It's nearly 11PM and I'm distraught. I can't call anyone, because I would feel bad if I woke someone up from sleeping, and because I wouldn't even really know what to say. I've been having a really hard time emotionally lately. My grandmother started chemo last Friday for all the tumors inside her body. We thought she only had breast cancer, but it turns out that she had another tumor in her lower back area. She isn't doing so well right now and has been in the hospital for a few days. My parents didn't call me these last few days because they didn't want to tell me to worry, but I called them today and found out since I heard her vomiting on the other side of the phone. I feel emotionally wracked right now. I think all my nightmares lately have been because of my grandmother's condition. There's no reason why I should be getting scary dreams if not for the fact that something really bad happened.
So now in the midst of my job, boy issues, and my grandmother's cancer, I'm just exhausted and feel like I'm breaking apart really slowly. My parents are there taking care of her all by themselves and I'm really far away from them. Even if I cry, there's nothing I can do. I try to compartmentalize everything the best I can, but all of this has really affected me at work. I either work like crazy to forget everything, or it just bothers me so much that I can't concentrate. I'm really easily irritated, I don't handle things as well as I usually am able to and even if I'm not showing it externally, I'm a gigantic mess inside.
Maybe this 3 1/2 - 4 day weekend came at a good time. I should go somewhere. Then again, I don't have any energy for it. I'm feeling really alone and in need of someone to be there for me, but I don't want to ask anyone, because in the midst of suffering, my pride is still the most valuable thing to me. It doesn't help that I view all men as the enemy these days =_=; *sigh* Life seems to be getting so much harder than before...
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