I have a hard time expressing my feelings. I hardly ever tell people the truth about how I feel, and I am always pretending that things are ok. I do things I don't enjoy doing to make other people happy, which then in turn satisfies me as well. I don't ask for anyone to cater to my needs and I generally try to take care of myself, because I know no one really takes care of me. When I get angry at my friends at the offensive things they say to me, I tell myself that I am being too sensitive about it and I should let it ago instead of telling them that it hurts me. But I think I'm festering right now, because I'm emotionally wounded and very upset.
I don't know how to act around my friends anymore. If I don't hang out with them, they make me feel guilty for not going out and staying in by myself and feeling lonely 'cause I have no one around me. They make it seem like it's my own fault for not going out and having fun. Then when I do go out, they say that I'm not enjoying myself at all so then they feel awkward. If I smile, they think I'm faking having fun, if I don't smile, they think I'm bored. I'm exhausted, I don't know what kind of expression they would like me to have, but regardless of which one it is, it's always wrong. I'm sick of them making me feel like I'm the bad one, I'm the lame one, I'm the ridiculous one. They say that I take life too seriously, but I think they take it too lightly. They're insensitive and they're mean to me. Do they think I'm made of iron or something? That I won't get hurt by the things they do or say to me?
My friend just said to me yesterday that I don't talk enough, I never say anything when I'm hanging out with other people. I tell her that even if I do say something, she or someone else will interrupt me so what's the point of trying? I'm not going to fight for the lead so I can continue talking and once we're off the subject, I don't want to talk about it anymore. So I've developed this inability to socialize, because my friends don't know when to shut the fuck up. They're rude, they talk when they want to and don't care how you feel, and when you're talking, they text right through it. It's too much for me to handle. I've made myself as malleable as possible so that I don't clash, so I fit in, so they won't feel uncomfortable about anything and still they find things to complain about when I haven't said one thing yet.
They tell me that I can say anything to them, because they're my friends, but whenever I tell them how I feel, they shoot me down and make me feel like I'm being ridiculous, that I'm being overly sensitive, that I'm taking things too seriously. Then one day when they finally hit a snag and start feeling some of the feelings I feel, I tell them, well now you know how I've felt then, and they're like "That doesn't count!" Nothing I say counts, nothing I do counts, even how I feel doesn't count and I'm so exhausted. I'm so tired, I'm so angry, I'm so frustrated, I'm so upset. And I take it everyday like an adult. I tell myself that it's life, it's a lesson, I'm learning from experience. I tell myself that I can take it and that I've made this far, so why do anything now? But I want them to love me. I want them to treat me better with more respect. I want them to stop trampling on my perspective. I'm not saying anything about how I disapprove of them going around having one-night stands, and making out with married men, so why are they all so against me and attack me when I simply state that I do not condone having a married man try and kiss me. I do not look favorably upon a man who's married with children, who wants to sleep with me. Regardless of how good he treats me, I do not agree with that. But when I said it, they all attacked me. Granted, I guess when I said it, I was angry and drunk so my words came out a bit more maliciously than intended, but they were not on my side at all. They were defending him and making me seem like the bad guy. It's not fair.
I'm so exhausted, I don't even have the energy to cry.
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