive so I ended up staying over at a friend's house and didn't go home till late today lol.

Due to some details that would give too much away, I have to keep the story to a bare minimum, but it was truly the most epic night I've ever had XD.

Arguments With My Mother

If I had the money, I'd take everything with me and hide out for a year. I've been constantly fighting with my mother in the last month, and feeling a whole lot of resentment towards both my parents for the type of person I turned into and the path that I must take in life. I feel resentment, because they say I should follow my heart and do what I want, but then turn around and tell me they're disappointed with what I've done to my life. And my bosses tell me I have a victim mentality, so that pisses me off more. I don't like being perceived as someone who always thinks "Poor Me." Even though that's all it seems like lately. Even I hate myself.

I don't feel like I can say anything or talk freely about anything to anyone these days 'cause everyone has an opinion about what I should be doing. I just need space from everything and everyone. I need to get away from everything that reminds me how much I suck.

I'm so tired these days. I don't even want to pick up the phone to talk to anyone. I'm angry everyday. I made my mother cry again tonight and I didn't even feel anything. I was just so angry. I told her that she was a liar when she said that she didn't care what I did anymore. I repeated it over and over again, because I was so angry. Maybe someday I will regret it, but currently, I can't be sympathetic. I can't say anything nice or think of anything nice. I'm ignoring people and not wanting to go out. I'm just angry all the time now. I'm exhausted and I need some sleep.

Unpleasant Memory

I remembered something unpleasant today, but it gave me pause and allowed me to think a little more clearly.

Two years ago, my friend flew back up from the bay area and wanted to go shopping. She neglected to tell me that she didn't have a car, so after we made plans to go the mall, she said "Oh yeah, can you come pick me up? I don't have a car." It took over 20 minutes to drive to her place during Christmas shopping season with all the lovely traffic, and then another fifteen minutes to get to the mall. We did some shopping, but I had to get to work that day, so then we had to rush back to her place where I dropped her off, drove at least another 25 minutes to get to my house, before driving another 20 minutes to get to work that day and then had to work really late. I was really exhausted and depleted, but I did it because she's my friend.

Then last year when she offered to take me to the airport for one of my trips, she was conveniently unavailable when I needed her to take me so I had to rely on my relatives. And then she offered again for my birthday this year, and I didn't accept at first, but then asked her if she could do it today and she gave me the answer, "Probably" which translates to "No."

So, I think I may need to book a shuttle or something, because this suddenly put my head in perspective and made re-realized that I can't count on anyone really. I'm on my own. At least I remembered in the nick of time.

I Also Want to Move

I'd like to get a job in the city and then live there. I need a change of environment. My roommate and I are on good terms, but I'd like something different.

Job Hunting

I'm discouraged one day and then fired up the next. I have exactly two months to get out of my current job, or else I'm stuck until next April 15th. The only problem is that some jobs require three years of experience and I barely have two in my current occupation. I've only had three months of actual administrative work that can be labeled as admin, and that part really discourages me. In addition to that, hearing my mom's "I really do hope you don't give up on accounting" doesn't help. She doesn't care if I don't continue with public accounting, but she still hopes I continue with what I learned. It certainly makes my life a lot harder to figure out when I keep listening to their feedback. I grew up with people telling me how to live my life and for the most part I always saw their suggestions as correct and now for me to actually question it and try to live my life is so hard. It's pathetic, but true. I can't really come up with a decisive idea of what I really want and I change my mind everyday. It's been really annoying. I hate my current job, but I'm not sure of what I actually want either. I have five days till the drop dead and then I need to really get out of my job before December, which means I have to at least land an interview this month, get a position in November and turn in my two weeks notice. I'm so stressed right now.

I really want to stay here, but a part of me is telling me it would be more practical to go back home where the cost of living is really small and one can just survive on $35k a year. Here... $35k is like living paycheck to paycheck. I'm just so lost and I have a feeling that I will stay in this state for a while.

Opera Tickets

My friend just bought me tickets to see the opera next month as a birthday present to me *__* I'm kind of melting right now. I've always wanted someone to treat me to the opera for my birthday. Now I've got one wish fulfilled~

Always Eat Enough

I went to the gym today and worked out like I normally do, but one thing was off.... I didn't eat enough today so when I went to burn the usual amount of calories, I felt really sick after I was done. The acid in my stomach kept traveling up and down, it was not pretty. I immediately took some tums when I went home, which really helped and then sat there eating edamame that I made earlier today lol. I feel a whole lot better. But yeah, just as a note to all, always eat enough before you go to the gym, and make sure you give the food some time to settle too =_= I so hope this doesn't happen again. I need to eat more.

My Brain is a Mess

Life is so complicated, life is much more complicated when "love" is a factor that's quite distracting. When you can't stop thinking about a person and what happened between the two of you no matter how minor, it's annoying. I don't think I've been more annoyed with myself and with what's going on inside my head. I want to talk about it, but I don't want to talk about it. I remember how annoying it is to talk about the guy you may or may not like with your friends and then you become a broken record, which is annoying as hell, but he is the only thing (besides work) that I can think about. The last time I was this annoying... was in college and thankfully that didn't last too long, so the only other time before this was when I was sixteen. Oh god, make it stop! Make the constant rewinding stop! And what timing ... Did he have to text now =_=

You know life is already complicated enough, why do guys make it so much more complex than it should be? And why am I resisting this? Either fall or walk out, why can't I decide? I'm so scared. I don't want to love him. I'll only hurt him in the end. I need to get out, run while I can. Why am I so afraid to be in a mutual relationship? I fear it so much. Living a one-sided unrequited love lifestyle was so much easier. And I could dream about someone else. I feel chained already =_= I can't be committed 'cause I love my freedom so much. That's right, the freedom of being single is awesome. I should stay single. Have I turned into Iris? As soon as I figure out the guy likes me, I lose interest? No, it's not loss of interest, it's fear of being loved back... I can accept it when my friends love me... but when a guy actually loves me, it's scary it. I'm so scared right now. I want to run away, climb in a hole and just hide for a while. Maybe I shouldn't see him for a while. Maybe I should move back home with my parents after all. Then I can't see him for real like this anymore, I'll be able to just live life the way it was. It'll be easy.

Someone stop replaying these strange and bizarre thoughts in my head already!!! Ugh! Maybe I should do yoga. I need to clear my mind.

Children

I don't know why, but recently whenever I see kids, I feel like I want one. Even though I know all the implications that come with having a child, I can't help but really want one as of late. Like that feeling of being needed by someone smaller and more fragile than you, who loves you (and later hates you of course lol), but I really want a kid. Not sure why though.

I'm sure in a couple days, this spell cast over me will be lifted and I'm going to go back being my usual child-hating self lol. Kids are obnoxious and noisy. They cost a lot of money, suck up a lot of your time and energy, needs a ton of attention and if you don't raise them right, they can end up totally ruining society. They're a lot of responsibility and even though you love each other, there will come a time when you'll want to keep them under control at all times even though they want to break free and mature as quickly as they can, and thus the normal dissonance suffered between parent & child, and years upon years of struggle, disappointment, and angry feelings. If you try to push all your expectations on them, it may lift or crush them. If you don't have any expectations of them, they might stray off towards the wrong path. You might want them to do the things they love, but in the end, you may end up being just as controlling as your parents were and try to get them to pursue conservative yet secure careers and not attempt anything else that seems even the slightest bit risky. You may totally suppress any talent they could have had by telling them that they're not good enough to try it. They may be maligned with sicknesses all throughout their lives and it will take an emotional and physical strain on both of you trying to keep each other alive and not regretting anything about why things came to be the way they came to be. Kids may be ungrateful, or extremely grateful but too awkward to express it. You may miss what they're trying to say, because you're trying so hard to support the family. Everything gets really exhausting.

In any case, wanting to have children is kind of a self-sabotaging, yet possibly self-fulfilling chapter in one's life. Perhaps, I'm just lonely right now and so I really want someone to really need me. If I can't find a significant other, then a child would be good. I'm so strange to be thinking of such things right now.

Back at the Bookstore

So I've move on past the last test section and now studying for the next one. I really have no idea whether or not I'll pass, but I have to do whatever I need to do in order to be able to really live without any regrets. And though I don't want to go to work tomorrow, it'll be a start to ending all my problems with this line of work. I'm going to believe that things are going to get better. Rather than just try to believe, I want to actually believe. The workplace may stay the same and my boss may continue throwing the same comments at me, but I want to become someone who can handle all of that. I don't want to let my temper get the better of me, but I don't want to shirk back and let people take advantage of me.

I had this really interesting conversation with my mother last night about how Asians tend to not stand up for other people, don't meddle in other people's businesses, avoids conflict like the plague, humble to a fault, and just deal with things silently rather than speak up about it. In America, we can't be like this. What may have worked over on the east side, can't work over on the west side. My life has been really hard my entire life 'cause I've been taught to be traditional, to not say anything, to just bear with it until my chance came, while I should have been fighting it out with people when I've been wronged, grabbing chances when they come, speak up to sell myself instead of shrinking into nothing. So, I've decided that I need to work hard at changing myself. My lack of confidence may have been spawned from being told that I can't be good enough at a lot of things, and I should stay conservative, and so now we have this product of self-destruction.

So some steps for me to take:

1. Save humility for family and friends, if the boss praises you, say "Thank you, I worked really hard on this and I'm proud of it."
2. Tell my coworker that I don't like it when she raises her voice at me just because I happened to be there and she got mad at someone else's mistake and is now taking it out on me, the next time she takes out her frustration on me.
3. Tell off the bosses' son the next time he throws things at the admin people. It's inappropriate. I don't care if he's the son of the president of the United States, you don't throw things at people, period.
4. Take more breaks, one every 90 minutes.
5. Get rid of weasel words from my vocabulary. No more "I'll try my best," it should be "I'll do my best."
6. Change my posture. Hands on top of the desk, not underneath when at a meeting.
7. Smile even when I feel like killing someone.
8. Speak and articulate better -- no idea when this got so bad.
9. Don't be scared. Life's too short to be living in fear all the time. If he hates you, he hates you. No need to be liked all the time. Dissonance and discord is what life is all about, and the element that makes people stronger. Harmony only weakens you even though it's really nice.

So that's for a start. I might only be able to accomplish one out of the nine, but one is better than none. Going to give it my best. Beat this system of repression and get out of here.

Ugh... One Big Chapter Left

The one chapter that I needed to really dig into today, I haven't gotten around to it until just now and the person before me scribbled "32-38%" on the top of the chapter page =_=;;;; Thanks for the warning, but I feel like hyperventilating. J/k

Think I'm going to go home and hopefully not get sidetracked 'cause I really need to tackle this section in order to do well on the exam. *sigh* I might need to give up the last chapter, but we'll see. Tomorrow is questions and note review day. No book tomorrow, I've decided. I so hate tests. I get cranky and upset. Well, best get to it. My tummy doesn't feel all that great after lunch so I kinda want to go home now, but I'd rather stay here to study. Oh well. The lack of internet at home might serve me some good =_= .... might.

*sigh*

Official Study Day

I really should be studying rather than blogging, but I figure why not just use the internet for now before I can't again. I'm pretty sure there will be internet again later tonight, but even if there isn't, I really shouldn't be distracted so often. I've got my test in two days and not a whole lot of time left to cover three chapters of material. I've actually already skimmed the entire book and am now kind of going back and making notes, but still... I rather be reading notes tomorrow and doing some practice questions than stuffing answers in my brain. On the good side, my photographic memory seems to be working a little better these days. I feel like I've got a couple pages burned into my mind lol. I only know what I know though and tests have a certain way of testing you on things that you didn't study for lol. Well, I'm hoping it'll be different. Please just test me on the things I know lol. I feel that I'm getting things better when I'm relaxed though 'cause I'm just absorbing the info and not resisting/rejecting, nor trying to get it all at once. That's how learning should be, natural not forced. We do things better when we're not forced to do it.

My friend asked me if I wanted to do lunch today and I had to turn her invitation down 'cause I need to be serious about what I'm doing and not wasting time (like I am right now lol). In any case, I'm learning how to be more serious about getting myself better rather than worse. This past year and half, I never quite learned how to make myself a better worker. I had fallen into this trap thinking that what I did well elsewhere would apply to the position I'm in now, but that's really not the case. I had to play by a totally new set of rules, but didn't quite understand it till the books pointed it out to me. Well, first step of getting myself better is to be able to say no more often and separate work from play. Now is not the time to play, now is the time to focus and get some things sorted out and done right in my life. I'll play after the test is done ^_^

Books, Books, and More Books

I feel like I'm possessed. I keep swinging by the business and career section of the bookstore and buying whatever appeals to me off the shelves. Ever since the dismissal, the further pay-cut and such, I've been a mass of mixed emotions. Originally, I took this week off to study. Now, it's a combination of studying, soul-searching, self-reevaluating, lots of reading, and job hunting.

After two days of looking at other jobs, I stopped going over all the hiring ads and decided it would be best to stay with my current job. With my current attitude and mentality at work, I'd only bring it with me to a new place so until I can fix the broken pieces within myself and become stronger, I shouldn't go anywhere else. So then I set on a quest to fix myself and figure out how to be a better employee, but most of all, a more confident and less fearful person.

No one can fix you. Only you can fix yourself. I've always known this, but no idea how to go about it. I guess the best way to educate oneself is to read, read, and read some more. Not go get advice from other people, but to really read books, gain some knowledge, do some thinking. I bought the following books in the last three days:

01. "The 12 BAD Habits That Hold GOOD People Back" by James Waldroop and Timothy Butler
02. "Surviving the Toxic Workplace" by Linnda Durre
03. "Powered by Happy: How to Get and Stay Happy at Work" by Beth Thomas
04. "101 Ways to Stand Out at Work" by Arthur D. Rosenburg
05. "The 250 Job Interview Questions You'll Most Likely Be Asked..." by Peter Veruki
06. "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert
07. "No Time For Tact: 365 Days of the Wit, Words, and Wisdom of Larry Winget" by Larry Winget
08. "Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office" by Lois P. Frankel
09. "10 Make or Break Career Moments" by Casey Hawley
10. "Life's a Bitch and then You Change Careers" by Andrea Kay
11. "10 Career Essentials: Excel at Your Career by Using Your Personality Type" by Donna Dunning
12. "Swiss Ball for Core Strength" by Declan Condron

#6 and #12 are more like for entertainment and physical health, but the rest is on my mental and emotional well-being concerning work and life. First, I need to figure out all the things wrong with me and then go about fixing it, and then decide whether or not my current career path is the right thing for me. A lot of times, our resentment of work goes hand in hand with our own behaviors that affect what we do and how we perform, which in turn leads a flood of criticism followed by further lack of motivation & productivity and eventual firing.

I have to say that book #1 and #7 are the best things I've read for a while. I've just started the #9 and I like that one too. Very informative.

In any case, I'm on the path of career enlightenment and I have a lot of books to prove it lol. I need to stop buying so much though... but these books are really interesting. I wish I grew up with these types of books in the house. They have a wealth of useful information contrary to what I used to think. Can't wait to start some of the other ones.

Decisions & Goals

After a long 2-3 hour phone call with my parents, they told me to quit my job. They're really worried that I might go crazy, but I'm not going to quit because I have some personal goals to achieve. Money is no longer something I'm worrying about, but my self confidence and ability to handle rough situations like these. I have this feeling that if I run away now, I will never be able to overcome my fears and insecurities with working in general. If I can overcome this, I can overcome anything. So, despite the loving and supportive, "Please quit your job and come home, we're really worried about you," I'm going to stay at least for a limited duration of time until I feel ready to leave. It's really nice to hear my parents say that it's ok not to get that license and not to continue with this job, especially if the bosses treat their staff so badly. I just need to figure out how to make myself stronger and be able to withstand something like this so that in the future, even if something like this happens again, I'll be able to handle it. All these tears I've cried, and all this torment I've experienced will make me stronger, at least I hope it will. I've set a calendar date for when I'll walk, so now I'm just counting down the days. I'm going to survive this, and then I'll go home. I can do this, I've already made it this far, I should be able to continue doing this until my time is up. *deep breath* Yeah, I'll survive this.

Something Wrong With the World

There has got to be something wrong with the world when your boss allows their own children to put their feet on tables and not follow office protocol, but then punishes their staff for trying to find things to do during an off season. Where is the justice in all of that? Sometimes, I feel like writing a book based on my work experience for all the people out there suffering from the same inevitable pain I feel each and every work day of the week. They should make a movie on how awesome my firm is, because that is exactly what it is: "awe-some."

Yeah, nothing you do at work ever seems to make the bosses happy. There are 3 sets of rules to follow depending on the boss you're working with, so there's absolutely no uniformity at all. People always berate or belittle you, so you feel like you're never good enough at anything you do. They tell you that you're the same as everyone, always thinking that the bosses are bad people -- in which, I never did up until this last month 'cause I got really sick of getting beaten up by them while beating myself up for never being able to live up to expectations and so now I've decided to embrace the norm and just call them bad people 'cause that's what they think anyway. Fine. I used to think they're great bosses, and the problem only lied with me, it was all my fault and all my problem, but now I'm asking myself, "What the hell are you doing!? If you don't try to stand up for yourself, or help yourself stand up after a beating again, who will do it for you? Definitely not your coworkers or your bosses, so it's time to just do what others do: hate their bosses." So I've decided to embrace that norm and just go with the "It's not my fault, if you can't get past your judgmental biases and hate me for not being as perfect as you are. Maybe you should just go and be a one-person show if you think we're all just waste of space on earth."

And for all of those out there wondering why I'm not quitting yet... Years of experience is needed for another job, and financial reasons. If I left now, I may not be able to find another job as quickly and I'm not sure I can afford leaving my job right now. A year ago, if I had left, I would have had enough to support myself for a good number of months, but now I might not make it past 2 months without a job so I'm also embracing what other people are doing as well: personal survival responsibility.

I never thought there would come a day when I would say this, but I seriously loathe and detest my job. I hate it when you try to be proactive and do more, they tell you that if it hasn't been approved yet, don't do it. Then when you go ask for work, and they don't give it to you so you have nothing to do, it's your fault. The cream of the crop is when the head boss changes their minds so many times that the project goes back & forth a billion times, and then it's your fault that it takes so long when they're the one changing their mind. Yeah, probably most bosses are like this, but people have told me differently too. I mean, why the hell do I have to endure this type of torment in order to earn a living? I guess, there's this saying "If it doesn't kill you, it'll only make you stronger..." ... then why the hell do I feel so much weaker and helpless? I'm on this earn-spend treadmill right now 'cause I'm so unhappy with my life. I make money and I spend it on things I don't need 'cause shopping, cleaning, organizing, and redoing my bedroom are the only things I find joy doing in my life anymore.

My friends tell me to quit for my sanity's sake 'cause cutting my wrists have been looking quite inviting lately -- not because I want to die, but cutting used to be a nice stress relief. (Um... to all those reading right now, don't go cutting yourself. It may have been a nice stress relief when you're younger, but it hurts like a bitch when you're older, no idea why but the pain threshold gets weaker with time. Paper cuts hurt more than they used to!). Anyway, I've been looking around for jobs. Every time I feel the going gets rough, I immediately scan around for an outlet, an escape from my torturous lifestyle, but I don't want to go back home with my tail tucked behind either so I keep trudging along. I don't want to be weak or disappoint my family for not living up to expectations, but maybe that's the problem. I'm always trying to please other people, what about making myself happy for a change?

I'm so tired of trying to make the bosses happy or living in fear because I can't find something to do since no one will relinquish anything and then go down your throat the first moment they see that you're not working on a project. I need a job where I can stay actively busy and actually enjoy doing it. Yeah, all jobs have their off-days, but when you feel like it's an off-day every single day of your work life, isn't that usually a problem? When you can't enjoy work, and you just want to call in sick every day... isn't that kind of problematic? I don't know about other people, but having to work at a place where people seem to enjoy taking out their frustration out on you, and saying how your level of competency is not good enough, and then behind your back that you're barely tolerable is not my idea of a happy work environment.

Still, I can't leave right now for a number of reasons and that's probably the part that makes me the saddest. If I knew there was another job waiting for me elsewhere right now, I'd take it with no hesitation, but I need to stay in this state for now until I finish taking all my exams to get my license -- if I ever get my license. I'm quitting this career in a year if I can't get my license 'cause then it just shows maybe they're all right, maybe I'm just not cut out for this. I certainly don't feel like I'm getting anywhere or doing any better. No one ever praises people at work, and everything said to you is basically a criticism -- though I guess we could take it as constructive feedback, but when that feedback comes out with a negative and stern tone.... can you really call that constructive or destructive?

Of course, the bosses are always in their "Oh yeah, everyone thinks the bosses are the bad guys, but we pay them money!" Oh, so writing my paycheck makes you so much better than the rest of us!? Just because you can, doesn't mean you can belittle and treat people like they're worthless and unbearable to see. We're all young and still learning, and I've really tried to be respectful, but if I'm going to be dismissed for another person's mistake or treated like I'm a nervous train wreck that's about to throw myself into the ocean 'cause I'm so fragile and all, I'm sorry but the time for respect is over. I'm not going to be rude, but I'm not going to bend over backwards either. They think they're bending over backwards for us, and maybe to an extent they are, but that doesn't mean we're not trying to please them either. If nothing we ever do is right, then what really is the point of trying? I'm so sick of being treated like I'm dirt or worse. I've never been treated like this in any other job I've worked at. I've always been a valuable team player, someone they really rely on to get the job done, and very efficient plus resourceful, but here, I'm nothing, I'm useless, and most of all, I'm intolerable. How can I be so awesome at 9 out of 10 of the other places, I've been at, but just so damn awful here? I don't understand.

I used to think there's something wrong with me, now I think there's just something wrong with them. I'm really sick and tired of beating myself up. I'm just going to continue trying my best at what I can do, but seriously, I'm over this. If they don't want to pay me for non-billable time 'cause they're not giving me work, then fine. I'm going to take more time off to study for this exam. If I'm not going to be able to get paid there, I might as well spend my unpaid time at home or at a coffee shop studying. We will BOTH benefit from this.

Seriously, F**K this. *fumes*