My Roommate Practically Calls Me Fat

When someone says something hurtful or just hurts me, I usually have a habit of being angry at first, bottling it up so I don't explode on the spot and regret it later, let it simmer and melt away after a couple days and then just completely erase the incident from my mind, forgiving them for being such insensitive jerks and that the reason they're like this is because they were not raised right... (yes... that is my coping mechanism, I keep telling myself that I was raised properly and understand what is rude and what is respectful so I should be lucky and happy with how I turned out instead of being angry at how mean they are).... but.... no matter how I hard I try to forgive, there are just some things that just seem to bug me a lot, to the point where I can still phrase the conversation word-for-word =_=;

For instance, one of the things that bug me about my roommate is that she's very hypocritical. She isn't obese, but she's not slim either, and she is always going on and on about how she needs to diet and that she is reading X-number of books on all these special diets out there in the world =_=; She would then tell me how she used to be so thin, etc., and then look at me and ask me how much I weigh.

Now... here's the thing. I used to be slim too, but I have pretty extreme weight fluctuations so there are times when I am severely overweight and times when I'm just perfect and fit. At the moment, I am not proud at how I look, because I allowed stress to buy me lots of food and candy in the past year so I have some confidence and self-esteem issues going on inside my head over my current weight problem. I hate telling people how much I weigh, because they ALWAYS weigh less than me. Here they are going on about how they need to diet when they're wearing size 2 - 6 clothing, while I'm stuck at 12-14. Our body structures aren't that much different, so I really hate it when they go on and on about how fat they are. Exactly how is that supposed to make me feel? If size 2 is fat, then what am I? Deathly obese?

Anyway, I'm getting off on a tangent. Back to my roommate....

Ok, so she asks me how much I weigh and in order to not have her give me that "Oh, nice at least I'm not as fat as you are" expression, I downplay my weight, but no matter how low it goes she still says "Oh, I need to diet too."

(... I never said anything about dieting. My goal isn't to cut certain foods from my diet, but to limit what I eat and exercise more. My body doesn't just auto-slim from starving itself, you know =_=)

She tells me to read all these books about what diets (i.e. South Beach) to do, etc. I'm thinking to myself, "Hey lady, my body is pretty different from yours. Cutting rice from my diet is going to do me any good when I decide to eat it again in the future. Sure I'll slim like crazy, but the minute I pick it up again, I'll bloat up." I'm not going down the path of forsaking carbs again, that was a BIG mistake. I lost so much weight, but the moment I started eating carbs again, I gained everything back and went from sparrow to whale size. Best method for me still (and yes, I have tried several different dieting methods already) is to count my calories and to exercise 4-6 days a week. She can't just start forcing her ideas upon me! I'm not telling her what to do, what right does she have in shoving books in my face and telling me to read them!?

Next is when we eat, she puts cheese ALL over her food. Does not matter what it is, she just throws a handful on. When she eats foods with butter, she spreads large quantities on too. She says that she is going to give up sweets, but then she keeps bring home pies, cakes, and tarts (omg... are you kidding?). This is all coming from the same person who keeps saying that she's going to stop eating this and that, and this and that, and go on some grand diet that is supposed to work wonders. It really just grates my nerves, because she indirectly calls me fat, keeps saying how fat she is, and then goes and throws tons of cheese over her food. I mean... WTF!? The best line is "Oh, help yourself to that [tart, cake, pie], I can't eat all of it. The more you eat, the less I eat."

.... ..... .... Um... didn't we establish that I'm so fat that I have to go on the South Beach diet and forsake carbs? If so... why should I be stuffing my face with pie?

I mean seriously, if you're not going to practice what you preach, get away the hell from me!!

Bizarre & Grotesque

I've been having a string of nightmares lately and all of them horrific. Last night's topped the list and I have no idea what is going on, because it's not like I'm reading horror stories or watching horror films lately.

My first dream was about me watching a movie directed by what seemed like Kon Satoshi (Perfect Blue, Paprika). There were two step-siblings and they're basically anime characters. The guy looked like a psycho and one of the Organization XIII members in Kingdom Hearts: CoM, while the girl reminded me of one of those females from a hentai film or something. Anyway, the two were sitting together and the boy was making moves on the girl. She was telling him that they shouldn't, but he pushed her down and started raping her. They were both obviously enjoying the sex until she started screaming out in horror since he was pulling her intestines out from her vagina =_=; It was so grotesque and bloody that I wanted to throw up. It was practically a horror anime. I didn't want to look, but the image just stuck to my brain. It was bloody and extremely gross.

My next dream was that my younger brother and I were living in an apartment in New York (or some big city). I came home one evening from work and I called out to him, but he didn't answer me. I then walked over to his bedroom to find the hallway a mess and his door hanging slightly open. I opened it and he was lying in a pool of blood on the floor, while his severed head was on top of the blood-stained sheets on the bed. I screamed and was really upset. I called my friends over to help me and also called the police. When my friends got here, they tried to calm me down, but I was just so upset. Then a single police officer came to see what was going on and he asked to see all of our ID's. Now, I have a friend who works for the state of police and it's usually the other way around so I can stay safe and trust that this person is really who he is. I had this feeling that this guy really wasn't a police officer and I told him that I wasn't going to give him my ID, because he was probably going to use it to compare it to his list of people to kill. Sure enough, he pulled out a knife and lunged at me. My friends ran away in fear and didn't help me. I jumped out to the balcony of my apartment and rushed down the stairs that just appeared there. He chased after me and I just ran. It was a really upsetting.

Next thing I knew, my dream changed and I was with another set of friends walking through a neighborhood open-house tour event where people set up shows inside their homes and you explore the inside. It was like a mix of an open house event for purchasing a new place and driving around the neighborhood during Christmas to see the light show. For some reason, we went into Steven King's house and it was really small. I don't know why it was so small, but it was small and there was a really disturbing puppet show going on about horror stories and murder. We walked around and then left the place, feeling pretty creeped out. And that was the end of the dream.

I don't know if I want to sleep tonight... I hate nightmares...

Genji Monogatari Sennenki

I really should be sick of Genji Monogatari, but for some reason, I never tire of it. Yes, it is a soap opera-like novel full of scandal, glamor, love, and drama, and if it were written in today's era, we would look down on it like a trashy romance novel, but the fact that it came from the past, has an exotic setting, based off a real historical figure, and one of the first works written by a woman, it is a masterpiece.

We really should dislike Genji no Kimi, because he is the first ever Casanova in history (if he had been a real person). Though it was normal to have several wives and lovers during the Heian times, he really should be branded as a serial rapist with an oedipus complex and needy tendencies. It brings out that age-old saying that as long as you're beautiful, you're basically entitled to everything, though in Genji no Kimi's case, that is not entirely true. Just because some random monk prophesized that he would bring ruin to the royal family someday, his father, the emperor, decided to demote his own beloved child to the rank of a commoner and then spend the rest of his imperial career trying to make up for it by bestowing ranks as high as possible for him.

I guess we can't completely blame Genji no Kimi for how messed up he became 'cause he is the first superstar in his time and we all know how messed up celebrities are =_=. First his mother was a lower ranked concubine, whom was favored by the emperor and picked on by the other court ladies until her death. Then he grew up with a mother for part of his childhood until his father married a look-alike to his late mother, Fujitsubo. Because they were close in age and she was extremely beautiful -- plus were not blood-related -- he fell in love with her. Though it's not completely certain if he loved Fujitsubo for who she was, or if he was actually in love with the image of his own mother, we know that they had a one-night affair which resulted in the birth of the next succeeding emperor after Suzaku, Reizei. The prince was then raised as Genji no Kimi's brother when in reality, he was his son. So yeah, this is scandal number one.

Next, he goes and picks up a little girl who also looks like Fujitsubo/Kiritsubo, kidnaps her, raises her to be his ideal woman, and then forces her to sleep with him. Of course, she submits to him later after resisting the first time and then becomes the love of his life. Scandal number two =_=;

He goes to sleep with a beautiful widow of a dead prince as part of his list of conquests and then immediately regrets it afterwards when he realizes how needy and sensitive she actually is. Had he never slept with her or even approached her, he would not have turned her into an emotional mess and her chaotic emotions would not have materialized into a vengeful spirit that went about killing every other woman he's in or has been in a relationship with including a beautiful lady named Yugao, his wife the Lady Aoi no Ue, and lastly, Murasaki, the love of his life.

Scandal four: he went around raping women left and right, causing some to become nuns afterwards because of the trauma and guilt he had caused them, one whom was a governor's wife and then his stepmother and one-time lover, Fujitsubo.

Scandal five: he boldy had an affair with his sister in-law, Oborozukiyo and was then stylishly exiled for it.

Also, because of all the sins he had committed throughout his life, he felt protective and defensive of "his" women. When his son, Yugiri, walked down the halls during a storm one and the screen to Murasaki's chambers opened just in time for him to catch a sight of her, Genji no Kimi was angry, because he remembered how he had committed a transgression against his own father long ago and feared Yugiri would do the same thing. Karma also struck back at him years later when he took his last, official wife, Onna San no Miya, had an affair with Genji's nephew, Kashiwagi, and produced a son, Kaoru. Genji knew that it was not his child, but raised him as his own anyway because of the crime he had committed ages ago.

In any case, Genji was a basket case of personal and external issues. He had many different complexes, love affair after love afair, and did quite a lot of outrageous things and still was loved and accepted by many. Then again, it was a man's society back in the day and the number of conquests you had usually showed what a great man you were ... in a way =_=; But the fact that he was so beautiful, allowed him to get away with a lot of things. There was a lot of playing on guilt and basically being as screwed up as you possibly can get in one scandalous tale of love and constant betrayal. In the end, we just say that Genji no Kimi was actually quite a miserable character despite the glory in his early days. If I were him, I'd die of stress young =_=;

Anyway, the real point that I wanted to actually get at is the anime, Genji Monogatari Sennenki, which is a very good adaptation of the story. It is altered slightly for today's audience and can be quite sexual (which was basically the story in a nutshell, sex, sex, and more sex though it was toned down on paper) and it omitted some of his conquests from the story (like the ones where I can't remember their names =_=). Then again, I'm only on episode 7 (then again, because it IS episode 7), we'll see how much they incorporate in the rest of the story. I just wanted to say that if you want a visual version of the novel, this anime is probably the best version I've seen of anything ever made. No live action or animated movie has done as good of a job as this version has. I really recommend it if you're studying the book right now or if you happen to dig Genji no Kimi despite not really being a fan of his character like me.

The Messy Desk Theory

I also picked up something about people who have messy desks such as myself. I've always wondered if it's because I'm flaky or something, but I am pleasantly surprised that it's not exactly a bad thing ^_^. Now I can get back at my parents for chastising me all these years for being a slob when it comes to my study area.

The Messy Desk Personality

Seriously... One Percent?

So I came across this as I was surfing the web today and I always wish people could understand who I am, but I'm bad at explaining myself so I found something that is representative of me. I don't believe myself in being a rare breed or anything, but this personality description below is 100% me, if not 100% then 99.9%.

I always get the "How do you know!?" question from people who don't believe me when I say someone is or not gay, or is a good/bad person. I can't explain why, but I always go by my gut and my gut is always right, it is rarely wrong. No one ever believes me, but I am always proven right at the end of the day even if no one ever notices.

It's frustrating for me to be around my friends a lot of times, because they're never supportive of me or like me in anyway. I always feel that the people around me are just so selfish and I wonder why I'm with them. Now that I see myself as a part of the 1% slice of the world population in terms of this personality type, I can see why I'm so lonely.

I am always trying to protect my friends, to help and support them, but when I am in need of a person to be there for me, they flake. When I need someone to stand up for me, they don't. When I need someone to say good things about me to dispel false rumors, they don't. I am always looking out for them, but they never do anything for me. They're constantly breaking my heart, but I just forgive them time and time again. It's just so exhausting to stay angry with them, but I always remember that they hurt me and it builds up. I was sick last week, because my friends stressed me out so badly. When I needed them the most, they didn't help me out and it hurt me really badly. I couldn't tell them how hurt I was, because it was 3 against 1 and if I try to explain myself, I will never win because they're all very selfish people who don't see anything as wrong anymore. They're the type of people who sits at the dinner table and texts other people while ignoring your presence, or shows no gratitude at all after you've planned a nice dinner and cooked for them. They're the type that has no common courtesy or manners, and just don't know right from wrong anymore. They can judge right from wrong when it's something major like stealing versus not stealing, but when it comes down to the basics, they lack all the essential qualities in being a good person. The worst part is that they don't care even if you tell them that what they're doing isn't right. They tell you that they are the way they are and you either accept it or leave it. After being told something like that once, you give up ever pointing out what they're doing wrong anymore. They'll just have to learn it the hard way.

In any case... below is who I am personality-wise:


The Protector

As an INFJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you take things in primarily via intuition. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit with your personal value system.

INFJs are gentle, caring, complex and highly intuitive individuals. Artistic and creative, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. Only one percent of the population has an INFJ Personality Type, making it the most rare of all the types.

INFJs place great importance on havings things orderly and systematic in their outer world. They put a lot of energy into identifying the best system for getting things done, and constantly define and re-define the priorities in their lives. On the other hand, INFJs operate within themselves on an intuitive basis which is entirely spontaneous. They know things intuitively, without being able to pinpoint why, and without detailed knowledge of the subject at hand. They are usually right, and they usually know it. Consequently, INFJs put a tremendous amount of faith into their instincts and intuitions. This is something of a conflict between the inner and outer worlds, and may result in the INFJ not being as organized as other Judging types tend to be. Or we may see some signs of disarray in an otherwise orderly tendency, such as a consistently messy desk.

INFJs have uncanny insight into people and situations. They get "feelings" about things and intuitively understand them. As an extreme example, some INFJs report experiences of a psychic nature, such as getting strong feelings about there being a problem with a loved one, and discovering later that they were in a car accident. This is the sort of thing that other types may scorn and scoff at, and the INFJ themself does not really understand their intuition at a level which can be verbalized. Consequently, most INFJs are protective of their inner selves, sharing only what they choose to share when they choose to share it. They are deep, complex individuals, who are quite private and typically difficult to understand. INFJs hold back part of themselves, and can be secretive.

But the INFJ is as genuinely warm as they are complex. INFJs hold a special place in the heart of people who they are close to, who are able to see their special gifts and depth of caring. INFJs are concerned for people's feelings, and try to be gentle to avoid hurting anyone. They are very sensitive to conflict, and cannot tolerate it very well. Situations which are charged with conflict may drive the normally peaceful INFJ into a state of agitation or charged anger. They may tend to internalize conflict into their bodies, and experience health problems when under a lot of stress.

Because the INFJ has such strong intuitive capabilities, they trust their own instincts above all else. This may result in an INFJ stubborness and tendency to ignore other people's opinions. They believe that they're right. On the other hand, INFJ is a perfectionist who doubts that they are living up to their full potential. INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves - there's always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them. They believe in constant growth, and don't often take time to revel in their accomplishments. They have strong value systems, and need to live their lives in accordance with what they feel is right. In deference to the Feeling aspect of their personalities, INFJs are in some ways gentle and easy going. Conversely, they have very high expectations of themselves, and frequently of their families. They don't believe in compromising their ideals.

INFJ is a natural nurturer; patient, devoted and protective. They make loving parents and usually have strong bonds with their offspring. They have high expectations of their children, and push them to be the best that they can be. This can sometimes manifest itself in the INFJ being hard-nosed and stubborn. But generally, children of an INFJ get devoted and sincere parental guidance, combined with deep caring.

In the workplace, the INFJ usually shows up in areas where they can be creative and somewhat independent. They have a natural affinity for art, and many excel in the sciences, where they make use of their intuition. INFJs can also be found in service-oriented professions. They are not good at dealing with minutia or very detailed tasks. The INFJ will either avoid such things, or else go to the other extreme and become enveloped in the details to the extent that they can no longer see the big picture. An INFJ who has gone the route of becoming meticulous about details may be highly critical of other individuals who are not.

The INFJ individual is gifted in ways that other types are not. Life is not necessarily easy for the INFJ, but they are capable of great depth of feeling and personal achievement.

Jungian functional preference ordering:

Dominant: Introverted Intuition
Auxilliary: Extraverted Feeling
Tertiary: Introverted Thinking
Inferior: Extraverted Sensing

Mother's Day Flowers

So I went onto Teleflora a week ago to buy flowers for my two grandmothers and my mother and so far I've only heard back from my mom that she received the orchids that I sent her ^__^. I'm so thrilled. This entire time, I've been stressing whether or not it'll make it there in time 'cause I picked today to be the delivery date since there's no delivery service tomorrow and today is kind of cutting it close in a way. I wanted to have the flowers delivered yesterday for a safety buffer, but it felt like the element of surprise would be weighted less if I did it so quickly. I just wanted everyone to know that it's mother's day and my mom is a mother so they should be nicer to her when she's working tomorrow. I just want to show her off in a sense so I had the flowers be arranged in a pretty fancy way. It cost me quite a lot, but I think it's worth it. Anyway, I just wanted to say how excited I am that she got the flowers ^_^.

What a Difference a Day Makes

After a string of really weird episodes, Grey's Anatomy blasted us with a stream of extremely good episodes. One after the other, they just keep delivering and this past Thursday (the 100th episode) had one of the most predictable, but most enjoyable episodes.

Ever since season one, everyone has been wishing and hoping for Meredith and Derek to tie the knot and now that they're finally engaged and ready to be married, there's speculation of whether or not they will actually walk down the aisle this season. Much debate went on these past few weeks of whether or not the two will finally join in holy matrimony, and I for one said they will not.

Knowing the formula that Shonda Rhimes structures her plotline in and how she tends to like dark and twisty themes, there cannot be a wedding with some sort of hitch (no pun intended). We have been seen the foreshadowing for weeks -- with Izzie planning the wedding like Bridezilla, to her about to kick the bucket from cancer, Meredith and Derek not exactly fans of big fancy ceremonies and no mention of family coming to the wedding (as it was not worked into the plot I'm sure since the aim wasn't even for their wedding), and understanding how Shonda has a penchant for twists -- we just knew that something would go differently when the episode finally came. And it did.

In a sort of "all's-well-ends-well" kind of manner, Meredith and Derek got their happy "non-wedding" day, while Izzie got her perfect wedding to Alex. And I will say that that wedding was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen in my life. We've all been to weddings at least once in our lives, or even seen a variety of wedding scenes in movies and on television, but that wedding was really, really, really well-done. The flowers were gorgeous, the dress really looked great on Izzie (much better than Meredith, in my opinion), and it was great start-to-finish. All the four original interns-turned-residents were involved somehow, with Izzie being the bride, Alex being the groom, Cristina as maid of honor, Meredith as Alex's best man, and George acting as the "father who gives away his daughter" (though partway), it was a really well done scene.

I loved how there was so much interaction, passion, drama, and excellent acting by all the actors in the episode. I loved seeing the contrast of the "normal" morning activities to how it leads into the perfect evening, and then heartbreak that we all felt at the end when the episode was over. There were some stellar lines in the script of the episode and they're really hard to forget. I felt really touched a lot of times and induced to senseless crying most of the evening when watching the show.

The thing about this episode is that it wasn't even the most interesting of episodes in the season to begin with. We have had very controversial themed episodes before this and those were quite excellent, but I loved how this episode started out. It was a very normal, somewhat routine -- though one can beg to differ -- day. We all knew there was a wedding, and everyone was pretty hyped for it, but it really stressed a point of it starting out as a normal day. We got a trauma that came in, a fairly normal one compared to other cases (i.e. children shooting their abusive fathers, serial killers who gets things shoved into their spines, etc.) in which 6 college kids on their way to graduation, gets hit by a semi and then only 5 of the 6 survive. Yes, morbid, but these are the type of cases that happen -- unfortunately -- more commonly than others and that made it a normal sort of beginning.

We have the contrast to where Meredith is "happily" scrubbing in on her first solo surgery (Derek's wedding present to her) and gets to save a life, which has a very different dynamic and atmosphere compared to carnage that's happening in the E.R. Both very normal things we see from time to time in a hospital. What made up for the lack of unique medical cases was the anticipation for a long-awaited wedding ceremony and great character interaction.

The acting was superb. All the actors did such a fantastic job that I cannot even begin to explain how much they've affected me and other viewers. Every actor invoked some emotion from me, I was either laughing or crying. It was a rollercoaster of emotions and I love it when episodes can stir such emotions from me, because that means, the writers did a good job and the actors did a good job. Though this is not the most interesting episode, it is without a doubt, the most memorable and emotional one topping Denny's death back in season two. At least for me, I felt that this episode was one of those "finally, something that comes out right" sort of episodes and I just loved it so much, I could not help but spill my guts on here about it.

I can't wait until next episode, but I really hope that they don't end it with whether Izzie lives or dies -- though I have a feeling that that may be the case. If she does die, they'll probably take the Issiah Washington approach in the beginning of season six, where some time has passed and someone tells what happened to the character instead of having them be there. For instance, beginning of season four Burke's mother shows up and pretty much helps her son with the breakup since the actor was no longer part of the show. If Katherine Heigl is no longer with the cast, then the approach may be the start of a funeral or some time after her death and people will be talking about her, etc.

If Shonda does so choose to be merciful and let Izzie survive, I would be both surprised and yet not surprised. As I've said before, she is the queen of twists, and as Melissa George (the actress who portrayed Sadie the intern earlier in the season) has pointed out before, she likes to punish those who have crossed her. Perhaps for the comment Heigl made last summer about "not having enough material to work with to warrant an emmy" made Shonda so angry that she's finally decided to write Izzie off the show, but then again... Izzie has always been a bout of crazy and Shonda loves inflating crazy -- take for instance, Meredith dying once and seeing her mother on the other side, and then Izzie having hallucination-inducing sex with her dead fiance -- so if she does keep Izzie on, it's because she still needs crazy in there somewhere in the show.

I, for one, cannot really see Grey's without Izzie as she has become one of those characters -- though from time to time can be quite annoying -- are so central to the story that there would be a void with their disappearance. Of course, it's not like we can't get used to it. We all got used to Burke not being on the show anymore, but she's an original cast member and I'd like her to stay.